Thursday, April 23, 1G37
Daily Nebraskan
Pago 9
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what's
so
funny
by
geoff
mcmurtry
7
i4 i
Are you comfortable?
Aulph.
OK, good.
All I can hear at the moment is
this horrible, otherworldly whine of
power tools, and my mind keeps
conjuring up an image of a chainsaw
grinding against the outside corner
of the building. After a brief eter
nity, the noise dies down, and he
switches appliances. This new one
has a much lower sound, which is
probably caused by a much larger
grindstone. There can't be much
left of that tooth. Sure glad I can't
feel this.
I am strapped down in a comfor
table recliner in a clean, pleasant
office, and evil-looking electronic
devices of unspeakable torture are
being inserted in my stretched-open
1 mouths Also in my gaping oral cav
ern i$ planted a rather remarkable
device. The latest in dental tech
nology, it's a big flap of latex called
a rubber dam, and it undoubtedly
seems brought to U3 by the people of
Phillips Petroleum. Anyway, the big
dam rubber thing is held in place by
a variety of clamps or thumbtacks or
something and apparently prevents
broken drill bits or chunks of teeth
from getting lost in my throat.
Works pretty well, too. Every fashion
model should have a picture taken
at least once like this.
Between bouts with the drills and
lathes, the nice man torturing me
scrapes the excess enamel from the
underside of the roots of my teeth
with a tiny whetstone and chats
pleasantly with me and the hygien
ist. "How far along are you school?"
"Nochfaranufth."
"I'm a sophomore."
"Mmhm. You haven't been here
in a while, have you?"
"Nls. Ilslthorry."
"Well, I had two tests last week."
"Ah, 1 see. What are you study
ing?" "Iono."
"I haven't chosen a major yet, but
it'll be something in medicine or
health care."
"Well, that's certainly an inter
esting field, don't you think?"
"Ohyefth."
About now even the serious
enamel is starting to wear through,
and it's time for more power tools.
Luckily, the terrible image of the
chainsaw against the corner of the
building is no longer plauging me.
Now my mind is treating me to a
memory rerun of "Marathon Man,"
and I get to be Dustin Hoffman. It's
really a pleasure imagining I'm
watching a seasoned pro like Lau
rence Oliver work. Sure glad I can't
feel this.
While the nice man with the
drills chips away at my teeth, the
nice girl across from him has a
vacuum stuck in my mouth so the
smoke from the drilling doesn't set
off the sprinklers. Luckily, the
vacuum gets all the collected spit
off the rubber dam thing, too. Ah,
yes, at times like these a young
man's fancy turns to thoughts of . . .
uh oh, more scraping. I guess there
was still some enamel left.
It occurs to me that it might be
simpler to let all my teeth rot away
and inject my food with some sort of
IV system, but before I can struggle
out from under the assorted drills,
rasps, picks and the dam rubber
thing to suggest it, the nice man
torturing me says we're done. That's
it. It's all over.
l1'. s
Tom LauderDiversions
Actually, it could have been worse.
The sound of the drill drowned out
that Starship song I couldn't get out
of my mind. Thankfully, it's gone
now, replaced by the much more
pleasing sound of a high-pitched,
metallic whine. In fact, now that I
remember it, Death Wish III was
much more excruciating. Truth be
known, this took less time than an
episode of "The Facts of Life," and
I'm a better man for it.
All in all, that wasn't so bad, now
was it?
IfoWELL ( ) T.
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