11
Monday, January 31, 1933
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By Tat Clark
Last week: Television
viewing mogul Robert Niel
sen, held captive by the
Video Nostra, a TV terror
ist organization, has come
to sympathize with the
goals of his captors, as ill
defined as those goals mav
be.
It is Sunday morning
several days since the "Gim
me A Break" episode, and
at the sleazy hideaway of
the Video Nostra, it is
only seven hours before the
kickoff for the Super Bowl
Bowl - time to start watch
ing the first of super Super
Bowl pre-game shows.
"You must have incredi
ble stamina," said Spinoff,
the scruffy revolutionary to
whom Nielsen had grown
moderately attached in a
very short time. "Nobody
in this organization has been
able to stay awake through
the pre-game shows to see
the actual Super Bowl."
Nielsen swallowed a mor
sel of dressing from his
Swanson Hungry Man tur
key dinner. His favorite was
still Salisbury steak, but
turkey was holiday fare, and
Super Bowl Sunday was a
holiday if ever there was
one.
"I've seen it every year,
Nielsen said, letting a cer
tain measure of pride slip
through the words. He won
dered why Spinoff was so
taken by the Super Bowl.
The others in the organiza
tion, including Antenna, the
brains of the group, didn't
seem the least bii interested.
Nielsen looked at the
television. Live from a bar
in Miami, some off-duty
cops and equally off-duty
drug dealers were predict
ing a Dolphin victory.
Nielsen had not asked
anything about his benign
captors, but was feeling
pretty expansive with the
combination of the
pre-game show, the TV din
ner, and the attention, bor
dering on dotage, of Spin
off. So, throwing caution
to the proverbial wind, he
said, "How do you think
television ought to change?"
Spinoff hesitated for a
second. "Well," she said
finally, "like Antenna says,
television hasn't changed
much with the times - same
sitcoms, same cop shows,
new names on old plots."
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"I know what Antenna
thinks " Nielsen said. "What
do you think?" lie felt
proud of himself for such
a piobing questions; he de
cided that Joe Rossi on
the old "Lou Grant" ser
ies would have handled it
it the same way. He took
another heaping bite of tur
key and looked at the
television. The respective
mayors of Miami and Wash
ington were making a bet
on the Super Bowl; 50
Miami riot police against
50 Washington riot police,
winner takes all.
"Let's just say I agree
with Antenna," Spinoff fal
tered. She smiled apologeti
cally. "Let's just say that
without you, television is in
grave danger."
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"Without Nielsen, tele
vision is in grave danger,"
said the grey-suited network
executive seated in the Niel
sen family's living room.
Two other gray-suited net
work executives nodded
their assent. "When did you
first notice that he was
missing, Mrs. Nielsen?"
Amanda Nielsen, the
First Lady of Television
Viewing, gathered her wits.
"I noticed that the TV
dinners weren't getting eat
en," she said, "but since
this is Super Bowl weekend
I thought he might just
be going with beer and
chips. He's done that be
fore." She looked at the
television for a bit. Flip
per was predicting a Dol
phin victory. "But when I
came down here last night
and nobody was watching
the Bob Hope Super Bowl
special, I knew he was
gone."
One of the gray-suited
execs said, "We'll do what
we can to get him back,
Mrs. Nielsen. We know
what he must mean to you.
Besides, with the kind of
money advertisers are
spending on the last epi
sode of "MASH," we
need Nielsen to tell them
how good it was, so they'll
spend it again."
"Sorry to have to put
you through this," one of
the other executives said.
"But you should know as
well as anyone that tele
vision is a violent business."
"Sorry to have to put
you through this," Spinoff
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said to the listless Nielsen,
whose face was lying in an
empty Swanson Hungry
Man TV dinner tray. "But
you should know as well
as anyone that television is
a violent business."
She went to the tele
vision to shut it off, but
stopped to watch it for
a minute. Richard Nixon
was predicting a Redskins
victory, and showing a na
tional television audience a
play he had diagramed and
sent to Redskins Coach
Joe Gibbs.
Spinoff looked at her
watch. Six hours to kick
off. With any luck at all,
she -could get Nielsen to
the hospital and still get to
a set in time to watch the
game.
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Remaintnq tickets for Praoue
Chamber Orchestra and
Twyla Tharp on sale to UNI
Students beginning Jan 31
On sale to others beginning
Feb 7
Prague
Chamber Orchestra
Sunday, Feb. 13 at Epm
Twyla Tharp
Dance Foundation
Tues & Wed, Feb 15 & 16 at Epm
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UNL Opera Theatre
h'UCCini S rrr
Gianni Schlcchl a rollicking farce
II Tabarro melodrama brooding with passion & murder
Suor Angelica tragedy set in quiet confines of a convent
Three Short Operas Sung in English
February 3, 5 & 6
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WW U
presents
yps (the Triptych)
li rittico
(the Triptych)
Box Office (11-5)
11? mus.c Bidg. nth & r
4723375
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