T
thursday, October 4, 1979
dally nebraskan
pago 11
On-the-spot critics get poor review
By Peg Shcldrick
The time has come at last to pay tribute to a vocal but
much maligned minority, a group whose activities are
often misunderstood, even scorned by the rest of the
world.
For too long they've been trying to share the fruits of.
their knowledge with a public unwilling to listen to their
astute, even profound observations.
Hostility and icy stares greet them at every turn. But,
motivated only by love for their fellow humans, they
raise their voices despite it all with offerings of wit and
wisdom.
I am speaking, of course, of that very special breed, the
On-the-Spot Movie Critics (or, as the jealous masses
choose to call them, Those Jerks in the Back of the
Theater Who Won't Shut Up).
The On-theSpot Movie Critics have been with us for
quite some time, but until recently their services were
only available at midnight movies, on football Saturdays,
or in the privacy of their own homes.
But now, at almost any evening showing, wherever two
or three are gathered in the name of cinema, the On-the-Spotters
can be counted on to contribute to the evening's
fun in their own special way.
PERHAPS YOU HAVE been lucky enough to attend a
show with one or two of them in the audience. If you
haven't, you can easily recognize them by the generous
help they are always offering the rest of the crowd.
For example, they are always there to read the opening
credits out loud for the hard of -seeing-and -hearing, careful
to drown out that boring, dopey mood music with their
own melodious voices.
Speaking loudly enough so that no one in the theater
misses a word, they offer amazing insights regarding the
scenes before them ("Oh wow, man! That's really
gross!"). They also favor patrons with refined, articulate
commentary on ihe quality of the actors and actresses on
screen ("Oooo ee! She sure has a nice butt!").
And they point out, in full voice, many small technical
flaws that no one else would detect, such as the sound
going completely off, the picture being totally out of
focus, or the film itself breaking in two. The unschooled
viewer seldom notices such subtleties.
You would think with all the vocal assistance these
budding Rex Reeds offer, the audience would be glad to
have them around. After all, it's terribly inconvenient to
wait HO after a movie to hear a critique-so much better
to observe the fine points as they come along.
STRANGELY ENOUGH, however, people are actually
ungrateful for these services. They often urge silence from
the critics with harsh words or hostile glares. In fact, some
patrons go so far as to say rude things to the would-be
mentors.
But our heros are ready for them, hollering back such
withering flashes of wit as, "Make me!" and "Aw, kiss
off!"
It isn't easy to reach this pinnacle of brilliance. It takes
years of throwing popcorn, staging fights in the aisles, and
barfing from the balcony at countless kiddie matinees to
grow up into a really first rate On-the-Spot Movie Critic.
(Of course, it is possible to start late-anyone with a
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fifth of scotch, an irritating voice, and a will to succeed
can make up for years of lost training. Just remember that
you are the most important person in the theater, that
everyone is waiting anxiously to hear what you think, and
then use that inborn talent and sing out!)
Yes, it takes a special kind of person to be On-the
Spot Movie Critic, someone gutsy, determined, and above
all honest. It's a dirty Job, but somebody's got to do it.
AND I SAY it's high time we, the rest of the public,
take time out to thank these crazy, wonderful folks. I
think we should let them know eactly what we think of
them.
The next time we're at a showing blessed by such a
divine presence, I think we should all gather 'round and
give our friend a pat on the back. Five or six hundred
thankful thuds should do it.
J think we should offer our roving reviewer popcorn,
and even help him ingest it-perhaps through his nose so
that his mouth is free to keep talking.
Or. best of all, maybe we can all join together to give
our chum the kind of attention he literally is crying out
for-we can hoist him on our shoulders and parade him
right out of the theater, thus relieving him of the necessity
of washing his time entertaining everyone else, and allow,
ing us all to see if absence really does make the heart grow
fonder.
It's worth a try.
On a scale
from I to 10...
is the blind date
who made dogs howl
and small children
run in the streets.
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IS
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