Pep 4
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Tuesday, January 17, 1CC4
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Hard times are gonna get harder.
The chancellors of NU's three cam
puses proposed $515,793 in cuts Sat
urday. The cuts are subject to the
approval of the NU Board of Regents in
March, the Sunday Journal and Star
reported.
The cuts mean reductions in staff,
probably will cause larger classes and
may mean some students will have to
postpone taking some courses.
The chancellors have the power to
make an additional $2.4 million in
later reallocations, the paper report
ed. More staff could be cut and when
staff members leave their positions,
many will remain empty.
The cuts hurt, but are necessary. NU
administrators have little choice now.
The money isnt there to fall back on.
Next year, there are choices, and
there might be more money.
Gov. Bob Kerrey's second budget
includes a 7. 1 percent increase in funds
for the university. That includes an
assumed 8 percent salary hike and a
variety of improvements on buildings
and programs.
However, NU plans to raise tuition
10 percent again to help defrpy rising
costs.
Kerrey's plan basically leaves NU in a
static position. A 7.1 percent increase
allows for inflation, some improve
ments and little else. The allotment for
health insurance expenses also will
increase for NU, but many employees
will be losing their jobs. When profes
sors quit, the classes they taught will
probably be combined with others.
Students will be paying more for less.
If even half of Kerrey's proposed 2
percent state income tax cut is used
to beef up NU and public schools, per
haps education could make some
improvements. Instead of barely keep
ing our heads above water, we could
swim ahead a little bit.
The budget has not passed. If the
Legislature hears a lot of angry student
voices, perhaps we would see some
money for improvements like retain
ing all staff.
The money taxpayers spend on us is
not wasted. We will work, spend, teach
and pay taxes ourselves in this state.
Education is a continuing investment
and because the economy is improv
ing, we should spend more on it
The Sunday Journal and SZar report
ed that new Regents Chairman Ed
Schwartzkopf said he wanted to make
NU faculty salaries competitive. "Peo
ple are becoming more and more aware
that 'psychic income' isnt enough," he
said.
Students are becoming more and
more aware that a similarly intangible
education isnt enough, either. And we
wonder how long students will be wil
ling to pay more for it.
C!;ri3 7c!cch
Meese takes tJie meat
from free publications
"Want to buy a turkey?" muttered my friend Har
mon Flenser, looking agitated. "Or how about a nice
fat pig? Oh, that Ed Meese has cost me a bundle!"
"I sent in for this free government pamphlet, Facts
About Turkey Ham. I got a way with animals, see,
and I figured I'd make a killing as a turkey ham
producer as soon as I read how to do it. Then Meese
went and knocked off 1800 publications to save, he
says, $85 million."
"Gosh, that could buy a dozen gearshift knobs for
our M-l tanks," I said.
Arthur
. Hoppe
"At this very moment," said Harmon, eyeing me
dourly, "you could be infested with firebrats or com
ing down with Wagner's granulomatosis."
"What are they?" I asked nervously.
"Well never know. Besides, what's my Hector
going to do without School Drug Abuse Policy
Guidelines?"
"Your son's into drug abuse?"
"I caught him lighting a roach at the wrong end. I
was hoping he could join the Wild Weasels. But
Meese spiked The Wild Weasel Newsletter. "
"As for little Evangeline," he said, "she's sure sore
that we're not going to get How to Buy a Christmas
Tree. We planned on buying one for Valentine's Day."
"You don't buy Christmas trees for Valentine's
Day." t
"How would we know? Meanwhile, the Missus is
up in arms that Meese canceled The Common Liver
Fluke in Sheep. "If I can't point to a lamb chop and
holler, 'Hey that's a flukeP she says, then we're
switching to chicken and beef.' "
"Why not?" I said.
"Ill tell you why not," Harmon said. "Meese is also
gone and knocked off Controlling Chicken Lice and
Bovine Mastitis: What to Do."
That's the question," I agreed. "What to do?"
The first thing to do is not; get bovine mastitis,"
said Harmon firmly, "no matter what it is. And the
next thing is to throw out the kitchen range. If the
government wont tell us how to clean a kitchen
range, I don't want it around the house."
I frowned. "Surely, Harmon, you didnt want all of
the 1800 pamphlets?"
"You're right. I'm glad Helping Ginseng Survive is
gone. That's one less cause to give to. .A Tour of Trees
at Fort Leavenworth may be the Missus' idea of a
vacation, but 111 take Vegas. And as for Living with
Radiation, who needs it?"
"I also don't need Simple Plumbing Repairs. I
thought I did when I sent in for it a week ago. But
meantime I found an old government pamphlet that
solved the problem. It's called Raising Carp in Your
Basement for Fun and Profit. "
"I guess some of these government pamphlets can
be useful," I said. "I see that Mr. Meese handed out a
new one at his press conference entitled Eliminat
ing Fraud, Waste and Abuse in the Federal Gover
nment: A Progress Report to the President. Maybe
you can get a copy."
"All things considered," said Harmon, "I'd rather
have Facts About Turkey Ham. "
1134, Chrenlc'9 PubHshtag Co.
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Sunday's Democratic Presidential Candidate
"Debate" in New Hampshire could be a trendsetter in
American politics. Hosted by veteran television per
sonalities Ted Koppel and Phil Donahue, the debate
was something of a free-for-all. Candidates were
under no time constraints or equal time protection.
And they were allowed to use whatever language
they wanted to appeal to the electorate. For exam
ple, Walter Mondale used the word "baloney,"
attempting, to cash in on the large Oscar Mayer
contingency in New Hampshire.
While the format of the debate was interesting,
the most significant factor was the inclusion of
Koppel and Donahue. Each man's segment eerily
Mike
Froot
resembled their respective television shows. Koppel
asked direct, probing questions of the candidates,
and Donahue hopped around the audience, thrust
ing his microphone toward the face of anyone who
cared to comment.
The blending of politics and television talk shows
is an interesting phenomenon and one that will
undoubtedly become commonplace during this oth
erwise lackluster election year. The possibilities are
endless.
The Democratic Candidates on Entertainment
Tonight:
Ron Hendron: A new supergroup getting a lot of
attention in the media lately is the Democratic Pre
sidential Candidates. Robin Leech has the story.
Leech: A new supergroup getting a lot of attention
in the media lately is the Democratic Presidential
Candidates. Walt, John, Jesse and the entire troupe
have been grabbing the attention of people every
where. I asked group leader Walter Mondale whatlt
was like to be really rich and famous.
Mondale: Excuse me?
Leech: Rich and famous. I bet you know a lot of
superstars.
Mondale: Well, Jimmy Buffett did do a benefit for
me once.
Leech: Jimmy Buffett? He's not very famous. What
about Barbra Streisand or Warren Beatty? Do you
know them?
Mondale: Well no. I did see both Funny Girl and
Reds, though.
Leech: Well, so did I. So has everybody. Come on,
you must know somebody really famous.
Mondale: Well when I worked for Jimmy Carter, I
met Willie Nelson.
Leech: Well, he's pretty famous. Thanks for your
time, Walt.
Mondale: Wait, don't you want to ask something
about nuclear disarmament or something?
Leech: Maybe next time. For now, Robin Leech,
Entertainment Tonight. ,
Ron Hendron: Coming up next, a frank talk with
PiaZadora.
The Democratic Candidates on Hour Magazine.
Gary Collins: Today we have a very interesting
group of men appearing on Hour Magazine, the
eight Democratic Presidential Candidates. Theyll be
discussing some of the burning questions facing
Americans. Well start with you, Gary Hart. Have you
ever burned lasagne?
Hart: I wish I had a nickel for every time I burned
lasagne. What am I saying? I wish the federal
government had a nickel for every time I burned
lasagne.
Collins: How can you avoid it?
Hart: Well, I found the most effective method is to
allow the cheese on top to just start turning to a
golden colorthen turn off the heat. The heat that
has stored up ir. the oven is adequate to cook the
lasagne, and I don't have to worry about burning it.
Collins: And, of course, it conserves energy.
Hart: Yes, an important part of my overall policy.
You see, in order for America to remain strong,
we . . .
Collins: We have to break away for a commercial,
but well be back with tips from Reuben Askew on
how to get invited to parties.
The Democratic Candidates On Late Night With
David Letterman:
Letterman: A fine bunch of humans assembled
here tonight. Make welcome if you will, the Demo
cratic Presidential Candidates.
APPLAUSE.
Continued cn Fugs 5
