April 4, 1C24
Daily Nebraskan
Pago 5
Mondale
I il
arc
A strange thing happened during the just com
pleted New York primary. Somehow, Walter Mon
dale and Gary Hart, two WASPs from the great
Midwest became New York Jews.
It was a sudden metamorphosis. There was
Mondale, claiming that the Camp David peace
accords was his idea all along. And there was
Gary Hart, claiming that ever since he was a little
boy he supported relocating the capital of Israel
to Jerusalem.
ewish for a clay
Mike
. -i.JU
This metamorphosis has intrigued one famous
' writer. The following is the rough draft of Meta
morpkesis '84, by the same man responsible for
The Trial and The Preppy 's Handbook to Cats.
' Metamorphosis '84
By Franz Kafka
One morning, Gregory looked out his window
at the bright New York sun. "A fine day," he said to
himself, "a fine day for campaigning." He stretched
and walked toward the mirror. He looked in the
mirror and to his surprise, he was Jewish.
"Look at me. IVe got on ayarraulke. I care about
Israel's destiny. Hike Mayor Koch."
Gregary looked again into the mirror. "Nope "
he said, "It's not enough." So he went back to
sleep.
When he awoke, he looked out of his window at
the bright afternoon New York sun. "A fine day,"
he said to himself, "a fine day for campaigning."
He looked in the mirror.
"Wow, I'm getting more Jewish by the second! I
don't favor recognition of the Palestine Libera
tion Organization. I've always supported moving
the captal from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. I'd like to
see a sandwich named after Yitzhak Shamir."
Gregary looked again into the mirror, "Nope,"
he said, "it's still not enough." He went back to
sleep.
When he awoke, Gregary looked out of his win
dow at the bright New York moon, It was eve.
'. Election eve. "A fine evening," he said, "a fine even
ing to" win an election." He looked in the mirror.
"At last," he exclaimed, "I'm Jewish enough! I
have total empathy with the Jewish people! I
support the historical struggle of the Jew! I And I
know Yiddish words like oy and goyem. Quick get
me to a bagel joint!"
Gregary ran out into the streets. As he ran, he
saw a television in a store window. On the screen
was Dan Rather.
"And with 1 percent of the vote tallied, CBS has
projected Walter Mondale the victor of the New
York primary by a margin at 42 to 15 percent.
Exit polling reveals that voters favored Mondale
over his nearest competitor because he, Mondale,
seemed 'more Jewish.' "
Gregary was stunned. "More Jewish," he mumbl
ed as he stumbled in the street. "I couldn't have
been more Jewish if I tried. What's the matter
with these voters? Couldn't they tell I was sin
cere? I wasn't just playing Jewish I was Jew
ish!" A man, overhearing Gregary's diatribe, patted
him on the shoulder. "Don't be bitter," the man
said. "There are still the Midwestern caucuses
and primaries."
Gregary pondered the man's wisdom as he
stumbled toward the airport.
The next morning, Gregary looked out of his
window at the bright Nebraska sun. "A fine day,"
he said, "a fine day for campaigning." He stretched
and walked toward the mirror. He looked in the
mirror and to his surprise, he was a farmer.
"Look at me," he exclaimed. "I've got overalls, a
rural twang and I'm as mad as beans about the
government trying to cut farm supports."
Gregary picked an ear of corn which was grow
ing beside his bed. "A fine day for campaigning
indeed."
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The Daily Nebraskan (USPS 144-080) is published by the
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Letters
It's time
for
independent
thinking
Think University
of Nebraska-Lincoln
independent study.
Over 75 courses to choose from
when class sections are filled, work
and class schedules conflict, or courses
aren't there when you need them.
Look into independent study. Visit
the UNL Division of Continuing Studies
Independent Study Department, 269
Nebraska Center for Continuing Ed
ucation, 33rd and Holdrege. Take
the shuttle bus from city campus. Or
call 472-1926.
500&fils
Campus 1-'
UNL does not discriminate in its academic, ad
missions or employment programs, and abides by all
federal regulations pertaining to same.
'Appropriate1
design offered
i I seems a shame that
the Nebraska Legislature
couldn't find something
better than nothing to
put on its state's license
plates.
I realize it is not an
easy task to find an ap
propriate slogan or a color
ful design worthy of grac
ing our highways. I was in
a quandary trying to de
cide on a worthy design,
then the answer came to
me from a most unlikely
source the television.
Years ago, Nebraska
proudly labeled itself the
Beef State. The state still
has plenty of cattle, but
somehow, the phrase "The
Beef State" isn't quite
right now.
With the current Wen
dy's commercial craze
comes the answer. I pro
pose that the Legislature
promptly move to elimi
nate the present unsight
ly plates from our high
ways and replace them
with plates imprinted with
a phrase more colorful,
appropriate and in tune
with the times. The slo
gan should read: "Neb
raska: The Where's the
Beef?' state."
Tom Shelton
senior
economics
S L - S UJ '
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GWZm, HOODED. LCNS
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REGULAR $II50-$IH.00
SM.1LL SIZES ONLY, Zl "UMIST
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GYM. tZfdPi STYLE, A
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Prices good
thru
April
14,
" 1934
IL.-3V 3 I A' I
iC J.
14 ;
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Store Hours:
M on-Sat
10-5:30
Thurs.
10-9
