friday, december 15, 1978
daily stopaskan
page 1 1
HOP EdIHoh
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Good morning! Weather: yes
Need for supreme, holy ANUS
prompts title of Jesus, disciples
By Smelly Shith
The need for a supreme all powerful body prompted
ANUS to change the position of its president to Jesus,
and its senators to disciples Wednesday night.
The new positions, according to Rocky (shut your)
Trapp, followed little discussion about increasing ANUS
power.
The proposal was brought about when President
Ken Bambino suggested abolishing all ANUS commit
tees, the chancellor and president of the university in
order to "make ANUS the throne of the kingdom."
Out of the crowd, a lonely voice, (reportedly linked
to Senator Bob Greasin) someone yelled, "Jesus
Bambino!"
Bambino quickly exclaimed, "Hey, that's a better
idea."
"From now on 1 will be called Jesus Bambino, and you
will be my disciples," he said.
"We will do such holy, supreme things like redecorate
the ANUS office in gold satin and sponsor an almighty
worship your ANUS day," he said.
Disciple Joseph of Nigro shouted, "(lolly gee, do you
even think we could criticize the Daily Stopaskan'.'"
"l-ear not," Jesus Bambino assured. "We will appoint
you all to committess. But beware. We will pass legis
lation requiring you to adhere to all of Jesus's policies
and ANUS decisions."
Disciple Holy Rollin' Nolan said, "I hate to put a
damper on this, but it seems to me that we're overlooking
an issue. I mean it isn't really logical to be making such
plans when we haven't even discussed what the actual
plans are, and we are still overlooking one very vital, im
portant question."
At this point, Vice -Jesus Bob Cootie screamed,
"Would the disciple types please give disciple Holy Nolan
the courtesy of not sleeping while he has the floor. Thank
you."
"As I was saying," disciple Nolan continued. "We are
overlooking the issue. Do you actually think that Ken can
grow a beard? I mean can you even imagine 'ol baby face
with whiskers? It's preposterous."
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Photo by Teddy Quirk
I'd like to say Merry Christmas to all the rodents,
you Dopey, Sneezy, Grumpy and Sleepy. Happy,
Doc and of course. Horny.
Letter 'L' goes to hell
A Curtis. Neb. native, L was an
almost-graduate of Harvard of the Plains
at the time of his death . Many of
the instructors at HOP praised L for his
strong dedication in the field of
journalism.
L spent his last year in Washington,
D.C. as a press agent for Nebraska Sen.
Edward Zorro. When asked to eulo
gize L's tragic death, Zorro replied, "I
am quite elated. L will make a fine
. ghost writer for me."
The alphabet is one letter short
today following a Congressional vote to
omit the letter "L" after the death of
the esteemed political journalist L.
Wolgamott.
Wolgamott, affectionately known by
his friends as L, was killed last Thursday
from lead poisoning. L had tried to cure
his lunchtime hunger by consuming a
large red lead pencil used in newspaper
editing. He died instantly.
East campiis sponsors fair
ANUS's Bambino
exclaims RC Cola
same but different
By Dim Witt
In a special meeting last night, the
Council on Student Life (CSL) voted to re
structure itself, and adopted a new name to
go along with its new image.
In the future, CSL will be known as the
Reorganized Council on Campus or Off
campus Life Affairs (RC COLA.) After
hearing several proposals by members, RC
COLA voted to accept the proposal of
ANUS President Ken Bambino.
Bambino's proposal will provide that
RC COLA meet on alternate Thursdays, ex
cept in months that have Rs in them. In
addition, RC COLA would be prohibited
from taking any other action than hearing
appeals. It would be limited to hearing
appeals on areas of student life that do not
concern academics, ANUS affairs, students
under 19, graduate students, or students
taking less than 15 credit hours, or more
than 16.
One RC COLA member, who asked not
to be identified, said, "It's fine with me.
I'm going to be pretty busy next semester,
anyway."
RC COLA member and Housing
Director Dug Datechka said, "While I
applaud and understand Ken's proposal
heartily, I feel I must try to point out some
of the ramifications and effects of this
understandable and applaudable proposal
that Ken has proposed, understandably.
I've written a short fifteen-page memo
discussing some finer points of this
completely applaudable proposal which has
been proposed to us by Ken. While not
disagreeing with many of these fine finer
points, many of which have been ap
plauded and understood by me. I want to
say. I mean. . what'"
Bambino said that RC COLA "will be
the same as CSL. only different. '
"You can dribble on the
sidewalk, you can dribble
on my shoes and your jeans
too, but please quit drib
bling on my fingers."
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Photo by Boob Piercing
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"President Carter hopes to sign a Hu
man Rights treaty with the shall on Christ
mas in Tehran after he views the advanced
techniques we use to deal with marxists
rebels and veiled religious fanatics," Braun
said.
Harvard hops on HOP s,j sIi j
Cambridge-Harvard University today
filed suit in U.S. District court charging the
Harvard of the Plains Bored of Rodents
with libel.
Harvard contends that Rodent James
Toyland's comments that HOP would soon
become the "Harvard of the Plains" was (Jjty Scilc
taise, misleading, noenous ana aeiamaiory.
The suit seeks $200 million in damages.
Toyland declined comment, as he was
chewing gum at the time.
Bob Devaney Sports Center-HOP bas
ketball coach Joe Slipriano admitted in a
press conference today that he secretly
works for Creighton's basketball team.
Call me Dick
Phnom Penh-Ex-President Richard
Nixon plans to start his "back to public
life campaign" from Camodia's capitol.
Speaking from a fox hole at Phnom
Penh U. Nixon said, "Just call me Dick,
everybody else does."
At the end of his speech Nixon shook
hands with the troops of students who
lined up to congratulate him on his return.
The former President told students they
could buy copies of his memoirs at a dis
count with student I.D.'s.
Shaah spirit
Tehran In an effort to extend the jkc it off
Christmas spirit rresiaeni i arier nas Mown
doens of specialists to aid the shall against
the growing challenge to his rule, according
to the shall 's press secretary Hva Braun.
Some of the specialists include descen
dants of Herman Goering, William C. West
moreland, Richard Milhouse Nixon and
Heinrick Goebbel.
Cleveland-Mayor Dennis J. Kucinich
wants Clevelandnites to demonstrate the
true holiday spirit and sell all their belong
ings and donate the money they would
have spent on the Holidays to the city.
inside out
Montreal -Boom Boom LaFluer. De
lightful Trixie. Boobs Galore and 1,576
other strippers took it off for 12 hours at
the Trampoline Club to raise funds for the
Montreal's City Mission.
The wino's showed their appreciation
by taking off their clothes.
Budweiser, Millers, and Coors beware:
USDA investigates HOP's role in beer
manufacturing page 34
Plie, pirouette, positionll; Rodents don
purple leotards for fairy Christmas
pageant page 38
Double dribbling: Stopaskan staff dis
covers massive crosswalk boycott on the
Kansas University Jaywalk basketball
team page 43