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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (Oct. 28, 1976)
i 1 - I n 4 ! ; :' I it "'1 I 1 4 t t ,1 I 4 Third Dimension thursd3y,cctcber23, 1070 p - ; BHMMaMOnHi 7 TM' : 6k m ia , n on fl n f - -l, Xw-. ('Mill M. . .Only at the University of Nebulosity could such a fresh start be made. It's a veritable tabula rosa. . .that's Latin, you know .. :"-E!sstt Cs&x, UN L pmf.fcat, , speaking to the press. The last great battle in the War Between the Stakes was the Cadavernaugh Plan. General Jon Cadavernaugh, a youngbut-rising general in the State Legislature Army, planned and executed a brilliant plan aimed at the very core of the university. Cadavernaugh had watched the enemy operations care fully end had determined that the university would be vanquished if President Varnish's key administrators were attacked. Cadavernaugh knew this meant employing the most dreadful weapon conceived of at that time BUDGET CUT!' Knowing this would cause humanitarians and liberal arts majors alike to shudder and swear, Cadavernaugh went through with his plan, exhibiting the cold, logical hardness that only great military men and government officials seem to have. This was to become the university's finest hour. Presi dent Varnish knew that the BUDGET CUT would trim administrative salaries below the already near-starvation S 15,000 to $30,000 levels, depriving most of his closest staff of necessary luxuries. In an unexpected but brilliant maneuver, Varnish diverted the BUDGET CUT to the most unnecessary parts of the university-maintenance and student services. . Let not a tear be shed for the persecuted peons (who ; don't know their rear end from a hole in the ground any way). Instead let us applaud the originality and brilliance of strategy of the old administrators during the last hours-who were able to tell the difference. For in spite of Varnish's delaying tactics, they saw the end was inevitable. Forty top administrators resigned in the space of three days, leaving their positions to become window washers, fortune tellers and history professors. It was a display of valorous discretion unparalleled in history. Trie last to leave shouted encouragement to the huddled masses of faculty members and students awaiting their fate as he boarded the bus. "The Stout will rise again!" The students were particularly fearful, despite as surances of an adequate supply of earth shoes, good sex and warm places to do homework. Suddenly it was spring. While the Regents mulled over replacements for the administrators, terrible news arrived. A mudsplattered, bloody messenger astride a half-dead horse bore the grim tidings: The university had lost its accreditation. The weak defenses erected by the administrators had crumbled on every front. Only a small band of student Security Guards continued on this landmark war to battle . . . everyone. "Betrayal!! Woe!! Misappropriation of funds!! Bleak!!" cried the student government. Lacking a quorum, they could do little else. Biff Boffo, UNL student regent, fled only to fall captive near Savannah, Nebr. Soon the bureaucrats of occupation moved in. The full impact of "Reconstruction emerged. Students were told they were now free. Untrained for any useful jobs, they wandered aimlessly in the streets, collected unemployment and began sitting in the front of busses. Some longed for a return to security and became graduate students. Some professors, formerly kindly folks, took out their frustrations on their remaining students and began wearing red and white sheets, burning thesis papers and terrorizing the academic community. Most of I mil n the faculty members just shook their heads and mumbled inarticulately as usuaL Hoodlum scholars rode roughshod over the univer sity's best foceb all players and fQra critics. The firs alarms were removed from the dormitory-tenements, and the fra ternities' pool tables were confiscated. Armed guards patrolled the local drinking establishments and denied access to all students. Worst of all, Red was thrown out of the NCAA. In short, the carefully-balanced, ante bellum social system was thrown into disorder. From this reign of chaos was yet to emerge the greatest injury. The conquering Legislature appointed new administrators and regents to whip the university into order. Lacking any connections with area banks or con struction firms, these outsiders or "carpetbaggers as they were dubbed began running the university for per sonal gain. Shifty-eyed, sleazy individuals, they moved in and reduced student fees, dissolved the student govern ment, raised the level of scholarship and reduced the level of grade inflation. Surely, there has been no greater time of oppression of academic freedom in the history of the university. Fortunately, in history time heals all wounds. In time, the university was able to throw off the shackles of op pression. The community was held together by a sense of deep-rooted pride in what the university had been and could be again. Through hard work and dedication, the carpetbaggers were removed, one by one. - Finally the university returned to a level of greatness equaling its former glory. Exploitation of the student once again became the solid economic bass for the aca demic bureaucracy. And a new optimistic philosophy emerged , so well expressed by our current president , Kneu nuir: rramcry, my deisr, l ctonl grss a dassn. m Km m n si i " , r v. r Want fit i:::;z;::::..z:;:lz:::: f WiWta'" ttufe-. - , 'Warf- WkJ t 'A Mill V Fafetariss Evil IZvtkMrj. p&sitm a Cariolucei-likt, noi laciay ut tad ScrMsur at ? ft 9 pja. ni- dsy ft Saarday asatiaw ! Spjn. ' 1 1 cnlcr UHH SPECIAL' GUEST STAEC: Att!a at T!;s Darav. r .! t-d rs ria ifeba DrJ:, Zz a i-s icr2 Csx CScs a 76 AD- .-1 : - i i n 1 " " " , ' i I,