Thursday, September 25, 1986
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There are three more shopping days until
Christmas.
You thought you had all the time in the .
world! You were wrong." ', "'y '--
This is the last Christmas pun I'll use in
this article about the rock band. Christmas,
appearing at Tooth's Gallery Saturday night
at 8:30 p.m. Really. I promise.
"We're not goo-goo-ga-ga and we're not
childish,' insists bass player Dan. Salzmann,
the man with the strange period after his first
name. Watching Christmas is like watching a
family at Christmas time after the parents
gave in and bought their three hyperkinetic
kids guitars, amplifiers and a trap set.
"On the other hand, we're not gothic death
rockers."
No, they're not.
Drummer Liz Cox, Wally Cox's daughter
(Wally Cox was the top left-hand square on
Hollywood Squares), looks like she just arrived
from the prom dance. And there's a hint of
Stephen King's "Carrie" in her drumming.
She's sort of a demented Cyndi Lauper. Pee
Wee Herman is her life.
"I love Pee Wee to death," she said. That
statement, managing to incorporate Pee Wee
Herman the defender of innocent '50s
childhood and death, pretty much defines
Christmas.
"Christmas is a real happy time and at the
same time it's real sinister," Salzmann elab
orated. "It's like those horror movies where the
little children sing. By itself, the little kids
singing is real happy, but in the context it's
sinister."
"During Christmas, you're afraid of disap
pointing people and afraid of being disap
, pointed. It's mad in all the stores . . . ."
Christmas' debut LP, "In Excelsior Day
glo" (psychedelia for classics students), on
Big Time Records, is a potpourri of mutilated
pop forms strung together on a knotty string
of stop-start rhythms and hooky choruses that
peter out before you have time to start sing
ing along. It's like singing Christmas carols
while your buggy old grandmother with the
wobbles tries to bang the piano. One minute
it's "Silent Night," the next it's "Jingle Bells"
at a break-neck speed.
Depending on which press release you
read, Michael Cudahy, the trio's bratty guita
rist, is either a 17-year-old master's candidate
in anthropology at a prestigious university
who's dumped that enterprise for his music,
or a complete unknown out of nowhere.
Depending on which press release you
read, Cox is either pre-pubescent (doubtful)
or still struggling through that "awkward
stage" (still a bit unlikely).
All the press releases show Salzman as the
old man of the group. He says he's 28 (likely).
What would Christmas like for Christmas?
The best toy Salzmann ever saw was a
47-foot-high boa constrictor with a laser con
trol panel. He said he didn't have time to read
the owner's manual, but it looked like the toy
was capable of a great deal.
This leads Salzmann into a reverie about
his childhood Christmases. The Salzmanns
would drink mulled cider (Salzmann would
not explain the term "mulling"), Mom would
make up a "gigantic pot of Arabic squib
beaks" and Dad would read the kids "The
Night Before Christmas." Ah, home.
Sacrilege is a big concern for Christmas.
"When people called us X-mas," Cox said,
"everyone thought we were a hardcore band."
"If you call us X-mas, you might as well
draw a circle around the A as well and we'll
put bones in our noses," Salzmann interjected.
"Not that we're not open to all kinds of
witchcraft and druid ritual. We had an incan
tation in Cleveland when the radiator blew
up. A big Viking ship came out of the sky and
took up to Ann Arbor," Salzmann said, by way
of welcoming Lincoln's death rockers to come
on out for the show.
Christmas has been interviewed on MTV
and their album and single, "Big Plans," are
two of the top-selling independent releases in
America. Salzmann says it would be nice to
see a glimmer of a retirement plan, but he
won't put salami down his pants to achieve it.
Salzmann lives in the "Industrial Chinese"
area of Boston where MTV and milk are not
available.
"You can get soy milk, but it's no good on
cereal," he said.
For the holidays, then, a little fame for
Christmas. God Bless us, everyone.
Christmas will cost you $3 this year.
Page 7
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