tuesday, October 9, 1979
page 4
daily nebraskan
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Idea could make big time
Guru promotes televised doctrine
I have this friend, Abba Wanna Doobie. He's got this
religious thing going.
Don't think he's just a face in the crowd of gurus, re
vivalists, self-proclaimed messiahs and guys who walk
around in crowds with hand-painted signs. With a little
backing, he could make the big time.
jerry fairbanlts
His idea is instant doctrine. The way Abba figures it,
Pope John Paul II did the only thing he could agreeing
with the American bishops to keep the hard line going be
cause the mechanism of change in the Church is too slow.
I agreed, since the last Inquisition witchcraft trial was in
1818.
Abba has an idea to make the system the absolution.
He showed me a plan for a network of telephone lines to
every home in America, connecting little control boards
with a central tabulating computer. The computer would
have display tubes at a proposed television studio with a
satellite hook-up, with a broadcast area covering all 50
states.
With all this hardware in place, Abba would go on the
air once a week and tell the people what they wanted to
hear, instantly.
FOR EXAMPLE, AFTER the opening credits, we'd
have a voice over, "And now, live from his studio in
righteous downtown Sterling, Colo., it's Guru Abba
Wanna Doobie!"
0(
Abba would come on camera in a frenzy of canned
applause and start his sermon for the week. He'd say,
"Blessed are. . " and on the screen would be the three
choices. In this case, "1. The poor. 2. The rich. 3. The
guys making less than $15,000 but more than $5,000 a
year." In seconds, the majority wold have blessed one of
those choices and it's time to move on.
His next line would be, "Damned are. . ." and you get
three more choices, say, "1. Humanists. 2. Anyone mak
ing the wrong choice on the first question. 3. Column
ists." And so on through the sermon.
Abba says the genius of this plan is that he gives every
one a God who agrees with them, which is the same God
everyone believes in anyway. It's a simple refinement of
polling, the process of solidifying public whim. The same
mass whining that brings the president to his knees can
now make Guru Abba Wanna Doobie head of the greatest
marketing scheme in American history.
WITH COMPUTER ADDRESSED dunning and a tithe
collection squad handpicked from death rows across the
country, the money is going to start rolling in. Money,
mass exposure and unquestioning loyalty can lead to only
one thing-bigger plans.
The second stage of his operation is turning his wired
followers into a social force. He figures he can establish an
absolutist theocracy, given enough time and capital. I
tried to tell him that was impossible, since there is a little
thing called democratic tradition in this country.
"Religious frenzy already controls a lot of communi
ties," he said. "Witness the liquor on Sunday issue here in
Lincoln. Look at the anti-pornography and "blue laws. It's
a small step from local controls like that to the big enchilada."
He mumbled something about a third stage involving
Skinnerian conditioning, but I wasn't listening. I was mak-
ing my own plans. The name I settled on was
Humanist Liberation Front."
"The
We appreciate your report on "China Night" program
in the-Nebraska Union Friday night very much. However,
we would like to clarify one of the statements put forth
by Mary Kay Wayman which appeared on the page 8
article in the Monday Oct. 8 issue: "The evening program
and displays in the Union early Frjday were part of cele
bration of the 68th anniversary of the founding of the
Taiwan. We are the people from Taiwan, Republic of
China. The title of our country is the Republic of China.
And the purpose of our presentation was in celebration of
the 68th anniversary of the founding of Republic of
China...
Free China Association
Nebraska Union 345 (Rm. 7)
-N . I
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Canal zone treaty
should inspire trust
This week the implementation of the Panama
Canal treaties should mark the beginning of vastly
improved U.S. relations with Latin America.
The House of Representatives last week voted
to implement the treaty which will eliminate U.S.
jurisdiction over the Canal Zone and phase out
American control of the canal and of military
bases by the year 2000. Until that time, a Panama
Canal Commission dominated by U.S. members
will control the canal.
Many Americans see the changes as another
reflection of decreasing U.S. power. Discussion
about the SALT II treaties and the discovery of
Soviet combat troops in Cuba has raised many
questions about American influence and power in
our own backyard and the world as well.
But despite allegations of declining U.S. mili
tary strength the American move to get out of
Panama is an act of moral strength and in the end
will strengthen the American position in the
world .
The days of Teddy Roosevelt's big stick era
have ended. We live in another time when the
entire world is aware of what this country does
and its effect on them. Thehyprocrisy which has
dominated U.S. relations with Latin American
countries until recently has only made us look
foolish is the eyes of the world.
A country such as ours which professes to
believe in human rights and popular sovereignity
for all people has no right to intervene in the
governance of other nations.
But a move to promote the freedom and
dignity of a country that has long been looked
down upon by Americans wiH be seen as a friend
ly gesture.
This will help rather than hurt the American
position in the world. Trust is vital element in
world relations. With that trust we are a stronger
nation, not a weaker one.
Aerial goose- bumps
raised from Bomb
BOSTON-The girl is worrying about The Bomb.
It is, a friend assures me, a passing thing. It is, he says,
just a symbol of childhood feelings of impotence in a
wider and scary world.
But I think it is a symbol of her fear of the bomb.
I saw her staring into space when the idea goose -bumped
across her body. She shivered and said simply.
"I was worrying about the bomb."'
I wanted to say the right thing to her. V'e always want
to say the right thing and end up telling them to brush
their hair. So, about the bomb, I said: "It is worth worry
ing about." That was dumb ... .unsatisfactory.
She asked for a second opinion. It's what resourceful
children do, when the first answer is dumb or the source is
as historically unreliable as a parent. She looked across the
table and questioned a friend of ours: "Do you think 1
will die from old age, disease, or the bomb?"
Continued on Page 5
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