editorial oM
CA man scratches bottom of barrel: FBI
"Mr. Homer T. Pettibone? And you wish to
apply for employment compensation? What is
your job experience, Mr. Pettibone?"
"I'm a spy."
"Ah, yes. It seems that all we get in here these
days are unemployed auto workers and
unemployed spies. Two of our hardest hit
industries. I take it you were with the CIA?"
"Yes, for more than 20 years."
"And what exotic spots around the world did
you serve in, Mr. Pettibone? Madagascar?
Lisbon? Casablanca?"
"No, Anaheim, Omaha and Brooklyn."
"I take it you amassed a great deal of
individual information for your nation?"
"Oh, yes. Like you can't get a drink anywhere
in Disneyland, always pack your galoshes when
going to Omaha, and never, never ride the
subway after dark."
"I see. And the reason for termination of
previous employment?"
"Well, to be frank, they caught me spying on
Americans."
"Good heavens, Mr. Pettibone, that's
shocking!"
"Yes. Yes, I know. The entire country was
shocked to learn that we had compiled dossiers
on 10,000 Americans. I always said, 'If you can't
nail a Russian, nail an American.' But they had
to let all of us go."
"All of you?"
' "Well, spying's a one-on-one ballgame, you
know. So there were 10,000 of us spies, plus the
dossier filers, the secretary who made the coffee
and . . ."
"But you have seen the error of your ways?"
"Oh, yes! The very idea of a government
spying on its citizens is abhorrent in a
democracy. I can see now why it caused such a
furor. And I'm ready to come in out of the cold.
But what kind of a job am I fit for?"
"We'll determine that, Mr. Pettibone. Now, do
you operate any business machines?"
"Just the usual tape recorder, Minox
camera ..."
arthur hoppe
innocent bystander
"Do you speak any foreign languages?"
"You betcha sweet . . ."
"Other than Brodklynese?"
"Well, naturally I'm fluent in gobbledygook
and I have a smattering of grammatical English."
"Hmmm. It seems that the only position for
which your education and experience qualifies
you is spying on Americans."
"I knew it! My wretched betrayal of our
cherished democratic heritage by spying on ny
fellow citizens has doomed me to walk the
streets, alone, disgraced and jobless."
"Not at all, Mr. Pettibone. Just take this
employment application form over to the FBI."
"The FBI! But with my disgraceful record,
why would they. . ."
"You don't understand, Mr. Pettibone. While
the nation was shocked to the core at the
thought of the CIA doing a bit of spying on
Americans, the FBI is revered for doing it all the
time."
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The Christian Science Monitc
Homecoming events disturb Brantz's manager
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UNL Chancellor James Zumberge and Gary Brantz
The middle of January may seem like an inappropriate time to
discuss the subject of Homecoming Queen, but a series of events
linked to last fall's election continues to disturb me.
As many may recall, Gary Brantz was elected queen by a
substantial margin, then disqualified for alleged campaign
irregularities. Chris Evans was named queen at the Homecoming
game. Brantz challenged his disqualification in AS UN Student
Court, won his case then reqlinquised the title to Evans.
What are the hidden facts behind this series of events? As
Brantz's campaign manager, I will relate them as I understand
them.
The 10 Homecoming Queen finalists are chosen each year after
interviews before a panel of students and administrators. During
interviews, Brantz made the first cut but failed to advance to the
final 10.
Not deterred, he decided to run as a write-in candidate for two
reasons. First, interest in the election has declined steadily in.
recent years to the point where less than 2,000 students voted in
1973. Brantz thought a male candidate would heighten interest in
Homecoming, and he succeeded in this regard. By mid-afternoon of
election day, the Nebraska Union polling place had run out of
ballots.
Second, Brantz thought students might want to honor a fan,
rather than a pretty girl who might not even attend Husker athletic
events.
After Brantz made his decision to run, I checked with Gary
Hall, AS UN electoral commissioner, to make sure our campaign
plans were legal. He assured me that they were. I posted
mimeographed signs in dormitories, fraternities, sororities and
classroom buildings, the same as had been done with signs picturing
the 10 finalists. I also reserved a booth in the Nebraska Union for
election day.
Brantz and I sat in the booth, and people frequently asked
where they could go to vote, not only those voting for Brantz but
those voting for the other candidates as well. We obliged and
showed them. Others asked Brantz how to spell his name, and he
obliged in that regard, too.
Then late in the day, Brantz went to the polling place with
candidate Nancy Stohs to determine if candidates could vote.
While at the polling place, some friends came up and asked
Brantz where they could go to vote for him. He pointed out the
table and spelled his name for them. Apparently, this is the
incident which led to his disqualification.
One of the poll workers tried to talk students out of voting for
Brantz. Not wishing to cause a hassle, Brantz and I decided not to
protest.
We then were tremendously shocked when on the morning of
the Homecoming game the Lincoln Journal informed us that
Brantz had won but was disqualified. We found that Jim Eiberger,
Corncobs president, and Carolyn Grice, Tassels president, alone
had disqualified him, so we tried to convince Grice before the game
to reverse the decision. Our appeals fell on deaf ears.
Because of the unfairness with which Brantz had been treated
we appealed to the Student Court. The court ruled that neither the
ASUN electoral commission nor the two spirit groups had the
authority to disqualify a candidate without allowing that candidate
a self defense. It also held that no official election rules were in
effect at the time of the election, only guidelines, and that even if
rules were in effect, there were not enough evidence to merit a
disqualification. The ruling was unanimous in Brantz's favor.
Through all these proceedings and even' afterwards, much
hostility was directed at Brantz. That is the part that is hard for me
to understand.
Most of those who objected to his candidacy did so because
they felt it was a threat to "tradition." That feeling probably was
reinforced by the now distinct possibility that the Homecoming
Queen election will not be held this fall.
"I just don't think that the idea of a queen appeals to the
student body as a whold," Ken Bader, UNL vice chancellor for
student affairs, has been quoted as saying. If voter turnout in
recent years is an indication, he is entirely right. It seems the only
ones who vote are those who know the candiates personally.
If that is all the Homecoming Queen election has evolved into, it
needs to be done away with. Maintaining tradition for tradition's
sake is asinine. And Brantz in no way destoryed "tradition"; He
merely brought to light deficiencies that were already there.
Members' of Evans' sorority have complained that Brantz's
candidacy diverted attention from Evans. How much attention
would she have received if Brantz hadn't run? Probably not as
much as she actually did.
- Voters clearly showed a preference for Brantz, yet supporters of
Evans were still angry. Would they have been as infuriated if
another girl had beaten Evans3 And was Brantz to be blamed for
the confusion surrounding this year's election? In both cases, the
answer is no.
One last incident takes the cake. As part of its ruling, the
Student Court directed that an announcement be made at the
Nebraska-Olklahoma game concerning its decision to name Brantz
queen. Bader wouldn't allow the announcement because Evans still
had time to appeal the decision. Brantz wasn't the "official"
winner, he said.
Yet Bader had no reservations about letting it be announced to
76,000 people at the Homecoming game that Brantz had cheated
in his campaign and that Evans was queen despite the fact Brantz
still had time to appeal his disqualification. Was Evans the
"official" winner at that time?
Brantz has been treated unfairly ever since he first filed an
application, and I finally felt I should speak up in his behalf.
Perhaps this article will clear up some misconceptions and prevent
such unfairness in the future.
Dennis Onnen
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monday, january 13, 1975
daily nebraskan
page five