sexuality
single mother adjusts to society's norms, child's needs
by alice hrnicek
m,
lonica had her first abortion at the
age of seventeen. Three years later she had
her second abortion.
By the time she was 26, Monica
was into her fifth pregnancy as a single
adult. Her relationship with the father had
been going on for almost 10 years. This
time Monica did not follow her own pre
cedent. "I felt completely different about my
self than ever before with that pregnancy,"
she said. "I decided I could handle being a
single parent."
The decision Monica had to make is one
faced by thousands of single, pregnant fe
males across the country. Options avail
able for these women usually include
aborting the child, giving it up for adoption
or raising the child themselves. In some in
stances, the woman may be lucky enough
to have a relative who will assist or take
full responsibility for the child. But in
others, the choices available may be even
more limited.
Monica, whose name was changed to
protect her anonymity, admits that her ex
perience may not typify that of the majori
ty of single parents. However, many of the
problems she has incurred are encountered
by others.
For Rebecca's father, Monica holds no
hostile feelings. "I have a lot of empathy
for him," she said. "He didn't choose to be
a father."
Rebecca's father sends letters and con
tacts them by phone. "We are aware of him
here," Monica said. "But she (Rebecca)
hasn't seen him for a year and a half."
situation was "good for a single mother be
cause there are a lot of supportive people."
"I didn't intend to be on welfare," she
said. "My intentions were totally opposite.
But (Rebecca) was premature so I had to
deal with it right away."
The economic consequences have hit
Monica in numerous and unforeseen ways.
She owns no car. She rents a house for $85
a month. She classifies herself as "low
income."
She quickly learned that "children cost
money," she said. Out of necessity she has
acquired almost everything secondhand.
"I get along real well with welfare," she
stated. For some women, however, welfare
is a comedown and is likely to make them
resent being a single parent, she said.
Through a state funded program, Voca
tional Rehabilitation, Monica is currently
completing the requirements for a degree
in English at UNL. She entered college in
1966 and having shifted among three insti
tutions, she hopes to graduate in 1979.
Part of the reason she is getting an edu
cation, she said, is a "desire to do well."
The public often complains about people
abusing welfare, she said. "I'm not using
public assistance for that purpose."
1,
f,
or several vears. Monica worked with
a erouo of women in Chicago who
performed legal abortions. In Lincoln for
her fifth pregnancy, she felt removed from
the support of her home community. The
fact that her daughter was born three
months premature, before Monica had
taken Lamaze classes and completed other
preparatory measures, added to the
"incredible shock" which she experienced.
"I became very defensive," Monica said.
The experience of being a single mother in
the hospital on Mother's Day was devas
tating. "They close the curtains while
everyone else has visitors."
After living in a small apartment for two
months, the two moved into a communal
system for a year. Monica said the
.n the future, Monica would like to
live in another group environment with
single mothers. "Single parents need to be
around sympathetic adults," she commen
ted. However, she added that the mothers
would suffer financially because their wel
fare needs would be reevaluated.
Some single parents "feel really locked
in" by the restrictions regarding the use of
medicare, she said. If a single mother be
comes pregnant again, she loses the
benefits.
The emotional adjustments of raising a
child alone are in many ways more costly
than economic problems. "Part of my de
fensiveness about the level of organ
ization I live in is the way people judge
single mothers," she said. "There is usually
an assumption that there is some malad
justment." "But most mothers don't choose the
situation as I did. I had to have a lot of self
worth. I feel like I don't encounter self
consciousness since I'm not as defensive
anymore."
"I'm real supportive of single fathers,"
she reported. The public hears less about
them that single mothers, but she said they
are given more credit because they have no
wife to raise their children. "A woman is
sorority women . . .
Continued from page 7
"There's a time and place (for sex). I
think in our house we follow that rule,"
the standards chairman said. In this day
and age, it (premarital sex) is almost
accepted."
But pledges are not the only ones who
feel uncertain about how their sexual
behavior will affect their image in the
house.
One junior sorority member said
although she feels comfortable discussing
sex with her friends in the house, she some
times worries about negative reactions to
her behavior from a few people.
u
Ct lot of our sexual conservatism is the
result of a midwest, middle-class upbring
ing which says I'm only going to sleep with
him because I'm going to marry him.
"If they don't marry him. and don't
marry right out of college. I think they will
be surprised how much their attitude will
change in five years," she said.
But some members think the tacit code
of ethics is hypocritical.
"It's okay for girls who have boy
friends and who are going to get married.
But then if they (the standards committee)
hear anyone else is doing it they act like
it's a big sin-sin, when they're doing it
anyway too," said one senior member.
Sexually active women are not alone in
a sense of peer disapproval. One girl said
although she disapproves of premarital
sex she is afraid to say anything to her
sorority sisters.
In other areas of the survey, all those
that indicated they are sexually active said
they use birth control. The most popular
method is the birth control pill. Two
women said they use a diaphragm.
However, all 30 women indicated that
prCVSHtlTig prcnanCy Miuuiu oe ootn tne
man's and woman's responsibility.
When asked if they approve or disap
prove of homosexuality, 60 percent said
they disapprove, 13 percent said they ap
prove and 26 percent said they are
undecided.
Editor's note: This story is not intended
to characterize all sorority women. It is
intended only to illustrate how a person's
environment -family, religion and peer
groups-can influence her sexual attitudes
and behavior. Our reporter spoke to
sorority women because they are one ot
the largest homogeneous groups of women
on campus.
supposed to do everything as well as every
one else. Society's expectations of us and
our families have to be tolerant."
Monica remarked that she has had no
relationship with men since Rebecca's
Dirth. "A person must make a decision to
have a good time. Sometimes you must
:hoose between spending time with your
:hild or with others."
Most single parents end up associating
with other people who have children,
Monica said. Although she sees nothing
wrong with parents, she believes the field
:ould be opened wider. "Unless you make
an effort to be outgoing, you'll probably
be ignored," she said.
Since Rebecca's birth, Monica has
been involved with several organizations
for single parents. One of these, MOMMA,
is a national organization which included a
Lincoln chapter for several years. The
group functioned as "a solidarity gesture
for women to share the same problems."
All of the women in MOMMA were low
income, Monica said, and met in a church.
MOMMA died in Lincoln because there
were not enough people to keep it going.
The extinction of this organization sym
bolizes the nation's ignorance of the num
ber of single parents in this country, she
said. "It's important to emphasize how
many homes are single-parent homes and
that the divorce rate is covering less of the
single households."
What about the children living in these
arrangements? Although a lot of people are
still unaware of the special needs and the
growing number of these children, Monica
is optimistic that the situation is improv
ing. "I had a worse time saying my mother
was divorced than she (Rebecca) will of
saying her father lives in Chicago," she
said. "Being small (a result of her
premature birth) will be much worse than
the stigma from being the child of a single
parent."
Rebecca has not yet started school but
Monica said there will be enough students
from single-parent homes in her class that
the "kids will not be hassling each other.
She's not up against much."
Qhild care is another important con
sideration for single parents. When Monica
started classes at UNL, she worried because
Rebecca was only 1 8-months old and few
places accept children that young.
Monica was able to place Rebecca in the
University Child Care Center, which she be
lieves offers excellent care. "If Rebecca
hadn't been accepted by UCC, I would
have felt I had a problem."
But she voiced that daycare needs to
be much better than it is. Churches and
other buildings empty throughout the
week could be utilized, she said.
The circle is vicious, though. "Single pa
rents have the least time to do the organiz
ing," she explained. "We don't have time
to set up things we need and we feel penal
ized because we don't have those
facilities."
In spite of claims that single parents
can't handle a dual mother-father role,
Monica doesn't feel she's "missing any
thing because Rebecca doesn't have a
daddy. All parents come to grips with the
fact that you can't be a perfect parent.
You lose stereotypes because you have to
do everything."
Men in Rebecca's life include day
care personnel, Monica's male teacher's and
male friends. Her regular sitter also is a
teenage male.
The mother notes that there are alot of
things she and her daughter have not yet
experienced. "What I do will be based
partly on her needs. But I won't do some
thing I don't like just for the sake of being
financially secure, I feel no limitations be
cause of being a single parent."
fraternity men . . .
Continued from page 7.
choice.
"Sex just isn't that important to me
now. I've had many opportunities to have
intercourse, but I think it is not worth the
trouble."
Although he has "made out" with
several girls, he has never encouraged any
other activities because there are a lot of
responsibilities involved with intercourse.
He said his sexual attitudes have not
changed since he came to college .
"I respect women. Most guys in our
house do not. I don't see a woman as some
one whose only purpose is to have sex
with."
He has remained a virgin also because he
has not met any girls who interest him.
"For some reason, the girls that come
over to our house are mostly the type you
couldn't take home to mother," he said.
"Maybe I'm just too picky, but if I'm going
to have intercourse I want to be sure it is
with someone I care about ."
Frank said he has never felt much nra.
sure from his fraternity brothers to actively
seek sex, although added that he said
severai of his friends in the house "are out
to get him laid" this year.
"I really don't think it's any of their
business if I stay a virgin," he said. "I don't
think it is going to be a permanent thing.
I'm sure it will happen, and when it does it
does."
m
lost of the men interviewed said they
felt birth control was a mutual responsi
bility, however, they disagreed on the
meh0usof contraception.
Barry said he does not like to use any
type of contraceptive. Craig said he has
used condoms, but does not like them be
cause they are uncomfortable and ineffect
ive. Alan always uses a condom when he
has intercourse.
"Most guys are pretty laissez-faire when
it comes to birth control, but I feel that it
is important to use a condom and that the
man should take the responsibility for it.
Besides, most girls just don't have a
condom on hand with them," Alan ex
plained .
The men's attitudes towards living to
gether also differed.
Alan said he feels that he would not
want to live with someone. He said he
would get tired of always being with the
same person, and, unlike the others, he
could not have sex with someone he did
not love.
"It just wouldn't excite me," he
explained.
Barry also said he does not like the idea
of living with someone. Living with some
one can make things bad for one's parents
or employer if they found out He S2id
most of society just does not accept the
idea of sleeping together and not being
married.
Carl, however, plans to live with some
one after college and is looking forward to
it.
"Sexual attitudes have changed." he
said. "People are more open to speak out
about sex. It just is not a dirty word any
more. It's not taboo anymore to discuss
sex openly and honestly."
Editor's note: This story is not intended
to characterize all fraternity ,nen. It is in
tended only to illustrate how a person's
environment-family, religion and peer
groups-can influence his sexual attitude
and behavior. Our reporter spoke to
fraternity men because they are one of the
largest homogenious groups of men on
campus.
page 8
fathom
friday, november 10, 1978