friday, december 15, 1978
page 16
daily stopaskan
jocks and supporters
Coach: hire the handicapped
football players need jobs too
By Duck Baloney
Tax evasion and the Harvard of the
Plains Cornshucker football team were the
topics of head football coach Tom Isbor
ing's speech to the Extra Pint Club
Luncheon this week.
"Providing small gifts like automobiles
and houses to individual players is an ex
cellent deduction for those of you that use
the short tax return," Isboring said to the
"Zero" Street Gang.
He cited the Rolls Royce Black Shadow
provided to Shucker running back, I.M.
Poor, as a good example of small gifts to
less fortunate players.
Truck Baldhead, former star player for
the Shuckers and president of the Corn
shucker Car Club, was the main contribu
tor of autos last year and he collected a
large tax return because of the deduction,
according to Isboring.
The hiring line
"For those of you who use the long
form, you should look into the possibility
of hiring the starting line up at electricians'
wages-like $12.50 an hour," he said.
The employment of this year's first
string by an out-of-town business which
paid time-and-a-half for overtime and
mileage was the example used by Isboring.
"This year's team was employed to
guard the plant from attacks by Godzilla,
Rodan, Mothra, monsters from outer space
and giant mutations of tiny insects," he
said. "It was a job they could handle and
the business will be able to deduct enough
money from this year's taxes to hire a new
head coach at Colorado."
After a five minute silent worship of the
coach, the Extra-Pint Club toasted the
coach with Chateau Nouveaux Riches wine
and sang "Hail to the Chief."
Tidy Bowl foes
Isboring thanked the club for its sup
port and then praised the upcoming Tidy
Bowl opponent, the Olderhomer Laters,
of the Yale of the Plains.
"The Laters are one of the finest teams
in die country," he said.
"They have one of the most potent of
fenses in the country. Only Later head
coach Fairy Swisher has scored more times
than the Later offense.
"They have one of the finest offenses in
the country and coach Swisher is one of
the finest coaches in the country," Isboring
said.
The Later offense is led by Wasserman
Trophy winner Silly Bims. In the first
meeting between the two teams, Bims mis
takenly wore the wrong uniform and con
tributed a great deal to the Shucker
victory.
"Bims is one of the finest backs in the
country ," Isboring said .
Blood Clott
offense is run by senior
Thomas "Aunt Jemima"
earned his nickname by
running all over the field like syrup, ac
cording to Isboring, not because of the
bandana he wears.
"He's a good runner and he can throw,
too," he said.
Isboring also praised the Olderhomer
defense that is led by Ail-American George
Humby and Caryl Dunt.
"Humby and Dunt are two of the finest
linebackers in the country," Isboring said.
Most members of the Extra Pint Club
left the luncheon during the speech
because they plan to fly to Miami from
their vacation homes in the Bahamas where
they will be spending Christmas.
"Even I'm going to fly down there,"
Baldhead said.
The luncheon ended when Isboring said,
"We have one of the finest Extra Pint
Clubs in the country."
The Later
quarterback,
Clott. Clott
i t
JJjf
Jim r
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Photo courtesy of Parting Shots
The photograph originally scheduled to appear in this space was rejected at 11:30
p.m. by an irate member of the UNL Publications Board (our adviser agreed the
photo was not kosher). The picture showed a high school cheerleader at last year's
state basketball tournament who was grabbing the other's "private parts." Sorry you
had to miss it.
O-&A?Z$to 4 Aft W
jockey shorts
The Harvard of the Plains women's hopskotch team
took third place Tuesday in the first annual Harvard of
the Plains Hopskotch Invitational Tournament at the Ne
braska Onion. In first place was the University of Montana
-Havre with 52 points. California at Atascadero with 42
points. HOP with 40 points. SUNY-Stony Brook with 16
points and University of Texas at Luckenback with 8.
High scorer with a triple jump and four double jumps was
the team's captain Anita Gangbang.
Any HOP students interested in being in the fourth
annual HOP Crew Tournament down Salt Creek should
apply to room 37. Mable Golgce Hall by 4 p.m. Saturday.
All men interested in walking-on to the 1979 football
team are reminded they must have a physical from Dr
Lax Holsky.by Dec. 19.
Photo courtesy of the National Wear-a-Jock strap Association
Junyer 'Three Hands" Milhar rambles for extra yardage despite a peculiar growth from his trousers. Milhar describ
ed the defect as "just one of those things you learn to live with."
poisonals
By Groana Bearit
University Program
Council President Ron
Dolly says he doesn't
smoke, but he sure gets into
grass skirts.
The Nebraska-Oklahoma
rematch was staged to in
crease the consumption of
citrus fruits in the Midwest?
Member?; of YAF have
been seen Jiing around in
white robes and hoods in
the wee hours of the night.
ANUS Vice-President
Bob Cootie claims to have a
deep sentimental attach
ment for redheads. He may
be after the Daily Stopaskan
editor . . .
C ach Slipperiano says
he mistook the referee's
signals during the Creighton
Nebraska game as time-out
signals.
Regent Kermit Gagner
has several framed copies ot
a police report detailing his
verbal assault on a student
police officer in his den7
"It's the real thing," Gagner
said.
The Daily Stopaskan
staff is learning the art of
levitation so they can drink
beer without being on uni
versity property.
TT i Jk
'0 "f
Today s modern artists capture the many moods of HOP head basketball coach Joe
Slipnano. From right to left: Technical foul number one against Creighton; technical
foul number two against Creighton; technical foul number three against Creishton;
and Joes Nvhat-the-hell attitude following the third technical.