Page 8
Daily Nebraskan
Wednesday, March 4, 1987
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A Specialty shop for:
Brides
AttendantsMothers
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FormalsProms
2530 "0 " Street
Lincoln, NE. 68510
parking in back
475-3741
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Are those long walks
to class wearing
on your feet?
Dr. Paul Klawitter
Ambulatory
Foo Ankle Clinic
Says:
THINK OF YOUR FOOT FUNCTIONING VERY
SIMILAR TO THE FRONT END OF YOUR CAR.
When your car's out of alignment
The tires wear out
Uneven stress is placed on the frame
The steering wheel begins to shake
Soon the car functions so badly, you can't drive it
THE MISALIGNED FOOT DOES THE SAME THING.
Pressures develop and trouble starts immediately
Bones move against bones
Ligaments become stretched
Soon the entire alignment of your entire body is faulty
SYMPTOMS OF FAULTY FOOT FUNCTION
localized foot pain
then bunions, corns, and calluses
before long, pain in the knees
hip pain, leg cramps
back pain
and even neck pain-headaches
fatigue
YOU JUST HURT ALL OVER!
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
Call Dr. Paul Klawitter and Associates at Ambulatory
Foot and Ankle Clinic for free consutation or exam
through the month of March.
We are not listed under podiatrist in the yellow pages
but under physician D.P.M.
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4413 Farnam
Omaha, Ne.
600 N. Cotner
Suite 116
4C3-0219
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Courtesy of Pershing
'Do you Wee parties?'
Tickets for the Beastie Boys' March 1 5 concert at Pershing Auditorium are now on sale
at the Pershing box office, all Brandeis outlets, Pickles Records, both Dirt Cheap stores
and the Nebraska Unions. Call 471-7500 to charge tickets by phone.
Holy TVs heaven can rate
On-air evangelists: divine comedy for bored-again viewers
By Charles Lieurance
Senior Reporter
omewhere between the Cable Value
Network and the Lake of Fire are
the TV evangelists, those purvey
ors of hateful ignorance who have per
formed the miracle of turning Elmer
Gantry's traveling chautauqua tent into
a multi-billion-dollar industry and gold
plating the old rugged cross. Their con
stituency is the old, the lonely and the
uneducated, the narrow and the short
sighted, those who have suffered insur
mountable crises and those whose free
minds have been crushed by the effer
vescent, middle-class, Caucasian Jesus.
This is not to say that there isn't also
a constituency of viewers who watch
these caterwauling Christians simply
for the entertainment value. A whole
generation of young Americans have
discovered that watching Jimmy Swag
gart pound his great gavel of a list on
the old family Bible in condemnation of
fags, freeloaders and free thinking, is
far funnier than your average sit com.
There are no noisy laugh tracks, no
obsessive cheerfulness and, best of all,
it's real life. Watching the eyes of some
fundamentalist preacher's congregation
tearing up as they're told they're
heading for hell in a hand basket, and
then watching them scrape our their
pockets into the collection plate in
gratitude sure beats the hell out of "My
Sister Sam."
In an effort to keep you up on which
of the multitude of TV evangelists is
the most entertaining, I've assembled a
list of the loudest and most self
righteous, those most adept at the
spiritual blackmail that is funda
mentalist evangelism.
Tube Talk
1) Jimmy Swaggart:
Swaggert is a spiritual terrorist, a
mutant hybrid of his kin Jerry Lee
Lewis, Captain Ahab, Elmer Gantiy and
the Spanish Inquisition. He hates nearly
everything about modern American life,
except, of course, the currency.
He is a ranting screamer who makes
sometimes completely nonsensical
poetry out of condemnation. His white
hair falls in his face; he sweats and
barrels through his ratty Bible like,
dare I say it, a man possessed. And he
finds verses that support the forced
exile or death of liberals, rock Y
rollers, gays, politicians, insurance
salesmen, feminists, drinkers, smokers,
college professors, cultists, tolerant
Christians and sexual perverts.
Hell hath no fury like Swaggart
scorned. The only problem with watch
ing Swaggart for entertainment value is
that Swaggart is really a dangerous
man.
2) Jim a id Tammy Bakker:
Jim and Tammy are nowhere near as
hypnotic as Swaggart, but they are
surely funnier. So much has been
printed in this newspaper about the
Bakkers that I'll just say this: Tammy is
not human; she's made of Mary Kay
cosmetics through which an electric
charge passes to keep her upright. So
that this ball of makeup won't crack,
the outer shell is continually lubricated
by the discharge of fluid from the eye
holes.
Jim is a large toad.
3) Jerry Falwell:
Falwell used to be at the top of the
list. He started the whole idea of the
evangelist sent to devastate this Sodom
and Gomorrah called America by taking
God out of the church on Sunday
morning and into the streets, onto the
airwaves and into the White House.
Now, he's kind of boring and looks
like he'd really rather be back in the
church on Sunday morning.
4) Oral Roberts:
Oral Roberts never would have made
this list at all were it not for his recent
attempts to extort money from his
followers by threatening them with his
death unless they gave him every cent
they had.
His approach to Christianity has
been moderate and relatively innocuous,
sticking with overexplaining the Scrip
tures and selling his followers trinkets
and bricks with names on them between
monotonic spiritual pep rallies.
He must have changed PR men
somewhere along the line.
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