Thursday, March 5, 1987
Daily Nebraskan
Page 11
II
HARRAH from Page 10
star's groping hands. "Those little beads
aren't Valium. They're part of my necklace!"
Betty smiles. "Liz, honey, why don't you go
out by the pool and eat the tofu sandwich the
cook just made for you."
Suddenly, Betty notices that Stevie has left
the room.
"Oh, Liz, we must find her!" she screams.
The two both run outside as Liza sings
"Life is a Cabaret" and starts to have a seiz
ure. Liz and Betty find Stevie out by the pool,
snorting Sweet and Low from a bowl that sits
next to a pitcher filled with low-calorie
macrobiotic herbal tea
"Stevie, stop!" Liz cries, grabbing the
star's mane of frizzed-out hair. "You must
control yourself. Why, I stuck with Betty's
program and look how slim, confident and
graceful I've become!"
Suddenly, Jerry Lee Lewis walks by carry
ing his suitcase.
"Let's go, Stevie," he says. "Let's go take
the next flight to L.A. and go snort some good
stuff."
"Betty's eyes bulge. "And just where do you
think you're going?"
"Home." He grabs Stevie. "I'm tired of you
waking me up at 5 a.m. just so I can run
around the desert in sweat pants and be back
by 6 for tofu, wheat germ and broasted bulgur
toast."
"Don't listen to him, Stevie," warns Liz.
"You stick with Betty, and People and Us will
both run cover stories on how you kicked the
habit once you leave."
"And you'll be yet another successful
graduate of my center," adds Betty. "A center
founded by me, because I too was once a
Tinseltown tragic who needed help!"
"And think of all the courageous tales
you'll have to tell Mary Hart on 'Entertain
ment Tonight,' " Liz says sweetly.
"Yes," says Stevie as Sweet and Low seeps
out of her nose, "Me, Stevie Nicks, a courage
ous success story! And I'll even write a song
about it."
"Publicity is good for you," muses Liz.
"And so is a macrobiotic diet," Betty
smiles. "Now eat your tofu like a good cour
ageous celebrity."
I know it's rather morbid to laugh at Betty
and her patients, but why not? She's parlayed
substance abuse into a new form of PR an
obligatory element to all that is Tinseltown.
"Were it not for the extensive collection of
Republican glass elephants, the sculpture
from Brezhnev on the coffee table and the
signed portrait of the king and queen of Jor
dan," People magazine writes, "Betty Ford's
home might be any wealthy industrialist's
desert hideaway."
Isn't it nice that Betty has such an unique
abode to come home to after a hard day's
work of treating degenerate stars? She needs
rest if she believes what Lily Tomlin says in
the play, "The Search For Signs of Intelligent
Life in the Universe."
"If Andy Warhol was right about everyone
being famous for 15 minutes in the future,"
she says, "how do we all plan to get admitted
to the Betty Ford Center?"
Betty, you'd better call the nearest con
struction company and start expanding.
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