Page 18
Supplement to the Daily Nebraskan
Monday, December 1, 1986
C
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Christmas form letter saves time;
glosses over hard realities
U Mr, t
deadline
Dec. 10
Every Christmas I get one of those
typed mimeographed form letters
from my Aunt Bertha who thinks
she can save loads of time by simply
putting down all the fascinating family
events of the past year and stuffing it in
Stew Magnuson
with her cheesy Christmas cards. Of
course, these letters only talk about
the good things that happen in her
family, they don't mention my cousin
Ernie doing five-to-ten in the slammer
for bad breath.
Traditionally, Aunt Bertha sends out
her form letters as soon as ShopCo
starts running their Christmas ads on
TV. In other words, I got her letter early
in October. Since Aunt Bertha is my
mother's sister, I have the inside scoop
on what really happened in her family.
(Reality is in bold print.)
Dear (insert name of friends or
family here),
Merry Christmas and happy holidays
from me and mine to you and yours.
Good tidings to all, joyous Noel and
Happy New Year. I hope this letter
finds you all in good health.
Aunt Bert ha is wasting space.
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Well, as you all may have heard, I
went through my third hysterectomy
last month, but I've weathered the
storm. My youngest, Todd, now age six
and starting pre school, had a terrible
bout with the whooping cough last
winter. That Todd is always getting
himself into a jam, so far t his year he's
broken his right arm twice, his left leg
once and had his right ear lobe bitten
off by his pet mouse Herbert ....
Aunt Bertha now goes into a
long tedious account of every
illness and malady in her ex
tended family.
Incidentally, Todd's pet mouse
is really a rat, and the rat's
name is really Adolph. He's been
kicked out of preschool twice
for mobilizing his fellow children
and launching Blitzkriegs on his
pre-school teachers.
Ernie, my oldest boy, is due to get
out of school this September.
Sure, the school of license
plate making.
Fred (her husband) has an interest
ing job in advertising.
Fred puts up billboards.
By the way, Fred's cousin Tom will be
taking some time away from his assign
ment in Shanghai to spend the holidays
with us this year.
Lives in Cleveland.
Well, hope this reaches you in time.
As usual this time of year, everything is
in such a flurry at our house.
Bertha
Boughs of folly .
HARRAH from Page 16
I am one who only steps foot in a
church on Christmas Eve, mostly
because my parents force me to. So I
sit in the pews and gaze at all the
we're oblivious to the ludicrous
nature of good old Yule. So why do
we behave in such an odd, hedonis
tic, flamboyant manner? Because
it's all a hell of a lot of fun. Christ
mas is supposedly a holiday set
people in their lovely new Christ- aside to recognize the birthday of a
mas clotnes as I noid tnose
"Christmas candles" that drip wax
all over the the place and listen to
babies crying as their mothers ineptly
try to shut them up. Those babies
have the right idea. You'd cry too if
you had to sit still in some dinky
velvet infant gown and smile at all
the old ladies who come up to you
and say, "So, have you been a good
child this year? Will Santa be good
to you tonight?"
Boughs of folly?
During the Christmas season, we
deck the world and our pragmatic
souls with boughs of folly, because
Christian icon, but we make it much
more.
After reading the proceeding
gripes, you probably think I don't
like Christmas. Wrong. It's my favor
ite time of the year. Any season that
promotes so much self-indulgence,
pleasure-seeking and greed is okay
with me.
And you thought Christmas was
all about giving and spreading good
will towards men, right? Well, not
quite.
The true meaning of Christmas
will only surface in our society when
someone decides that it can be put
on layaway or charged to Visa.
J
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