A portable phone? C’mon!
Lift? was easier when people wrote letters, columnist says
Cman named Kent, who works for
Motorola, was nice enough to
send me a note about one of their
space-age products.
“You know the importance of dead
lines," Kent said, “and the importance
of being able to be in immediate con
tact with people and they with you.
“Consider a Motorola factory direct
mobile or portable cellular telephone
(or a combination of the two).
“Do you carry a pager? Why, when
you can easily carry a phone?
"Take it to work, to play, to lunch
and still keep up with your customers,
your suppliers, your life.”
And he invited me to phone him so
we could talk at greater length about
this wondrous device.
I have to admit that I am a wondrous
device freak. I have a wristwatch that is
combination calculator, data bank, stop
watch and alarm clock. I have an elec
tronic gizmo that tells me if there is a
nsn unaer my ooat. 1 nave a car witn
buttons that tell me how long I’ve been
gone and when I can expect to get
where I’m going and when I’ll get back.
I have a personal computer that has a
button I hit to find out if I have any
money left after buying so many won
drous devices.
However, I’m not going to call Kent
from Motorola, because if there is one
wondrous device I don’t want, it is a
portable telephone.
Sure, I know the importance, as
Kent said, “of being able to be in
immediate contact with people and
they with you.’’
But I know something of greater
importance — being able to hide from
people. And to do that, you must main
tain a safe distance from telephones.
I hate telephones. 1 have one in my
office only because it’s necessary for
my work. I have one at home only
because I can’t order out for pizza
without it.
Life was better before telephones
became common. Back then, if some
nuisance wanted to say something
stupid to you, he had to sit down and
write a letter or get on a streetcar and
ride several miles to your home.
This took considerable effort. And
there were defenses. Even today, if
someone rings my doorbell, I can peek
through a hole in the door and see who
it is. If it’s someone I don’t want to talk
to — which would include about 99
percent of the human race — I just
remain silent and eventually the in
truder goes away. He might ring the
bell one more time, but that’s about it.
But now, because of the telephone,
all he has to do is hit seven numbers
Mike
Royko
and he can come crashing into your
life. He can keep ringing dozens of
times. Or call back every five minutes.
The only defense is that truly humane
device — the recorded message
machine. Naturally, I own one. And I
don’t care who knows it — when my
voice says: “Hi, I’m not in now ...” I’m
lying. I’m probably there, but I don’t
want to talk to you. If I did, I’d have
called you in the first place.
That’s the kind of message I wanted
to put on when I first got the answering
machine: “I’m right here, but I don’t
want to talk to you. And please don’t
leave a message. Send a brief postcard.”
But my wife wouldn’t let me, the
wimpette.
And Kent from Motorola wants to
make a phone my constant companion?
Consider just one terrible conse
quence of owning a portable telephone
and people knowing your number and
being able to make immediate contact.
You are sitting in a bar after work,
rewarding your frayed nerves for having
earned another day’s pay.
Suddenly your portable phone rings.
You answer it and the familiar voice
says: “I was about to put dinner on. Are
you on the expressway?”
“Yes, yes, that’s where I am, on the
expressway, but traffic is terrible. Must
be a big accident up ahead.”
“What’s that noise?”
"All those voices. I thought I heard
someone shout ‘bartender, another
round.’ ”
"Oh, that? Yes, traffic is so jammed
up that drivers are leaning out of win
dows and shouting things like ‘we bet
ter go around.’ ”
“I hear a juke box.”
"That’s my car radio.”
"Turn it down.”
“I can’t, it’s jammed.”
“Are vnn reallv on the pvnrexswav?”
“1 can’t hear you, we have a bad
connection.”
“You aren’t on the expressway.”
“Hello, hello, I can’t hear you. Good
bye.”
Life is so less complicated, relation
ships are so much more stable, if the
bartender answers his phone and simply
says: “No, he ain’t been in this year.”
So I wish Motorola or someone would
invent the kind of phone I’ve been
yearning for.
It would work this way. It would have
a little screen on it. And after one ring,
the screen would show the name of the
person making the call. It would also
have a button. And when I pressed the
button, the caller’s phone would emit
an ear-shattering obscenity.
Call me, Kent, when you put that on
the market. Better yet, drop me a brief
postcard.
©1987 By The Chicago Tribune
Royko is a Pulitzer prize-winning col
umnist for the Chicago Tribune.
The tale of plagiarist Malott
Biden’s historical counterpart
Sen. Joseph Biden may take conso
lation from the story of another
plagiarist, as related to me 30
years ago by the late screen actor
Adolphe Mer\jou.
The spiffily dressed, urbane actor,
best suited for roles either as urbane
blueblood or as urbane blueblood’s
urbane butler, was a gentleman of con
siderable learning who attended Cor
nell University.
The crisis arose when Dean Malott
was inaugurated as president of Cor
nell in 1951. A few weeks later, The
New Yorker magazine ran one of its
devastating “Funny Coincidence Depart
merit" pieces. In the left hand column,
it reprinted a few hundred words from
President Malott’s inaugural address.
On the right, a few hundred words from
an essay published in the 19th century
by an obscure British scholar. The left
hand column and the right hand column
were for all intents and purposes iden
tical, and quickly Cornell became the
laughingstock coast-to-coast.
"The board of trustees called an
emergency meeting to fire Malott,"
Mei\jou related. "And when they walked
into the administration building, Malott
said he had one request: He wanted the
board to meet in his private study
instead of in the cabinet room. They
said OK.
"Then he turned and said, ‘That wall
of books over there is books I haven't
read but hope to get around to reading.
That wall over there’ — he pointed to
the left of the room — 'is for books 1
have read."’
Then, Meqjou said, Malott asked the
chairman of the board kindly to pick up
some of the books from the shelves on
the left. The chairman did so.
‘"Now please pick out a book — any
book — open it, and read from it.’"
The board chairman dumbly did so,
and began reading.
"‘Stop!’ Malott said. And then, 1 kid
you not, my dear Bill, the president
proceeded to recite word for word the
ensuing three paragraphs. Then he
shrugged his shoulders and said, 'You
see my problem, gentlemen. I have a
photographic memory, and I simply
cannot recall with confidence whether
what 1 am writing is or isn’t original.’’’
The trustees, duly impressed, kept the
president on.
Such a happy-ending story was briefly
available to Sen. Joseph Biden, but
then came his fateful encounter with
"Frank,” the legendary figure who asked
him last April quite innocently where
Biden had attended law school and how
well had he done. Biden greeted this
rather innocent query with a vitupera
tive kick in the groin (‘‘I think I have a
much higher IQ than you do") and pro
ceeded to describe an academic career
William
Buckley
that would have made Erasmus proud.
And ... of course, it turned out not to
be so.
It is somewhere recorded that at age
13, when asked what he wished to be
when grown, Joseph Biden responded,
"Orator.” That exactly is what he grew
up to be. But he should have taken his
gift to the stage rather than to the
Senate, where it is expected that the
senators will acknowledge whose words
they are using, except when those
words are their ghosts’. The crowning
difficulty came when it was suspected
not only that Biden was using other
people’s words, but other people’s per
sonae. He became Robert Kennedy,
Neil Kinnock and Hubert Humphrey,
but now finds himself in their company
only in that all four of them can claim
to have passed unpleasantly from the
political scene.
Biden was one of the majority who
voted to introduce television to Senate
proceedings. Witnessing last week the
philistine rage at the expense of Robert
Bork, one knew that the tormentors
were (for the most part) camera-orien
ted, mulcting every dormant passion in
America, declining only to denounce
Bork as an enemy of the redwood tree.
It is perhaps for that reason a nice
poetical coincidence that a little tele
vision camera was grinding away when
Biden was explaining to “Frank” what
he and Sir Isaac Newton had in com
mon. Attention suddenly turned to the
question: Who supplied the press with
a copy of the C-SPAN tape? The statis
tical probability is that it would have
disappeared with the rest of the day’s
detritus.
Robert Bork needs to live with essays
written in 1971. He has coexisted with
such over a long period and is no more
disdained for the evolution of his
thought than Rubinstein for the differ
ence in the way he handled Chopin 15
years after he began. But Joseph Biden
came face to face with material only a
month old, and it proved mortal; in his
case, suicide. In the matter of Bork,
Biden plans homicide.
© 1987 UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE
Editorial Policy
Unsigned editorials represent
official policy of the fall 1987 Daily
Nebraskan. Policy is set by the Daily
Nebraskan Editorial Board. Its mem
bers are Mike Reilley, editor; Jeanne
Bourne, editorial page editor; Joan
Rezac, copy desk chief; Jann Nyffeler,
associate news editor, Charles Lieur
ance, assistant arts and entertainment
editor; Scott Harrah, night news editor
and Linda Hartmann, wire editor.
Editorials do not necessarily reflect
the views of the university, its em
ployees, the students or the NU Board
of Regents.
The Daily Nebraskan’s publishers
are the regents, who established the
UNL Publications Board to super
vise the daily production of the paper.
According to policy set by the regents,
responsibility for the editorial content
of the newspaper lies solely in the
hands of its student editors.
(10 School
une-Up
ecial $15.00
Includes: Lube, Truing Wheels,
<Adjusting Gears, Brakes & Bearings
Parts Extra
Expires 11-30-87
427 South 13th Street 475-0204
FAMOUS FROZEN YOGURT.
48th and “O”
Rock V Roll back the prices!
TOPPING TUESDAY
Tuesday's are on Zack's. Present this coupon
with your purchase any Tuesday and receive
ONE FREE TOPPING. Offer good on any
size cup or cone. Offer expires Jan. 1st.
Bronzed and
Beautiful...
That's what you can be at Command
Performance Stop in and get a healthy
K looking tan and a great looking hair
design that matches your active lifestyle
Visit us today for a more bronzed
and beautiful you
Free consultation with every visit
No appointment necessary
10 visits for $20.00
$10 off perm and cut
reg. $45.00 good thru Oct. 10th
Please Call For Appointment Command^
474-0281 Performance
2nJIeverfe“m STYLING SALONS
Open M-F Til 9 Sat. 9-5:30 Sun. 12-5 We l}egot the style for you.
We score high
on personal
eye care
No Interest—No Carrying
Charge — Budget Plan
•Free Contact Lens consultation to
discuss the best lens type for you.
Soli Lenses start at $90/pair.
•Guarantee on all glasses.
•45-60 day trial on all contact lenses.
•Expert consultation for patients with
contact lens problems or sensitive
eyes.
•Emergency service available lor )
contact lenses or glasses.
International
VISION CENTERS
3200 ‘O’ St. 475-1030
