page 2
perspectives
f riday , September 26, 1930
Writer to exhibit independence '
at ml
costs
By Patti Gallagher
Editor's note: The following article con
tains opinions of the author.
Four score and some odd years ago,
someone established this university, in this
city, conceived from behind rosy glasses,
and dedicated to the proposition that all
men (sic) deserve an education.
However, our founding fathers did not
predicted an inflation rate in double digits
nor the fact that not all parents foot the
collegiate bill.
I' has therfore become necessary to
complete the following document. A
committee will be appointed to study it.
THE CONSTITUTION
OF LOW-COST LIVING
We the people of UNL, in order to
form a more perfect university, establish
residency, insure entry into the college of
our choice, provide for the common
decadence, promote life free of fare, and
secure the blessings of the almighty NU
Board of Regents do ordain and establish
this Constitution of Low-Cost Living.
ARTICLE I. We do hereby give up eating.
In order to provide ourselves with addition
al income with which to pay our tuition,
Magazine editor: Diane Andersen. Editor in
chief: Randy Essex. Advertising manager: Art
Smalt. Creative advertising director: Lucy Kizer.
Photography chief: Mark Billingsley. Production
manager: Kitty Policky. Business manager: Anne
Shank. Art director: Dave Luebke.
Perspectives is a magazine of the Daily Ne
braskan, published monthly on Fridays. Unless
covered by another copyright, material printed
in Perspectives may be reprinted with permission
of the Daily Nebraskan.
buy our books and bribe our closed-mouthed
sources, we will forego all material
means of sustenance. Consider that the
Harvest Room special consumed today will
only be composted tomorrow, and the
sacrifice is worth the gain.
ARTICLE II. We do hereby give up parties
and all other fabricated means or mental
stimuli. Thus we put to rest our outlawed
pipes and crusted beer steins. And yet we
can continue to attend Biology 101 lect
ures and remain within the guidelines pre
scribed above. The financial savings from
abstinance of ale will be more than enough
to purchase a new Christopher Columbus
Discovers America film for the department
of life sciences.
ARTICLE III. We do hereby establish low
income housing. All residence halls, Greek
houses and co-operatives are to be con
demned as inflationary and roach-infested,
effective immediately. Undergraduates are
to report to the stadium to tan up resi
dence. All graduate students are formally
summoned to Regents Hall. Straight-backed
chairs and rubber rooms will be provid
ed. ARTICLE IV. We do hereby enclose a self
addressed, stamped envelope in all corre
spondence to the homeland. Accordingly,
we will sniff, shake and discard all univer
sity mail.
ARTICLE V. We do hereby eliminate all
university extra-curricular activity, hence
eliminating all student fees. Farewell to
committees, and committees of com
mittees. Goodbye, dear, precocious politi
cal activist groups. Bon voyage student
government. A parade and tea party will be
held next week in their honor. The event
will be financed by the collective pool of
Fund A refunds.
ARTICLE VI. We do hereby establish the
common lavitory.For means of eliminating
all expenditures on personal toiletries we
will create and utilize the common pot.
Mass quantities of Prell, Crest and Soft and
Pretty have been purchased for your use.
You will be billed on your tuition state
mentsno refunds allowed.
ARTICLE VII. We do hereby allot our
entire .lives savings into the common pot.
(Not to be confused with the contents of
Article VI.) The administrative ladle, in its
infinite generosity, will spoon out rations
biannually to suffice our needs.
If and when our administrators should
scrape the bottom of the pot, we will then
turn to the kind and just legislators of this
good state, with a song in our hearts (i.e.
"There is No Place Like Nebraska."), and a
smile on our lips.
(Ratification pending installation of a
permanent chancellor.)
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