Scandals good for profits in America
Donna Rice’s new commercial for
“No Excuses” jeans perpetuates the
cliche, “Only in America.”
What other country in the world
would put the woman who was part of
a presidential hopeful’s downfall on a
jean commercial?
This new tactic may be inherently
cheap, but I think there’s a highly
moral side to it. When scandals ruin
someone’s career, the advertising
world can save it by making a com
mercial that boost’s the victim’s PR
and promotes ethics as well.
Here are some suggestions for
commercials to save other scandal
victims:
Tammy Faye Bakker for Cover
Girl:
Tammy Faye lounges in her Palm
Springs living room as several ef
feminate-looking makeup artists
fawn over her and apply various cos
metics to her face.
“Girls, I’ve been through a lot,”
Tammy Faye says, grinning. “The
media tried to ruin Jim and me. All
those lawyers and journalists tearing
into us! Ohhh, honey, you can’t imag
ine what I suffered. All those people
cracking jokes about my makeup and
all those Tammy T-shirts! And all
those accountants — rummaging
through PTL records just to see how
much Jim and I blew on clothes, cars,
jewels, furs and diamond collars for
my puppy Snuggles... . Ohhh, hon
eys, it made this little girl just wanna
meet her maker.”
Tammy Faye wipes away a tear.
“So you know what, girls?” She
sniffs away the tears and bugs out her
eyes. “I talked to Jesus and he told me,
‘Tammy Faye, you need to cut back
expenses.’ So I discovered Cover
Girl. Itworksjustasgoodasthemorc
expensive makeup I used to wear, and
at a fraction of the cost. Like I told Mr.
Koppel on ‘Nightline,’ I’m a bargain
hunter. And Jesus told me to go on a
budget, so what better way to cut costs
than with Cover Girl? It works. It
really, really does!”
“Are you ready for your make
over, Mrs. Bakker?” asks one of the
poofy-haired makeup artists.
“I’ve never let anyone do my
makeup, but since you ’re using Cover
Girl, I know the job will be a miracle,
Maurice!”
Voiceover: Cover Girl ... the
makeup of miracles.
* * * *
Joseph Biden for Cliff’s Notes
and Corona beer:
Biden sits at The Hard Rock Cafe
with Bret Easton-Ellis, Michael J.
Fox and Molly Ringwald. All of them
are sipping Coronas and talking about
the pain and angst of life in the 1980s.
“Life these days is so tough, espe
cially for the young. Look at the pain
of college students,” whines Ring
wald.
“I know, Molly, that’s why I wrote
‘Less Than Zero.* I wanted to make a
statement about our dreary future,”
Easton-Ellis replies.
“Life was tough when I was
young, too,” Biden adds. “Why, we
didn’t have Cliff’s Notes in those
days.”
“Like, omigawd, you mean you
actually had to read Tolstoy? And
Fitzgerald and Shakespeare? “ Ring
wald asks.
“Boring. It must have been so
boring reading all those long, tedious
novels,” Fox says.
“I had to!” Biden sighs.”I never
would have gotten into law school
without English classes, so I was
forced to suffer through Tolstoy,
Byron, Faulkner — all of it. But now
we have Cliff’s Notes.”
“I know,” Easton-Ellis concedes.
“But they won’t write any Cliffs
Notes for MY book.”
“Cliffs Notes make college so
much easier, as long as you use them
as a reference guide and don’t use
them as a replacement for reading,”
I__
Biden says.
“And they make studying easier,
leaving more time for what else?”
Fox asks.
The four all raise their bottles and
cry, “Corona!”
Biden smiles, stares into the cam
era and says, “Cliff’s Notes and Co
rona . . . two easy ways to make it
through college. Take my word for
it.”
* * * *
Oliver North for Spam:
Voiceover: Spam’s the lunch meat
of heroes. Just ask Oliver North and
his family.
Ollic and his lovely wife and kids
sit at the kitchen table. His lovely wife
holds up a baked Spam covered with
honey glaze and cloves.
“With the Iran-Contra hearings
fillin’ up most of our days this sum
mer, the last thing we wanted to do
was spend an entire evening making a
good dinner,” says Mrs. North.
“So that’s why we like Spam,”
Ollie adds. “It’s quick to make and
cheap, too. We’re an American fam
ily — and Spam is a real American
meat. In fact, it was first designed to
feed the troops during the big World
War II.”
“And since it takes so little time to
make, it cuts my kitchen time in half,
leaving more time for what, Ollie?”
Mrs. North smiles at her hubby.
Brian Barber/Dally Nebraskan
“Leaving more time for playing
cards, making popcorn and singing
songs by the fire with the family,
sweetheart,”Ollie replies, displaying
his gap-toothed grin.
Voiceover: Spam ... the lunch
meat of heroes.
* * * *
Jessica Hahn for U2’s “Joshua
Tree" album:
Hahn sits on a beach watching the
waves crash into the sunset as “I Still
Haven’t Found What I’m Looking
For” plays in the background.
“You know, I still haven’t found
what I’m looking for, and 1 know I’ll
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