Friday, April 24, 1937
Daily Halfaskan
Pago 3
Chastity belts, codpieces
to be distributed here
By Ty Prider
Staff Letterman
The UNL Moral Majority plans a cod
piece and chastity-belt giveaway and
ice-cream social in celebration of
"Chastity Day," May 1.
Moral Majority spokespersons Virgi
nia Cherry and John Lackluster said
they received 700 codpieces and chas
tity belts (c-belts) from their parent
organization, the Moral Majority, ear
lier this year. With the paraphernalia,
the group plans to hand out pamphlets
that will explain the use of chastisty
belts (securely fastened belt-like devi
ces of metal or leather fastened on a
woman to prevent sexual intercourse
Webster's new 20th century dic
tionary) and codpieces (an ornamented
bag or flap worn fastened over the fron
opening of tight breeches Webster's).
The pamphlets will also include
proper use and consumption of ice
cream. A controversial quote in one of
the illustrated brochures reads: "Ice
cream should be placed on a cone and
licked or put in a dish and eaten with a
spoon. Drips should be avoided."
"Since the 1980s borrows so heavily
from past decades, we thought it would
be only one small step to borrow from
past centuries," Cherry said.
Ironically codpieces, worn by men in
the 15th and 16th century including
trendsetter King Henry VIII, were used
by some to call attention to the male
organ. Some were even jeweled.
Those given out at UNL will be much
plainer, and the idea behind them will
not be to draw attention to the male
organ, but to de-emphasize it. The cod
piece symbolizes a male version of the
chastity belt, Lackluster said.
Chastity belts were worn by women
in the Middle Ages when their hus
bands were away as proof and
enforcement of faithfulness.
UNL attorney Rich Woody refused to
confirm or deny a report that the uni
versity planned to go to county court to
stop the distribution which was to take
place by Broyhill Fountain and in both
student "unions."
"I have no comment at this time " he
said.
"Codpieces and c-belts convey visual
messages," Cherry said. "We hope col
lege students are mature enough to
handle them."
God: I need Lied;
NU Foundation shaken
The construction of the Lied Center
on the UNL campus is all part of God's
plan, the DH learned today. NU Foun
dation chairman D.B. (Woody) Farmer
said that he had been told by God to
build a "huge empty monument of insig
nificance to me." When Farmer asked
God where to get the money, he was
nearly stricken by a thunderbolt,
according to Farmer.
When asked to confirm his part in
the story, God replied, "It's my plan,
and it's none of your business. Do what
you're told, or I'll make you build me a
rec center." Farmer, who is staying in
the Prayer Tower near God's South
Stadium office, commented upon the
seriousness of his mission.
"God has graciously charged me
with fulfilling his work, and I sure hope
people keep those donations coming. I
I just can't count on PTL support
anymore."
Sliorts
Il&ngg 'em higher
Lincoln police rushed into Hamilton
Hall just in time Thursday to save Prof.
Harold Stank from being hanged from
the ceiling by his Chemistry 109 stu
dents. The students became violent
when Stank announced he would give a
quiz on the Wednesday of dead week.
"Apparently Stank didn't take the
term 'dead week' seriously," said
Chancellor Martian Coffinnail. "But
the students did."
Record-size ANUS
The ANUS election commission has
updated the election rule book. The
300-pound book breaks the record for
size of any book on campus, said UNL
Dean of Libraries Ben Bookbinder.
I. Spy, head of the commission, said
"We'll really get 'em with this."
The male election commissioners
also have ordered falsies and wigs for
next spring's search of the women's
bathrooms for illegal posters.
. Surority creature' ."
A group of five UNL "women were
attacked by unidentified space crea
tures as they walked across campus
Tuesday.
One of the creatures spouted sounds
which were translated by a modern
languages professor.
- According to the professor, the crea
tures mistook the women for female
space creatures, because the large
bows on the women's heads resembled
antennas.
Penis of the Plains
The Beastly Boys are set to appear at
the Farm Aid III Concert in Memorial
Stadium in September. However, band
member Mike-D. says their huge phal
lic symbol will not come with them.
"Lincoln already has one of those in
plain sight of the stadium," he said.
"They even let little kids have tours in
it."
, n i. ... v.1 - ' IIIWUII Mllll 1IP .1 l .. ,11! -
; j V,
I ' jj . '
" K (Z1 iY ; t
- : ' 1 .J r,.
in :-;-r-.-:---. -. -.
-
)
V 5,
V
1 -v L
Par coarse pioneer malces UNL history
Delbert Brinkmeir made history
Thursday morning when he became
the first person to use the UNL fit
ness course since it was completed
last year.
Enduring the stares and guffaws
of his peers, Brinkmeir half jogged,
half walked from station to station,
contorting his body in many bizarre
ways to complete required exercises.
The Daily Halfaskan caught up
with him at Station 8, east of the
Kappa Delta house, where he was
doing the body curl: "Grasp bar. Lift
leg up and over head"
Afterward, Brinkmeir, a sopho
more plant pathology major, was
lifted by a usually non-athletic crowd
of students and thrown into Boil Hill
fountain.
"It felt good to run the course. I
felt like a pioneer breaking new
sod," he said.
Brinkmeir completed the course
in a record-low and high time of 3
hours, 52 minutes and 8 seconds. He
said he plans to run the course
again, next time possibly in the
dark for an added challenge.
"I got confused in pre-class, rush
traffic once between Selleck and
Andrews and lost the trail," he said.
"Next time I'm sure I can shave a
good 13 minutes off my time."
J:
V
-
Lstl WondtriogDaily HaKaskan
BdDims, paupHmg tote to be eTmmgsmt
Official: students will just have to live and park elsewhere
SCANDAL from Page 1
the DH has learned the university will
build similar lots all over campus.
It's just the touch this campus needs
to jack up everyone's low morale," Cof
finnail wrote in the report.
A measly $100,000 will be the pri
cetag of a university permit for the
luxury praking spaces, complete with
enclosed pavilions for owner-sponsored
festivities.
"No more mud to drity-up cars, no
more obnoxious Greek pledges trying
to sell fans parking spaces, no more
pick-up trucks to steer around in park
ing lots," Coffinnail envisioned in the
report "Football Saturdays will become
the truly cultural events they are meant
to be."
UNL Parking Administrator Pay
Highpark said the lots will replace stu
dent and faculty parking north of the
Nebraska Union, south and west of
Harper-Schramm-Smith, east of Abel
Sartdoz and east of Cather-Ppund.
Should the demand for the spaces be
higher than anticipated, Highpark said,
Oldfather Hall could be razed for a
sixth lot.
"That location close to Memorial
Stadium would be ideal. Besides, Old
father interferes with golf-course play,"
he said.
Doug DaBoss, revered alumnus, will
put in his 2-cents worth to improve the
overall football experience of Corn
husker fans. DaBoss told the DH that
he plans to create a valet parking ser
vice to give ex-NU athletes jobs and to
provide new-car financing free for foot
ball patrons.
Highpark said that in order to
"enhance the pleasing atmosphere" in
the lots, cars made before 1883 will be
barred from the lots. Mavericks, Volks
wagens, Chevettes, Pintos and Novas of
any year will be towed automatically.
Condo-dcms
Another service planned for football
fans and Lied patrons is the conversion
of UNL residence halls into luxury liv
ing condominiums. Plans have been
revealed to turn student-go jrnment
meeting rooms and study carrels into
Jacuzzis and saunas. Student assist
ants will be employed as personal
valets and shoeshine boys and girls.
One-hundred percent cotton towels
embroidered with "Annihilate Okla
homa" will replace the bathrooms'
paper towels (in the halls that have
paper towels).
The food services will undergo mas
sive changes. Waiters and waitresses
will be hired; reservations and formal
attire will be required; sushi bars will
replace salad bars; veal scallopini, moo
goo gai pan and filet of dover sole Lord
Calvert will replace the ever-popular
turkey Americana and Johnny Marzetti.
"Students will just have to live and
park elsewhere," said one administra
tor, who spoke on the conditions that
he be made a fool of.
BJjou Business theatre
Only one report plan was specifically
designed for students' benefit.
When BIG party candidate Steve
Showoff called for the College of Busi
ness Administration Building to be bul
ldozed and replaced with a drive-in
movie screen, he came close to the se
ret plans of the UNL administration. In
fact, on a tape that Coffinnail secretly
recorded in his barricaded office (dis
covered and copied by the DH) Jack
Goofball worried that the ASUN "joke"
party might have accidentally disco
vered the "luxurization" plans.
"If this all comes out before its
time," said a voice identified as Goof
ball's, "I'll take the fifth. . . The Legis
lature will never get anything out of
me."
Apparently Goofball worried that
the Legislature would not approve funds
for "Clubbe Rec," if the luxurization
plans were revealed too soon.
In fact, the truth is much more
shocking than the BIG party proposal:
The administration plans to rename
the lackluster CBA building the "Byoux
Business TheatreCollege." This sum
mer, van-loads of big-screen TVs, mic
rowave ovens (for snacks), fainting
couches, Lay-Z-Boys, refrigerators and
other couch-potato paraphernalia is to
be loaded into the alleged "classrooms."
Then in phase II of the project, in
collaboration with the music depart
ment, so-called "teaching assistants"
will be assigned to each big screen to
introduce videos and provide intimate
details of the video-instructors' lives,
their other videos and who they're
sleeping with. The VJTAs also will
present weekly segments on the mak
ing of the videos, explaining special
effects behind each project.
"The plan will not only help stu
dents stay awake and interested during
the videos, but it will also make sure
music students are trained for some
real work not this pansy conducting
and composing stuff," CoQnnail wrote
in the "Bijoux" segment of the report
' Already some music students have
beefed up their wardrobes, tinted their
hair, acquired fake tans and taken
speech lessons in preparation, .
Other colleges were ignored in the
report
