14
friday,december14,1979
daily nebraskan
few & pmft
Bims reply to disclaimers begins pen pal relationship
The Daily Halfassken sports staff has learned with the
aid of other scumbags that OU running back Silly Bims
has written a pompous letter of reply to frustrated State
Sen. Bernie disclaimers.
The letter read, 'Dear Bernie: I'm. glad you want to be
a penpal. Because I appeciate the suppot of ya'all fans IH
send you an autographed pixture. I also want you to do
my hair."
: Bims also said he hoped that disclaimers would plant
corn rows on his head, hoping for high yields.
Who cares?
Bims was elated that disclaimers had announced that
he will push for LB20, which proclaims "Silly
Bims Day" and will be celebrated at every NU-OU foot
ball game by fans who will be expected to shake their
units, and suck oranges off the Astro Turf.
Disclaimers also expressed disappointment at the fact
that the Huskers were invited to the Cotton Bowl because
all cotton balls are white. ' . '
Bims added that Sen, Juan TheCampout had also
written a letter but because the words were more thani
two syllables Bims couldn't read it.
Bims also wrote a letter to Adolph "Beer" Belly and
expressed concern over LB221.
Bims said, "The drinking age shouldn't be raised to 21
because when I was 19 1 drank in junior high and could .
buy for my buddies."
Bims said in all three letters that he was happy to be at
OU and that he enjoyed the Southern hospitality of OU
coach Nonfairy Blitzer.
Wo Fat Fox says
Badman missed Jivis3 whee-knee cpy desk is
history!
By Upyer Assler
Stormin Badman, Missery fetal linebacker, said he
really didn't mean to hurt Jivis Whitewine's knee.
1 "I meant to wreck his family life, but I missed. Darn
it," Badman said. "I knew he couldn't run as fast without
his "whee-knee" Badman, said, picking his teeth.
"But if I couldn't have his whee. I'm glad I got his right
one," Badman said. , :
Whiteine had no comment, except to say, "Now I have
to walk through airports. Got any Boone's Farm?"
Defensive procrastinator Lancy Van Fancy, said,
"Don't worry, Jivis. It isn't offense that wins football
games. It's luck."
Missouri head coach Axis Powers said, "Really, I'll
have to say we haven't won a lot of games, but we've put
the other team in stitches "
; Big Red equipment manager I.M. Bloodthirsty also let
it slip that there would be several "nasty" changes in UNL
football equipment if the assaults on Whitewine do not
stop.
"Yup, we'vebeen looking at this new facemask that .
has razor-sharp edges. How would that grab 4em?" Blood
thirsty said, emitting a sinister chuckle, j !
"Or we could fix our kneepads so there 'd be needles
sticking out of them," Bloodthirsty added, his face wear
ing a crazed leer. "Or we could give our linemen poison
tipped cleats or concrete handpads."
"Don't tell anybody any of this, though," Bloodthirsty
said.
"And if that doesn't work, we'll find something'that
does," UNL Athletic Director Scratch Yerfanny said in a
press release found inside a bottle.
"Nonfairy Blitzer didn't ' get to the top by being
honest." , .
Daily Halfassken Sports Editor A. Holes will finally
graduate from college after seven years of futility.
Hulls, while he was not gavotting around the sports
desk at the Halfassken was often seen cluttering up high
school football fields, basketball courts, and girls locker
rooms. ( '
The curly red-headed boy, nicknamed Rojo by many
of his friends, said he spent the best years of his life driv
ing the green bomb to and from Philley, his hometown
and thriving lavender metropolis,
Hulls, by the wire, was also reported being seen in such
states as iowa, Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri,
"Yea, I did a lot of running. Especially in Missouri," he
said. - . t -
Also graduating from the Daily Halfasken sports (
department is the one andonly (thank God) Indiana "En
sign" Hoosier,
' Hoosier gave up many afternoons (escept Tuesdays
which were CTOR' days) grinning, cajoling and chasing,
female reporters around the typewriter desks. "
"There was one thing about 'Hoosier," one female
shreiked, "We never did see if he had hair on top of his
head," she exclaimed.
For both Hoosier and Hulls, the rest of the sports staff
had one thing to say about their graduation.
"HURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEY!"
Dome to. protect Belcher from reindeer, coal trains
By Indiana "Ensign" Hoosier
The UNL Cornshucker Baseball team won't have to
worry about playing "Tundra Ball" this spring.
Duck Belcher Field will have a new look with the con
struction of an $85 million dome to ensure the Shuckers
of warm games in freezing spring weather.
Head Shucker Coach John-Boy Slanders said the new
addition should help recruiting and should look nice next
.to UNL's new solid gold football stadium.
"We're really excited about the possibilities the new
domed stadium will give us," Slanders said, "However, the
dome will take away from the old atmosphere of trains
going by in the outfield and football players taking up our
rightfield area for practice,'"
The dome will be financed by the same group of Cali
fornians who paid for the astro turf and bleachers. Their
interest is to see if they can get 25 California players on
Slanders 25 member team.
"Most pro players are from California so I don't see
what's wrong with letting them play here, besides most
. Nebraskans don't know anything about baseball anyway,"
said assistant coach plugged Toilette
Toilette added that with the new dome the Shuckers
have received several offers from pro players who want to
come back to college, .
"Jeggie Racks'um from the Old York Honkees has
shown some interest in us because he was found to be
scholastically ineligible," he said. "We could use a swinger
like Racks'um to help circulate the air inside of the en-
closed structure. And we're sure to get at least three wiffs
, , , I mean swings from Jeggie," - ,
Slanders said along with the new dome over their
stadium the Shuckers will wear luminescent orange uni
forms with a picture of the state of California on their
backs. .
long shorts
In other Homesteader action, Filley defeated the Little
Sister's of the Poor (a convent of paraplegics) in their
season opener,
Senior Jarvis Van Epren scored a career high 7 points
before a whopping crowd, of 12 Filleyites, DN sports
editor said he was stymied with the win ,
.
"Sure we have a lot of connections with California but
how else am I going to get a job with the Dodgers?"
Slanders said,
Other' additions to the Shucker team as a result of the
new stadium include several celebrities,
Besides Racks'um who'll set, , er, , play rightfield, Al
"The Mad Hungry Man" Hruabowsky was picked up on
waivers and will perform his impression of Richard Nixon
during home Shucker baseball games. ' . .
California Devil last baseman Rude Canoe was interest
ed in attending UNL but with his $900,000 a year salary
he said he couldn't afford the out-state tuition. ' '
The Shuckers' probable starting bat boy will be Don
Rickles who will be used by Slanders to insult both the
opposing coach's wife and the umpire's nationality,;
In four-lane conference action;
1-80
1-70
Highway 2 "
Daily Halfassken sports stories wert
seven drunk and disorderly members of
staff
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhd
Ronco presents
Indiana "Ensign" Hoosier
Upyer Assler
TomButkiss
Shell 03 Company
Daily Halfassken Sports Editor attemptee
written by
the sports
In Munsingwear Conference action;
Waist 36
Inseam32inadualmeet,
For the fifth consecutive year, Maximum sped past
Minimum 5540 in a Highway conference battle,
It was a great win for us," said Maximum coach Blair
Exit, "We've had trouble putting points on the sign since
the energy crisis, but so have they,"
Bowl predictions
With bowl games almost decided, sports fans may
note next week's interesting games and watch for
major bowl developments,
On the East Coast, it's Army at Iran (nationally
televised); Temple will be playing Synaeoeue
Sleepy Hollow will be in Wake Forest; and Monk
University at the Citadel,
Brown at Pink;Colgate will be traveling to Pepso,
dent; Duke against Earl; Rice at Minute; and Air
Force at the North Pole. '
Elsewhere around the country, Holy Cross will
be playing near Essexville, Alabama Agnostic agahV
rhmtlan; Nn0rthwetern at Southeastern;
Sweet Georgia at Brown State; and the Oregon
Ducks are sitting idle, . . wywi
UCLA will be at Notre (the Dame has been
Rexa
W . Prainrth;NaVy 31 "le;and
