Wednesday, august 23, 1978
daily nebraskan
page 7
finds past 'horrors' are tomorrow's golden memories
Continued from page 6
well as one for themselves.) Single students
began to revolt because of this obvious dis
crimination. Much pressure was placed on
the administration. It was feared -that if
married people were not allowed two
tickets, mere would be no reason for
getting married. The whole family
structure would die out.
Divine's Province
"So, Governor Divine proclaimed
Memorial Stadium as a separate province so
the athletic department could have
complete control over the controversy. The
local people affectionately called the little
nation, "Divine's Province".
The captain of the football team was
vested with the power to perform group
wedding services. The fee was $10 per
couple. Certificates wtce issued permitting
trie couples to purchase tootoau uciceis.
"Would it not have been wiser to permit
each student the option of buying two
tickets?" Jenny asked.
"It may have been a simpler solution,
but the benefits outweighed the slight in
conveneince to the students".
"What exactly were the benefits?"
"The revenue, child, the revenue. Not
only the additional amount that came from
the marriage licenses, but also the amount
that came from the divorce degrees issued
at the south end of the stadium."
"The students must have loved the 'Big
Red' to go through all this trouble in order
to see the games," said Jenny reverently.
Students desert games
"The students never attended the
games. The tickets were sold to avid fans
who were unable to buy tickets because
they were not bankers. The university
learned back in the 70's that sometimes it
can be beneficial to overlook a slight wrong
and capitalize on the financial benefits. A
$5 fee was imposed on a student who 'lost'
his or her student I.D. and needed a dupli
cate card. Most I.D.'s were lost in the first
week of September.
The system worked out fairly well.
Some of the unexpected problems were
ironed out before the 'Proclamation Date'
which, as you know, caused the university
to close its doors forever."
"What kind of problems?" inquired
Jenny.
"Mostly revenue problems. The admini
stration misjudged the student's ability to
cut through red tape. Originally it was esti
mated that $20 per year per student would
be gained from the marriage and divorce
certificates. The students were able to trim
these costs down to $2.50 per year."
"How did they do that?" inquired
Jenny.
Students intermarry
"Students married each other. A fresh
man couple would spend jointly $10 for a
marriage certificate and $10 for a divorce
certificate. The joint cost being $20 per
couple or $10 per certificate. The joint
cost being $20 per couple or $10 per
individual, or $2.50 per year providing that
the couple stayed in school four years. The
administration originally estimated that
some students would marry fellow stu
dents, but had estimated that 90 percent of
UNL students would marry non-students.
"After purchasing the joint football
tickets, the couple would file for a dupli
cate marriage certificate, on file at the
Lincoln State House. Each person now had
a Marriage certificate, and each person was
entitled to a pair of tickets. Once a student
possessed a marriage certificate, there was
no need to buy another-something the
administration had overlooked. A divorce
decree voided the marriage agreement, but
did not destroy the certificate of marriage.
Obviously, if no new marriage certificates
were needed, there would be no need for
new divorce decrees.
The Memorial Stadium Province was in
the process of correcting this error, but
did not complete the project before the
demise of the school."
"How were they going to solve the
problem?"
UNL State House
"By building a state house of their own
so that the additional revenue could be
collecting for processing duplicate marriage
certificates."
"That sounds like an expensive project
in order to catch a handful of dishonest
students?" replied Jenny.
"Not really," Grandmother continued,
"The Legislature passed a 10 cent a pack
cigarette tax, and the proposed building
was completely paid for within three
months. Of course, only non-smokers
would be considered for employment at
the new facilities.
"Well, Jenny, are you ready to join the
rest of the group?"
"Yes, I think they are heading towards
the College of New Administration."
"I am anxious to see for myself if the
rumor is true," said Grandmother. "I have
heard that some of my old professors are
still around still on tenure."
Dr. Pendleton maintains the office near
the exit of the building. . ." came the re
corded voice.
Department of Futurology
"Jenny, I remember Pendleton-he re
sembled both a bull-dog and Hitler. He
reached tenure and senility in the early
60's. He was moved into the office in the
70's; the move was a subtle hint from the
department of futurology.
"Preparing his 21st edition of From the
Pen of Pendleton on 'Importance of Auto
mobiles in the future' " continued the re
corded voice. "His interest in the auto
mobile industry, along with his teaching
abilities, earned him the nickname 'Putt
Pqtt Pendleton.' "
"Please step outside, and walk over to
the building marked 'Administration', for a
view of the 'Proclamation Date Memorial'.
Please return your earphones as you leave
the building . . ." the voice concluded.
Jenny and Grandmother stepped into
the building, and walked into a room called
the 'Proclamation Room'. A huge glass en
closed tank held the tools that destroyed
the university. Jenny looked at these odd
instruments. It was the first time she had
ever seen a pencil, let alone a whole tank
full. She shrank back in fear. About the
tank was a framed newspaper article with
the headlines:
"Surgeon General proclaims that
number two pencils cause cancer."
The author is a 1978 business admini
stration graduate from Lincoln.
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