communication is key to marriage with bisexual partner
by kate gaul
I
J homosexuality isn't very well un
derstood, bisexuality is off somewhere in a
nebulous left field. Bisexuals don't have a
coherent liberation front and both sides of
the sexual coin tend to shun them.
Homosexuals tend to think that bi
sexuals deny their true sexual identity
that they refuse to admit their gayness.
Heterosexuals tend to think that bisexuals
have an obscured sexual identity-that they
waver uncertainly between being gay and
straight. And, sometimes, bisexuals are
lumped with that crowd of wife-swappers
and all-night partiers, "the swingers."
Being bisexual is something like being a
mulatto child; neither group really claims
you.
David is a bisexual man, who, four years
ago, married a heterosexual woman. Four
years ago, David was confused about his
sexuality. He said he began seeing other
men on the sly and left his wife, Lynn,
wondering what was keeping him out late.
The situation finally erupted, David
said, when he needed the emotional sup
port that Lynn could offer after a gay re
lationship of David's went on the rocks and
he confided in her.
"I was pretty hurt. Confused," Lynn
recalled. "I was afraid that our relation
ship was over. I thought it was my fault.
1 felt guilty."
David said that it took "a lot of pain, a
lot of honesty" to keep their relationship
together. He said that communication and
emotional support were two very
important ingredients for survival.
Sitting in the kitchen of their plant
laden apartment, they often turned to
question each other as they spoke: "Was I
supportive enough. . .?" "How did you
feel. . .?" They have no role models to
serve as buoys in their occasional "rough
waters."
David said that at first he was "fright
ened" by his bisexuality because it went
against "the accepted rule that you can't
love two people at once."
Now, David said, "I don't feel that if I
love another person it takes away from the
love I have for Lynn."
J ealousy -emotional jealousy-is still
the biggest problem, they admitted.
"It's like: 'Here I am again. I hope she
doesn't get too involved and won't want to
come back,'" David said.
He said that his jealous anxiety is
quelled when they talk. Preventing the jea
lousy, David said, is a matter of respect for
the other person-a phone call to let her
know his plans, that he is okay and vice
versa.
"I don't like the feelings that jealousy
brings out in people. So I stop (those feel
ings) when I realize them. Most people
don't realize when they're dealing on a
jealousy level," David said.
Lynn said that she was jealous at first,
but now she feels guilty. She said she feels
guilty when they have both made plans to
go out with other people and she has a
good time, but David's good time flops.
The relationship was open for David to
see other people before Lynn said she felt
comfortable going out without David.
"It was just to do something," she em
phasized, and going out was not purely
sexual. "If David made plans, then I'd
make plans with my girlfriends. Since
David was going through an experimenting
stage, I thought I would experiment too."
She said that David encouraged her.
"I wasn't pushing her into sexual re
lations," David clarified. He said that his
meeting other men was not purely sexual
either. "I was meeting other people and I
didn't want Lynn to sit at home."
Lynn laughed about the reactions she
observed from her single girlfriends. She
said that when she began talking to another
man in a bar, they would rush up and in
form him that Lynn was married.
It was hard for them to accept a married
woman "going out just for fun" without
her husband, she explained. "Single
friday, november 10, 1978
people have ideals of marriage. They put
it on a pedestal."
David said that single straight people
look at his and Lynn's arrangement as a
"threat to their ideal of marriage."
He added that married women are more
understanding of Lynn than are others be
cause they know what married life is like,
they understand its realities.
a
definition of marriage is constantly
changing. Marriage is a growing thing
growing together and apart and concentra
ting on the positive level," David said. He
added that keeping open lines of communi
cation between spouses is the way to keep
a relationship on the positive level.
His bisexuality is "basically being free
to love an individual, respect them and not
feel threatened by that contact," David
said.
He introduces Lynn to the men he cares
about because he feels more comfortable
when she knows them and because he said
he won't exclude her from his life, he
added.
But his gay relationships are mostly a
secret to their heterosexual friends.
David said that they would not feel
"comfortable" with the knowledge. "Why
create problems when there isn't one?"
"They'd probably think it was
immoral," he explained.
David said that he always mentions his
marriage when he first begins talking to a
gay man.
With amusement, he said that their
usual reaction is, "Does your wife know?
Does she mind? Well, she must be very
understanding."
But other gays are "very acidic," he
said. "They ask questions like, Vhere's the
little woman tonight?" Or, David
said, they would ask him what a married
man was doing in a gay bar.
David said the sexual aspect of their
extra-marital contacts is there but the life
style is not purely sexual, as people tend to
think, nor are they the swingers they are
typecast as.
"It's being comfortable with people
and their lifestyle."
"We put each other first emotionally,"
David said. "And we deal with others if
they are positive."
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religious leaders. . .
continued from page 3
The Methodist Church believes that
homosexuals are persons of sacred worth
and are not condemned. But neither are
they condoned, Leutchens said.
't
.heir relationship is not the best way
to fulfill what God's plan is," he said. "The
Methodist Church does not recognize
homosexual marriage, but Leutchens said
he believes they will some day be ordain
ing homosexuals.
Homosexuality is an issue that Berrgren
says he has not completely settled in his
own heart.
"I have as many problems with irre
sponsible sex as with homosexuality," he
said.
The Church has a responsibility to
preach the gospel, human freedom and dig
nity to all people, said Holthus, "but
homosexuality is not a correct expression
of the way we are made."
There are other things just as bad
adultery, idolatry, greed, he said.
The only sexual acts that the Catholic
Church recognizes are heterosexual. Homo
sexuality is not recognized and has never
been condoned throughout the 2000 years
of the Church's history, Father Hrdlicka
said.
Of course the homosexual can always
repent, and receive the seal of secrecy, he
said.
The Jewish faith by far takes the
strongest stand on homosexuality. Tradi
tionally, according to the Bible and Jewish
law, homosexuality was a crime punishable
by death, Rabbi Karp said.
'That is the strict legal interpretation,"
Rabbi Karp said, "but among reformed
Judaism, it is becoming a more and more
accepted way ot behavior."
't
here are even homosexual Jewish
congregations on the East and West
coasts," he said. Society has readjusted it
self towards homosexuality much like it
has towards leprosy, Karp said. Leprosy
was once considered a divine punishment
but now is just a disease.
"Homosexualtiy is not an option. The
homosexual cannot choose what he is so it
is not a crime. It is a matter of biology."
"There are probably even some homo
sexual rabbis in the reform movement,"
he said. Orthodox and Conservative
Judaism is still much more strict.
Attitudes on contraception and abor
tion, too, run the gamut. Lutheran or
Methodist churches are opposed to contra
ceptives. Contraceptives are to protect the family
unit that is already there, Holthus said.
People should be able to have as many
children as one can morally care for, and it
is perfectly correct for people to abstain
from having them.
Abortion should be given a great deal of
careful thought, Holthus continued. The
Church is against abortion as a means of
birth control.
The Catholic Church recognizes no form
of birth control except abstinance during a
woman's fertile time, Father Hrdlicka
said. He reemphasized that each sexual act
should be left open for the possibility of a
child.
Abortion is murder in any form, he
added. "The soul enters the child at con
traception. In cases where the mother's
life may be in danger, the church teaches
that both lives should be saved. Life is a
sacred thing."
Contraceptives were spoke of in the
Talmud and permitted. But Jewish couples
were required to have two children first,
said Rabbi Karp.
Lbortion is an option which in certain
circumstances can be used up to the 24th
hour, only if it is a matter of life or death
of the mother, he said.
Among Reformed Jews, however,
Rabbi Karp said other criterias due to the
complexity of society is being considered.
"If a child is not wanted and will suffer
as a result of that, the feeling is that to
bear that child is a crime against it," he
said.
"People seem to look at the Church
negatively," Berrgren summed up.
"The Church is out to say yes-yes, to
life, and no to death. It's just easier to
write out ten 'no's' that bring about death
in some way or another. Christ really says
yes to the whole world."
fathom
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