Thursday, February 12, 1987
Daily Nebraskan
Page 7
(IS Mh i ro
tSongs for those who are qettinq no valentines
( cxD jSfe Brian MaryDiversions
By Charles Lieurance
Diversions
(For Amy)
I know who didn't get any Valentines.
Frank, the ether-sucking loon in David
Lynch's "Blue Velvet," for instance, didn't get
any Valentines. And Ed Gein, the Wisconsin
i f boy who stuffed his mum for, posterity and
turned his neighbors into lampshades and
paperweights, never got any Valentines. John
Wayne Gacey, who remodeled his basement
in Treblinka deco, got some Valentines but
they were all from folks like Nancy Reagan
and never from the kids in the neighborhood.
These helpful facts are given in hopes that,
as you kneel at home in a closet, butt-deep in
pictures of your old girlfriend or boyfriend
who ran off to "date around" or "see someone
blonder," hyperventilating into a paper bag
between bursts of uncontrollable weeping, on
Valentine's Day, you'll find more constructive
ways to deal with the fact that you never
received a heart-shaped doily stitched to a
folded piece of paper (not even one), than to
hack innocent or even sort of guilty people
into bite-size bits.
For you males, try to keep in mind that the
Yanomama Indians of Venezuela and Brazil
consider women a valuable source of protein
in their diet. ' .
And for you women, remember that during
the 15th century men became so paranoid
about your power over them that they went off
shrieking into the night that their penises
and livers had been stolen by their bedmates
as they were sleeping (see the "Malleus Male
... ficarum": for details), leaving many a woman
sitting up in bed grinning insidiously.
So, instead of listing songs for those in love
this Valentine's Day, I'll dwell on music for
people who aren't, who are so far away from
love they've forgotten what kissing feels like.
O "Gimme Back My Bullets"
Lynyrd Skynyrd.
This is maybe the best song for those of you
who have just gone through an ugly breakup.
It's sort of a reply song to the Beatles' ever-so-phallic
"Happiness is a Warm Gun." "No!"
say Skynyrd with their usual scowling Con
federate contempt, happiness is havin' yer
"bullets" (wink, wink) back in their "barrel,"
thank you. Get my drift, pardner?
A warm gun is a fired gun and a fired gun is
an empty gun and an empty gun is an invita
tion to push the shopping cart around the
aisles of Sav-Mart while SHE tosses in frozen
brussel sprouts and ogles Bruce Willis on the
cover of the Enquirer as you go through the
check-out.
O "(You're) Havin' My Baby - Paul
Anka
Remember, this could have happened to
you.
This was sure a great song to be singing to
a bunch of teenagers whose parents were as
stuffy, pharmaceutical numbed and inar
ticulate as Tom Snyder, who didn't know a
condom from a water balloon and who could
only get the pill if their pent-up Eisenhower
clone parents, the school principal, the fam-.
ily minister, a notary public, a witness and a
sea captain signed for it.
"Cosae Again" The Au Pairs
This is the ultimate emasculation song.
In a Marlene Dietrich montone, lead singer
Lesley Woods yawns and sings things like
'that was great" and "we'll have to do it again
some time" to a male who is completely
incapable of giving her any sexual pleasure.
Her voice, utterly devoid of concern, asks, "Is
your finger aching?" even though she obviously
could care less.
Meanwhile the guitar, obviously represent
ing the male of the encounter, gets more
jagged and frantic.
O "Cinderella" Firefall
From one of the great wimp rock Eagles
rip-off bands of the '70s came this great bit of
macho, working-class misogyny about a woman
who just won't stop havin' kids and destroyin'
this poor workin' class stiffs chances of ever
gettin' ahead uh the game. Although in the
last verse of the song he regrets having sent
his woman packing with their 92 kids into the
cold world, the first portion of the song,
where the poor rube can't seem to figure out
where all the drool bunnies are coming from,
is classic.
Sometimes, ya just gotta love crap like
this, especially if your significant other just
ran off with a ski instructor or tennis pro or
something.
O "O Bondage Up Yours" X-Ray
Specs
Poly Styrene, the lead singer of this British
punk group, wails up a storm about per
sonal relationships and how much they suck;
Play this and Helen Reddy's "I am Woman"
side by side just so you can tell the difference
between fury and being miff ed over a hangnail.
O "Mandy" Barry M&nilow
One listen to this should remove any desire
on your part to participate in the amentities
of Valentine's Day. You couldn't have been in
love, it must have been someone else. Guns,
blackmail, an Italian named Aldo "the Snarf"
Coronari, couldn't make you fall into this.
To recover you have to read biology texts to
remind yourself that all this whining is over
something that happens to nematodes, ear
wigs and bloatworms as well as humans.
Many scientists even think that physical
attraction can be explained by odors.
" remember all my life
Rainin ' down as cold as ice
shadows of a man
a face through a window
crying in the night ..."
Good God, go buy some ice cream. "Last
Tango in Paris" is on the late show. :,
O Pledging My Laeve" JoLauy
Ace "Seasons in the Sun" Terry
Jacks T
John Marshall Alexander, alias Johnny
Ace, shot himself playing Russian roulette
backstage at Houston's Civic Auditorium at
the agejof 25. On the basis of this song,
Cashbo magazine called Ace the "most pro
grammed artist of 1954." Don't sound like
they programmed 'im too well to me.
Terry Jacks paraphrased an old Jacques
Brel song and took it to the top of the charts.
In it he threatens suicide to a girl, Michelle.
Soon after, he killed himself.
These are two really good answers to Paul
McCartney's musical question, "Some people
wanna fill the world with silly love songs,
what's wrong with that?"
O "Billy Don't be a Ilero" Bo
Donaldson emd the Heywobds
This is a great song for women about how
stupid men are. Billy would rather go off to
war than roll in the hay. And not only would
he rather go off to war, he'd rather jump out
into the line of fire and get his dumb butt
killed than roll in the hay. There's a great
final response when some officious army
courier brings the fool's girlfriend a letter -saying
what a hero he was. She threw the
letter away. She also demanded IQ tests from
all the men she dated thereafter.