page 4
daily nebraskan
tuesday, february 3, 1981
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Reagan slashes show his best to aid elite, wealthy
It looks like President Ronald
Reagan is carrying through with his
campaign promise to get the govern
ment off the backs of the American
people.
At least that is probably the view
of conservative forces in response to
the new president's proposals to cut
federal programs, including student
loans and educational grants.
A more accurate assessment, how
ever, is that Reagan is doing his best
to aid the elite and the wealthy. How
else can he justify the proposed
slashes in federal aid to education,
while at the same time favoring tax
A bedtime tale:
Sir Ronald cuts
the big Budget
All right, kiddies. Climb up on Daddy's
lap, keep your fingers out of Daddy's
martini and Daddy will tell you one more
bedtime story about Sir Ronald of Holy
rood. How about Sir Ronald's very first
battle? Ooo, it's scary! Try not to squeal in
Daddy's ear.
Well, it was a long, long, long time ago.
It was so long ago, in fact, that Sir Ronald
was still in the prime of late middle age.
Accompanied by his faithful squire,
Sancho Nofziger, Sir Ronald had ventured
into The Tangled Thicket in order to save
his beloved people of The Golden State of
the West.
The two companions rounded a bend in
the path and there before them in the
murky gloom squatted the most horrend
ous beast you can possibly imagine.
It had 206 heads, each more ugly than
the rest.
"Hola, Sancho," said Sir Ronald frown
ing, "what strange manner of creature is
this?"
"Flee, Sire, flee!" cried Sancho, turning
pale. "It is a Budget!"
"And what, pray tell," asked Sir
Ronald, "is a Budget?"
"It is an evil nemesis that fattens itself
on the blood of your beloved people," said
Sancho, "and then topples over and
squashes them."
"A worthy foe," said Sir Ronald re
solutely. But as he drew his famed Swing
ing Sword, an odd thing happened. The air
was filled with piteous moans and groans.
"What's this, varlet?" demanded Sir
Ronald. "I thought you said my beloved
people loathed the Budget."
"Oh, all loathe the Budget, Sire," said
Sancho. "But each loves some small part of
it and begs that part be spared."
"Cut, squeeze, trim and no quarter,"
said Sir Ronald. And shouting his battle
cry - "For Decency, for Purity and for
Just Plain Goodness!" - he attacked the
Budget, chopping and lopping, hacking and
whacking.
But this being a fairy tale, a wondrous
thing happened: The more Sir Ronald
chopped and whacked, the bigger the
Budget grew - until after eight years of
battle, it was the biggest Budget the
Golden State had ever seen.
But the people applauded his energy. So
the story has a happy ending.
What's Sir Ronald doing now? Well,
kiddies, you may not believe this, but he
captured The Holy White House from the
dread Jiminy GerbU and he's vowed to
attack the Great Granddaddy of All Bud
gets, the biggest Budget in the whole wide
world.
Don't cry. kiddies. Sir Ronald will be all
right. Let's worry about Daddy. Pour
Daddy another martini and get to bed.
(c) Chronic Publishing Co. 1981
credits for those parents who send
their children to private institutions?
After all, as a whole, those memb
ers of the American population
whose pocketbooks are being
pinched tightest by today's dismal
economy do not send their students
to private institutions.
The administration is proposing
the cutbacks in aid to education pro
grams because of rapidly increasing
costs for subsidizing the low-interest
Guaranteed Student Loans. Not only
have the costs increased astronomi
cally, but so has the demand.
These factors, according to edu
cation department officials, merit
throttling the federal education pro
grams so only the most needy receive
financial aid. What these officials are
ignoring is the fact that although any
student has been able to receive low
interest loans since 1978, the in
crease in demand more than likely
reflects growth in the number of
people who need help to put their
children through college.
If anything it is time for reassess
ing the method of determining just
who "needs" financial assistance for
education instead of advocating
wholesak cuts.
Reagan's proposed cutbacks will
harm, and possibly prevent, many
young people from making an invest
ment in their futures by borrowing
money to further their education.
This will result in society denying
those without ample financial re
sources the opportunity to expand
their minds; refusing the less fortun
ate the chance to improve their lives
through hard work and brainpower.
Returning this country's edu
cational system to the days when
only the wealthy and elite could
send their children to college surely
will not make America great again.
Cows will be bullish on America
The scene: A small, dirt-poor village
in an emerging nation in Africa. The
village is astir because a helicopter has
just landed, and a representative from
the U.S. State Department has come to
inspect the work of one Carol McAfee,
a Peace Corps volunteer assigned to the
area.
"This is quite a surprise," said Carol
to the representative. She wiped her
hand on her leg and offered it in greeting.
clar
"No surprise, just a routine inspec
tion. We at the State Department want
to make sure you are complying with
the new directives."
"New directives?" asked Carol, a bit
perplexed. "I'm afraid I don't know
about any new directives. News gets
here rather slowly."
"Not quite. You and the Peace Corps
can go on doing whatever you have been
doing around here, on one condition."
"Name it," said Carol.
"Before the United States offers
assistance, the new plan stipulates that
we must receive assurance that the
ideals and interests of the United States
are being upheld in this area."
"Which in English means . . ."
"The locals don't get a dime of
American foreign aid unless they're on
our side politically. It's Alexander
Haig's idea."
"Figures," said Carol. "I'd stay and
tell you how dumb that idea is, but I've
got to get busy. I've got cows to vaccin
ate today."
"Quite understandable that you
haven't heard," said the representative.
"It's brand new. Part of the new admini
stration's budget-slashing program."
"Budget-slashing program?" said
Carol. "Did you come here to tell me
"You can't vaccinate those cattle,"
said the representative.
"Those cows haven't been cleared for
foreign aid yet."
'if I don't give them the shots today,
the only thing they're going to be clear
ed for is anthrax," said Carol.
"The United States will not contri
bute to the well-being of a cow that
might have Communist leanings."
"Listen pal," said Carol. "I don't
care if these animals put the cow in
Moscow, I'm giving them some shots."
"I'm going to have to report this
action."
"You probably should. While you're
at it, also report that I'm going to help
with the planting today."
"You better hope you're not plant
ing any grain from the Food for Peace
program."
"Why?"
The Food for Peace program falls
under the new plan."
"You're kidding!" said Carol.
"You'd let these folks starve for a vote
in the United Nations?"
I've been budget-slashed out of a job?" me.
"Don't over-dramatize," said the
representative calmly. "It's just a simple
"Sure I can," said Carol. "Just watch loyalty oath that each of the villagers
has to sign. I've got one in the helicopt
er." "Only four people in the village can
write," said Carol. "There isn't much
paperwork around here. Or much
food."
"I can assure you of a bumper crop
with America's blessing if you'll play
ball with us."
"Better fed than Red, eh?" said
Carol.
"Hey, that's not bad!" said the repre
sentative. "Might make a good motto."
Carol slapped her forehead with the
palm of her hand in disbelief. "Yes, it'll
make a great motto. But it'll also make
a lousy program. The people around
here don't care if the food comes from
America or Russia or Mars, as long as it
comes."
"You're wasting time with this
lecture," said the representative.
"What if I go ahead and do my work
without the loyalty oaths?"
"I caii have you standing in an un
employment office in Omaha in two
weeks."
Carol thought for a minute and final
ly gave in. "OK, you win. I'll vouch for
the whole village. Now if you don't
mind, I've got things to do."
"You made a wise decision." said the
representative, "and I just know that by
the time you are done with the vaccina
tions, every one of those cattle will be
more bullish on America than Merrill
Lynch."
Carol managed to hold off her
scream until the sound of the helicopter
blades drowned out her voice.
ZEFf
