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Barkeep, slide another
to a dry (hie) cowboy
Alcohol adds personal quirks to checklist
Hi, my name is Bill and I’m an
alcoholic.
I know I am. 1 read one of those
check lists you pick up in the
doctor’s office to see if you are an
alcoholic. I added to the list.
I hide alcohol, then get too
drunk to find it
Not only have I passed out from
too much alcohol, 1 once woke up
in Miami wearing a long green
dress and Mickey Mouse Club
ears. She said her name was
Yolonda and got mad because her
dress fit me better.
I’ve woke up several times and
said I ’ 11 never drink again as long as
I live, but then, I’ve said the same
thing about women and we all
know how that goes.
Bill
Allen AJl
I drink to lorgct. And 1 have.
And, like all alcoholics, I’ve
often said 1 can quit any time I
want. And last month I did.
I went one month without drink
ing (Although several bearded fat
men claimed to be me in various
bars around town. I’ve gotten used
to this. They do it to pick up
women).
Tomorrow is the first day of the
month and I can drink again.
1 didn’t quit drinking for any
religious reasons. If I was Catholic
the only thing I would give up for
Lent would be my subscription to
Penthouse magazine. I can always
read a back issue. I once went out
with a girl who gave up sex for
Lent. It was news to me. I thought
she’d given up sex weeks before.
All in all, I'm pretty proud of
myself. This is a personal record. I
haven’t went this long without
alcohol since second grade. That’s
right, since last year.
But 1 wouldn’t recommend it for
other people. The side effects are
truly weird. I would wake up in the
mornings and my head would be
clear. I would look across my room
and everything wasn’t covered by a
red haze. My nose stopped glowing
in the dark. I was actually starting
to look forward to each and every
day. Sometimes I would stop and
smell flowers on the way to class. I
started being nice to people, even
when I didn’t want .something from
them. My co-workers were starting
to talk to me. I started worrying
about unimportant things, like
homework, deadlines and saying
goodbye before I hung up the
phone.
It was hideous, but it’s all over
now. I can go back to being the
morose, cruel, uninspired derelict
that I am.,
I can once again relate to songs
by Hank Williams and his son, and
1 can sing them out loud on down
town streets at 2 a.m. By 3 a.m. I’ll
have moved on to “Margari
taville,” by the greatest American
entertainer, Jimmy BuffeU. Don
Henley’s “You Must Not Be
Drinking Enough,”can once again
become my battle cry as I stagger
from bar to bar, searching for a
kindly bartender, an empty stool
and free popcorn.
Oh, there were times when I
almost gave in. My so- called
friends would mix a Jack and Coke
and leave it where I was sure to find
it... in the refrigerator. 1 would
laugh and just say no.
I went to a psychiatrist to make
sure I wasn’t suffering any mental
problems from quitting alcohol
cold turkey.
He gave me one of those word
association tests.
“Okay,” the shrink said, “say
the first thing that comes to mind
when I say the following words.
The first word is black.”
“Black,” I said.
“No,” he said. “You’re sup
posed to use a different word.”
“But you said the first word that
came to mind.”
“Let’s try again,” he said.
“Mother.”
“Mother,” I said.
“You can’t do that,” he said,
"you’re ruining the lest.”
“I’m sorry, I said, “I’m trying
to answer your questions the best
that I can.
“Just use a different word,” he
said. “Okay, pain.”
“Pain,” I said.
“Now cut that out,” he said,
really mad.
Bob Newhart never lost his
temper.
I could sec there was nothing
wrong with me. That guy just
didn’t know how to play his own
games. He was trapped by his own
lack of repetition.
He told me I was an alcoholic.
“I know that,” I said,“I just want
toknowifitisdoingmeanyhar n.”
He gave me the famous alco
holic check list.
Yes, I have to take a drink when
I wake up in the morning. How else
can I get rid of codon mouth.
Yes, I’ve forgotten who and
where I was. That’s the main rea
son I drink.
Yes, I’ve gotten up the morning
after a party, poured al 1 the leftover
beer into a pitcher, strained out the
cigarette butts, added lime and
drank it. Hasn’t everyone?
I showed him my personal addi
tions to the list... things I deal with
on a regular basis.
1. Have you ever lay in bed at
night, head spinning, and won
dered how you could possibly think
if you had never learned to talk
since you think using words in your
head, and then all of a sudden
remembered all the lyrics to the
theme song from “The Brady
Bunch” and sang it, in your head,
using words, then realized you
couldn’t do that if you had never
learned to talk in the first place?
2. Have you ever woke up the
morning after drinking and found a
department store mannequin in bed
with you, covered with leaves
because in your drunken stupor you
thought it was a dead body and tried
to hide it, while the sound of police
banging on the front door echoed in
your brain like Woody Wood
pecker in heat?
3. Have you ever woke up in Las
Vegas married lo a 43-year-old
former showgirl named Flamingo,
and remembered nothing but a
hazy scene of trading your car to a
guy named Cecil for two wedding
rings and a case of those little drink
umbrellas?
4. Have you drunkcnly called an
old lover in the middle of the night,
made up with her, invited her over,
then remembered the next morning
why you dropped her in the first
place?
5. Have you ever went to a 7
Elevcn at 3 a.m., piled 78 frozen
burritos on the counter and asked
the clerk if the store has a bigger
microwave oven?
If you answered yes to even one
of these questions you may have a
drinking problem, too. If not you
should probably drink more. If any
of this stuff happens when you’re
sober, you’re in real trouble.
After reading my personal list,
the shrink promised to quit giving
me tests, but I had to promise to
keep quiet about Flamingo. I guess
he suffered a similar night in Las
Vegas. I offered him a drink from
the flask in my sock. He took a
swig.
Yes, I’ve missed work because
of alcohol. I once missed October
because of alcohol. Starting tomor
row, J probably will again.
