Expressions
Pagod
Mashion a fad
from day one
The history of humanity and the history of fashion
are closely intertwined; one might say the two are
hand in glove. From the dawn of civilization, fashion
has been an integral part of people's lives and a
c0 170-
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Thursday, April 5, 1934
Christopher
Burbach
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It all began when the first cavewoman put on the
first plaid skirt and wore it to her Thursday night
cave drawing class. "Ugh!" uttered her fellow semi
simians, and language was invented.
Much later, the Romans terrified the world and
conquered thousands, mainly on the psychological
advantage of their metal jockstraps. However, the
once-mighty warriors got soft by taking a lot of
baths and having sex with anyone who would get in
the water with them. The magic metal jockstraps
rusted in the baths, so the Romans exchanged them
for softwear. This fad culminated when that one guy
Caesar had a heart attack when he saw his dog was
wearing a pair of the new briefs. "Et tu, Brutus?" he
cried, and the Empire fell down around the Romans'
ankles.
Even Jesus was concerned with fashion. "Clothe
the naked," he told a bunch of Hebrews. "Just think
about those flowers. They've never worked a day in
their lives, but they're better dressed than that old
dead King Solomon," or something like that. The
Hebrews didn't care much about that, but some
crazy American rich kids rode around in vans,
smoked the weeds of the field and called themselves
flower children. They were pretty holy fashion buffs.
Then there were the Dark Ages. We historians
aren't quite sure if they called them that because
everybody dressed in mourning because the Baboo
nic Plague got their loved ones or because all the
cool landowners had sunglasses.
Well, a long time kinda went by, I guess, before
fashion hit the world stage again. In fact, it took
clear until the American Revolution, which started
when those nutty Founding Fathers decided to
throw off the Whigs. "No fashion without represen
tation!" they cried.
Then this one guy Patrick Henry said, "Give me
fashion or give me death," and George Washington
got wooden teeth.
This one American president, Fashion Delano
Roosevelt, told his people they had nothing to fear
but leisure suits. Boy, was he ever right.
The last thing that happened before the earth was
blowed up was this crazy arms race fad. The Ameri
cans and the Soviets had a big contest to see how
many arms, legs and other limbs of the world they
could put in body bags. Nobody knows who won.
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