monday, november 13, 1978
daily nebraskan
page 5
oped
UNL affairs need athletic efficiency
With Nebraska's remarkable victory over Oklahoma
Saturday, the supremacy and efficiency of the UNL Ath
letic Department has clearly been established.
Therefore, permit ffie to submit a modest proposal:
namely, that the Athletic Department be given total
control over all university affairs.
There are those, of course, who will disagree with me
on the grounds that it already has such control, but since
no one has listened to those dissenters for decades, neither
will I.
michael gibson
Actually, my proposal would benefit all involved,
especially faculty and students.
For example, Nebraskans are outraged whenever the
Cornhusker football team ranks second in Big Eight
standards. Undoubtedly, they would be equally livid when
they learned that the Cornhusker faculty team now ranks
not second, not third, but seventh in Big Eight standards
for teachers' salaries.
Who knows? With incentives similar to that given to
football walk-ons, perhaps outstanding professors would
start coming to UNL as walk-ons themselves, instead of
leaving campus as quickly as Richard Berns takes off to
wards the goal line.
Athletic Department control would also improve the
quality of the UNL student body. In no time at all, the
public would be equally perturbed when we failed to sign
the state's leading ACT scorer as when we missed catching
the state's leading high school rusher.
Student representation on the Board of Regents would
also be strengthened. It's not that hard tosay "no" to any
ASUN president, but what regent would disagree with
Student Regent (at 6'4", 225 lbs., Defensive Team
Captain) George Andrews?
Furthermore, UNL's academic programs would no
longer have any trouble receiving attention from the
regents.
After all, if naming the Sports Center after Bob
"Devaney was considered an "emergency item" at Friday's
regents meeting, just think of what attention the Business
College (which has had to turn away students for lack of
teachers) could receive under the Athletic Director's care.
My proposal might also rescue the College of Engineer
ing which, according to unviersity administrators, is suf
fering from a severe shortage of teachers and a strained
budget. Ever hear of a football team suffering from a lack
of coaches?
Once the additional funding for academics began to
flow, Nebraskans, of course, would require it be used
wisely.
The football team, for example, evaluates its players
after each game, and their grades are published in the
newspaper. With the Athletic Department running the
University, it would not be long before fans began
receiving the same public grading of university staff and
faculty.
I can see it now: letters to the editor urging that Pro
fessor A.B. be moved up to full tenure, or Visiting Instruc
tor X be given a Blackshirt.
My proposal does have a few minor problems.
There will surely be a few misguided souls who believe
that a university is a place for higher education, not higher
ratings in the AP Top Twenty, and so will object. Given
an Orange Bowl victory or two, however, the
world will take little note and not long remember what
they say.
Of course, my proposal will receive numerous court
challenges. But I think distribution of a few seats on the
fifty-yard line will clear up any supposed claims of
violating separation of church and state.
In the end, I think my proposal is worthy of
consideration and adoption. Perhaps then my hoped-for
bachelor of arts degree will be worth as much on the black
market as my season football ticket.
MS EMAIL
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