friday, epril 25, 1980 fathom page 5
married to forego children. They have been married 15
yean.
Tuck, who is 38, said, "I never wanted a child as long
as I can remember. People have individual reasons for
having children, it has to be right for them.
Mrs. Tuck, who is 36, added, "Since we first met we
knew our passion was travel. You can't go off for three
weeks or months at a time if you want to b,e a good
mother." ,
Tuck said, "You can travel with a child, I've met
people in Europe doing it. But not the kind of traveling
we do. You can't be sitting in a hotel room in Paris and
decide you want to go out to eat." ,
Maybe some people shouldn't have
any so we can a verage out to zero
population growth
Mrs. Tuck added, "Or take off for Istanbul that night.
George's lifestyle means we can't have a regular family
life. This way I can be with him when he is taking pictures
at a ballgame or other places."
Although Tuck said he was raised more as an only child
because his brother is 17 years older, he has no trouble
getting along with children, including his many nieces and
nephews.
"Children gravitate to George," Mrs. Tuck said. "He
sees them as people, he listens and talks to them. We also
have an extreme sense of humor and imagination. They
enjoy it."
Tuck is an associate professor at UNL's journalism
school. He teaches and does free-lance photography. Mrs.
Tuck is working on a Ph.D. in German linguistics and is a
teaching assistant.
it
0
Ss
Photo by J. Natvig
By Kim Wilt
It terrifies some, emboldens others, makes some settle
down immediately, and causes others to believe they were
never cut out for the institution in the first place.
Marriage is the word and the deed, and the causes for it
are almost all the same, while the causes for its counter
part, divorce, vary widely.
Larry Doerr, United Ministries in Higher Education
minister, summed up the reason for marriage by saying,
"The fundamental reason is that people love each other,
that they're in love with each other."
More specifically-since many people are in love and do
not marry-he said that there is a point reached where the
couple believes they must make a decision.
"Generally speaking, they feel they know each other
and the relationship well enough, and want to firm up the
relationship. When you're living together . . . it's like you
still have got your bags packed, that's the understanding.
When they're married they say, 'It's time to unpack our
bags, we're willing to take the problems as well as the
good things."
The fundamental reason is that
people love each other, that they're
in love with each other
This does not preclude doubts, and questions.
"People, generally speaking, except the very young, are
not very clear in their minds about what they want.
There is nobody without questions," Doerr said.
Steve Bryant, a counselor with Lutheran Family and
Social Services agreed that .the younger the couple, the
less realistic their expectations are, but added that most
people, when , they come to the point of deciding to
many, have unrealistic expectations.
He said, however, that most-couples he does, pre
marital counseling with are marrying because the woman
is pregnant,
"They don't have a realistic viewpoint of what's wait
ing for them-job opportunities, (for example)-what they
can and can't do. Or, they think education is needed Jy
others and not them. The woman expects to fulfill the tra
ditional mother role."
Although he said he doesn't condone living together
before marriage, he added that couples who have done so
tend to have different, more realistic expectations about
what marriage will bring.
However, "You can find out an awful lot about that
person without going to that extent. Maybe you can see
this person in a more realistic light, but that person can
pack up and go, so it's not the same. You can t compare
the two," Bryant said.
Doerr agreed with Bryant, saying that couples who live
together "have no more marital success than if they
didn't."
The most important thing, he said, "is for people to
have as few illusions about themselves and the other per
son as possible. Most good marriages should begin with
disillusionment. By that I mean that they should know
what daily life is like (with that person.) Love is more a
matter of the will (than of emotions.)"
Couples who have lived together tend to
have different, more realistic expecta
tions about what marriage will bring
Diana Combs, a UNL junior majoring in Food and Nu
trition, said she and her husband, Kelly, married because
"we realized we needed to be together to be complete . . .
Something that you feel makes you want to be together,
like a man and wife."
She said her parents wanted them to finish school first,
but they thought they could do both. Although she is not
planning to work after college, she said she wanted a
degree to "have something to fall back on, in case any
thing ever happened to Kelly."
Combs said she had some expectations before she
married that are not being fulfilled.
"I had hoped to have all this time to stay home, and
cook and cater to Kelly, but I just can't do that. I work
35 hours a week and I'm in school full-time . . . We have
assumed more responsibility for each other."
She said she only minds having to work so much,
"when I quit thinking about the two of us and start think
ing about myself. I have it really good and I'm really bless
ed to be married to him."
Combs said she doesn't believe that love is enough for
a good marriage. The couple must be willing to make
sacrifices for each other, and put the other person first,
she said.
They should know what daily life is like
with that person. Love is more a
matter of the will than of emotions
'Marriage is the biggest decision you will ever make in
your life. This person, along with you, will effect any
other decision you make.,,
The decision to make the relationship between them
permanent came when they spent the summer apart, and
were "just miserable," Combs said.
There's a point you come to when you either live to
gether, go your separate ways or get married. We didn't
condone living together, we wanted to be together.
She said people considering marriage should evaluate
whether they are ready to make a drastic change in life
style. "It's when you're willing to give up your lifestyle for
that individual-that's when you're probably ready for
marriage."
For those not ready, or who didn't expect to change to
be so drastic, divorce waits, with lawyers, lawyers' fees
and courtrooms.
Lincoln attorney Bob Balls said divorcing couples who
come to him differ widely in their reasons for wanting
out. 1
"Some of them are incompatible. Others are too
young, and didn't realize it until later. Others have an in
ability to communicate," he said.
Most people are not willing to talk about why they
want a divorce, preferring to save that for a marriage
counselor, he said. Lancaster County requires that the
couple have attended marriage counseling-if they have
not, a Reconciliation, Court is available, with a counselor
who will talk to them about what went wrong.
Divorce: the only requirement is that
there is an irretriveable breakdown
in the marriage
'The court doesn't require, great detail," Balls said.
The only requirement is that there is an irretrievable
breakdown in the marriage, Ije said.
Doerr said most people who come to the point of
wanting a divorce do so because the relationship is not
what they had hoped it would or could be. Many couples
simply grow apart, or have a breakdown in communica
tions, he said.
"Also, there are cultural expectations-you're not sup
posed to be possessive, or jealous or limit the other per
son. These expectations are beyond the scope of human
possibility."
He said the "traditional" causes for divorce such as
money, sex or in-laws are not often mentioned by couples
he sees.
"Sex is always affected, but I don't hear people talking
about it as a cause. The same with money. And I hear less
about problems with families than I did 10 years ago.
Parents have learned about staying out of the way, and
kids have learned not to let them get in the way."
Bryant said sexual, financial or parental problems were
symptoms of a more basic problem. Divorcing couples
believe their needs are not being met, he said. Or, they are
changing and growing apart from each other.
"Also, there is a feeling of lack of understanding, of an
inability to communicate."
"It's such a fine thing, to make love and survive."
WfflieNile
