Thursday, December 1986
Page 4
Daily Nebraskan
Nebraskan
University of Nebraska-Lincoln
Merry S-mas NU
A special session, a budget cut
Somehow, it was inevitable.
Despite the hopes of NU
students, faculty members
and administrators for a year of
relative safety, the university
Wednesday received one of the
worst Christmas presents pos
sible. They're cutting the budget
again.
If you think you've heard this
before, you have. Four times in
the last six year, state govern
ment has taken money away from
NU in the middle of the year.
This time, Gov. Bob Kerrey pro
poses to trim $1.6 million in
state support for the university,
or 1 percent of the amount the
Legislature approved last June.
That 1 percent cut is decep
tively small. In fact, it adds to
the growing inability of NU to
fulfill its educational mission
due to minuscule yearly budget
hikes and endless mid-year cuts.
The reason for the upcoming
special legislative session p,
$17 million state-budget deficit
that must be erased by law is
clear. But continued calls for NU
to take substantial shares of
cuts cannot be justified.
Mid-year cuts are the worst
kind for an institution like NU.
The nature of the academic cal
endar means a school has to pay
faculty members, schedule and
conduct courses, enter into con
tracts and so on based on that
calendar. When money is taken
away in mid-year, the school has
to suddenly "make do" with
much less money than it counted
on and the effect is greater
because some of the year's money
has already been spent. Courses
and course sections are canceled,
classes grow even bigger, and
students lose out.
Then, the next year, the school
In a paragraph . . .
Study shows state smokes less
In Monday's Daily Nebraskan,
we reported that the percent
age of Nebraskans who smoke
is less than the percentage of
Americans who smoke, according
to a five-year study by the Nebra
ska Prevention Center for Alcohol
and Drug Abuse. Twenty-five per
cent of Nebraskans smoke, com
pared to the 30 percent national
average. From 1980 to 1985 the
number of male and female
smokers in the state declined.
Maybe all the media attention
centering on the ill effects of
smoking is starting to pay off.
The Crimson White, the Uni
versity of Alabama's student
newspaper, reported last week
that the school started voluntary
drug testing for some of the
employees in its athletic depart
ment. The problem: The testing
is not supervised as are the tests
given to the athletes. Athletic
director and football coach Ray
Perkins instituted drug testing
for athletes in January 1984.
They tested for strength-enhancing
steroids and street drugs. For
the sake of the athletes, the
Jeff Korbciik, Editor, 472,1766
James Rogers, Editorial Page Editor
Gene Gentrup, Managing Editor
Tammy Kaup, Associate News Editor
Todd von Kampen, Editorial Page Assistant
sees elimination of courses and
faculty positions and closing of
degree programs students de
pended on having when they
came there. There may have been
a time when NU could avert
shutting off students' educations
by simple belt-tightening. But,
as UNL Faculty Senate President
Allen Blezek says, "I can assure
them there's no more fat." Anyone
intimately involved with NU
knows that's true.
And there's the continued
erosion of morale. Blezek says
each succeeding budget slice
"cuts more of the spirit and
pride of the faculty members."
Faculty members think about
leaving and have left. Students
think of leaving NU or fleeing the
state after graduation and
they have. And NU's ability to
help Nebraska rise from its
economic abyss continues to
atrophy.
It's all been said before. Few
seem to listen. As long as NU
continues to get some money,
some seem to think, the state is
doing its duty. It's just not true.
With every budget cut and tiny
increase, a little more of NU dies.
Someday, Nebraskans will find
that "good old Nebraska U" is
little more than a glorified degree
mill because it won't have the
strength to put muscle into its
education.
We don't see any way to stop
the latest mid-year cut from
happening. The die seems already
to have been cast. Nonetheless,
senators should know the con
sequences of the latest fall of the
budget axe. Talking about the
need for NU to "take its share" of
cuts is fine but if NU shares
much more, its days as a fine and
respected institution will soon
run out.
university should supervise all
tests. What's good for the goose
is good for the gander.
Two weeks ago the Los Angeles
Times reported that Vice Presi
dent George Bush has taken the
early lead for the Republican
nomination. The October Gallup
Poll showed Bush receiving 57
percent of Republicans' and
Republican-leaning indepen
dents' combined first- and second-place
nominations votes.
"Jack the Snipper" has been
reported on the University of
Virginia campus. United Press
International reported that some
one has been sneaking up on
women in the campus library
and cutting off hunks of their
hair.
"And on the eighth day God
created rock 'n' roll." Earlier
this week the As
reported that Pope John Paul II
enjoys modern music, including
rock. To add to that, rock star
Little Richard said that Rock 'n'
Roll was invented by God, not
the devil, and is planning a tour
to prove it.
It's good
That is, if good does exist, which it doesn't, or does it?
Winston Smith is a fool. You
remember Winston, he's the main
character of George Orwell's
1984. I, a Surely Modern and Right
Thinker (SMART), know it is quite
obvious that Smith is a fool.
Why, you ask (as if it really isn't
patently obvious to all but the totally
blind), is Smith a fool? Well, being a
SMART, I usually don't condescend to
answer useless questions, but I'll make
an exception in this case . . just this
once.
Smith is a fool because he had the
audacity make that the incredible
audacity to affirm absolute truth.
I'm sure you remember the scene:
Smith's inquisitor wanted Smith to say
that 2 plus 2 equals 3. Or at least grant
the possibility that 2 plus 2 equals 3.
Well, Smith, silly fellow that he was,
underwent excruciating torture because
he insisted that 2 plus 2 equals 4. Of
course, Smith caved in later, but only
after an incredible (and vain) ordeal.
Smith's insistence on absolutes was so,
so . . . well, so, passe. He could have
saved himself a lot of grief if he simply
understood that truth is relative.
We SMARTS wouldn't make the same
mistake. After all, SMARTs know beyond
question (recall that I'm condescend
ing to enlighten your dark souls) that
virtues are mere opinion. Only in the
dark ages did people assert absolute
virtues. (Of course, certain cretins liv
ing in the age of us SMARTs still affirm
absolute values).
Beauty, Goodness and Truth were
the demonic triumvirate of absolute
virtues maintained by the fools of the
past. Those mischievous miscreants
actually thought that all enlightened
minds could affirm the existence of
objective, absolute virtues. Such a
notion truly merits being called the
hobgoblin of the Age of the Arrogant
Ass.
Without traitorous media tattlers,
the Contras might be doing nicely
When I saw my conservative friend
Grump, I turned up my coat
collar and pulled my hat over
my face. But he spotted me anyway.
"Trying to hide, you despicable cur?"
he said.
Something like that.
"I don't blame you. If I had as much
to feel guilty about as you, I'd crawl
into a hole."
I've been thinking about it.
"Then I assume you have seen the
words of your Commander in Chief?"
I was just reading them.
"You know, then, that he has found
the culprit in this terrible mess?
Yes. It says right here that it's the
fault of the press. He says that his
secret Iran deal was doing fine until
the press opened its big mouth.
"That's right. So how do you feel
about your seedy profession causing
this national crisis?"
Terrible. But I'm also confused.
"About what? You and your ilk and
guilty. It's as simple as that. The whole
pack of you should be tried for treason."
But shouldn't we be given a little
credit for trying to be docile lapdogs?
"As you should."
Of course. And when he said this
country wouldn't negotiate with ter
rorists, did anybody argue?
"What was there to argue about?"
Nothing. We all agreed that we had
to be tough on terrorists and those who
support them.
"1 would hope so."
So how were we supposed to know
that it was our policy not to negotiate
with terrorists or those who support
terrorists except when the President
decided that he wanted to negotiate
with them?
"That was supposed to be a secret.
Until you fools blew the whistle."
And I feel terrible about it. Except
we didn't blow the whistle. The Iranians
did. Some of them obviously wanted to
make Reagan look stupid for trusting
to be a SMAKT
The triumvirate of virtues stand or
fall together. Beauty was the first to go.
"Beauty is in the mind of the beholder"
is the wise axiom that shames the false
opinion. If some soul wants to assert
that a pile of shit is truly Beautiful, so
be it. Who are we SMARTs to force our
opinions on a fellow SMART?
I remember a music teacher of my
Jim
Rogers
childhood telling me that my perfor
mance of a certain passage was rather
ugly. I said, "Who are you, god? Beauty
is in the mind of the beholder." What a
beautiful sentiment.
Goodness was the next virtue to go.
After all, who's to say what's good?
There's a lot of honest disagreement on
the subject, and SMARTs know that
means there's no one right answer.
Right? (Of course, SMARTs ask this
question only out of politeness; the fact
that there is no right, is right:)
After all, Hitler and Gandhi dis
agreed on whether or not genocide was
permissible. SMARTs don't condescend
to debate this vain question; we simply
say we don't know. Who was Gandhi to
say something was wrong, . . . god?
Actually, Gandhi, in insisting on an
absolute standard of morality, was an
Arrogant Ass and a silly fool just like
Winston Smith.
Rodney A. Bell II, a UNL SMART, says
that morality is a matter of "people's
opinion." He's right. Who is anyone to
force their opinion on Hitler ... are
they god? Stupid little snots that assert
absolute moral standards just burn us
SMARTs up. People that assert abso
them.
"But did you have to report it?"
If we didn't, the rest of the world's
press would have anyway.
"That's no excuse."
It's the only one I can think of.
"Well, as the President says, the fate
of the hostages is on your conscience."
I know, and we feel remorse because
Mike
Royko
the President had such a good thing
going. He'd ship some military hardware
to Iran, Iran would get a hostage
released, the President would go on TV
and grin at the released hostage, then
they'd kidnap another hostage, and
we'd ship them some more military
hardware, and they'd release another
hostage, and he'd go on TV, and they'd
kidnap another hostage . . .
"You're being a wiseguy."
Not at all. If was excellent foreign
policy. The steady turnover of hostages
stimulated trade between our nations
and assured us of having a healthy
Iranian cash flow to our friends the
Contras.
"I'm glad you recognize the wisdom
of his actions."
Of course I do. But wouldn't it have
been simpler if he had just announced
that we were going to sell arms to Iran
to make them friendlier and get a few
hostages released?
"Don't be ridiculous. That would
have been a sign of weakness. He would
have looked like a bigger wimp than
Jimmy Carter."
But that's what he did.
"Ah, but he did it secretly. If you do
it secretly, it means you are subtle and
f M 1
lute morality are bad.
Well, Beauty's down the toilet, and
so is Goodness. Truth, the third virtue
needs to be unceremoniously dumped
in the sewer with the rest of the primi
tive garbage. Winston Smith, that pa
thethic soul, just sat (or lay) there
Affirming absolute truth. Tsk, Tsk. If he
only knew that the position "There is
no absolute truth" is true, he would
have saved himself a lot of suffering at
the hands of Big Brother.
When I was in the first grade, my
teacher asked me what two plus two
equaled. I said, and honestly believed,
that it equaled three. "No, Jim" she
said," 2 plus 2 equals 4." I said, "How
do you know, are you god?" Nonethe
less I was forced to recant my opinion:
This wicked censorship of opinion con
tinues to this day. Government schools
still force students to assert that 2 plus
2 equals 4 and prohibit the expression
of the perfectly valid opinion that 2
plus 2 equals 3. That's censorship plain
and simple. I hope that after the ACLU
releases the artistic energies of porno
graphers from obscenity statutes, they'll
turn their own energies to this far more
pernicious instance of censorship. After
all the ACLU is full of SMARTs. Let the
cry ring out! Free the teacher to teach 2
plus 2 equals 3.
SMARTs assert no absolutes; we
know all is relative and a matter of
personal opinion.
SMARTs are Beautiful because we
know there is no absolute beauty.
SMARTs are Good because we know
there is no absolute good.
SMARTs know Truth because we
know there is no truth.
Ah, with such wonderful consistency
it's no wonder that we SMARTs are the
only ones that are truly smart.
Rogers is an economics graduate and a
law student and a Daily Nebraskan edi
torial page editor.
sophisticated, not wimpish."
Of course. But now he's in trouble for
lying.
"He didn't lie. He just didn't tell us
what he was up to.
I suppose so. But by failing to tell
Congress and the American people
what was going on, he can also be in
trouble.
"Not if he didn't know what was
going on. Remember, those subordin
ates of his may have been doing all
sorts of things that he didn't know
about, so how can he be held respon
sible?" That's true. But he could also be in
trouble for not knowing what his own
subordinates were doing in his name,
couldn't he?
"Not if people realize what the facts
are."
Well, what are the facts?
"That nobody would have known
what he was doing even if he didn't
know what he was doing himself if the
press had just kept quiet about what he
may or may not have been doing, or
what somebody else may or may not
have been doing without his knowing
what they were doing."
But if he really didn't know what was
going on, didn't the press do him a
favor by letting him know what his
subordinates were doing?
"Of course not. If what they did was
what he wanted done, even if he didn't
know he wanted it or that it was being
done, then why bother letting him
know?"
You make it all so clear. So the
entire scandal is the fault of the press.
"Exactly!"
Then I have one questioa
Can I get a piece of that secret Swiss
bank account?
1986 By The Chicago Tribune
Distributed By Tribune
Media Services, Inc.
Eoyko is a Pulitzer prize-winning column
ist for the Chicago Tribune.