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Dear President: I, Joe Sikspak, American, take pen in hand
to remove a fly from your ointment. Don't can Rose Mary
Woods.
First, I thought you should. "Any secretary," I tell Paddy
down at Paddy's Place the other night, "who pushes two
wrong buttons on a tape recorder and then talks 18 minutes
on the telephone during company time without saying a word
should get the axe."
"You are leaping to conclusions, Joe," says Paddy.
"They are leaping on me," says I. "Look. It is three days
after Watergate, see? Haldeman, Ehrlichman, Mitchell and
Dean have their very first conference on this distasteful
subject. Then Haldeman goes in to report to the President
And what do they talk about on that erased tape? They are
talking. Rose Mary tells the judge, about the President's
schedule and tourism. Like, I figure, what country to flee to."
"You got to have faith in Rose Mary, Joe," says Paddy.
"Faith," says I, "and begorrah to you, Paddy. One week she
tells the judge she was 'very carefully instructed' not to erase
any tapes and she 'very carefully didn't touch that side of the
machine.' And the next week she says when she turns to
answer her phone, she very accidently pushed the red 'record'
button and then very accidentally pushed the black 'start'
button - all in one swell swoop."
"We all have our bad days, Joe," says Paddy.
"So the machine now is recording while she is on the phone
18 minutes," says I. "Only all it picks up is a hum. 'Maybe it
was a high intensity lamp,' says the White House. 'You know,
one of those ear-splitting light bulbs.'"
"The White House is wrong there, Jo;," suyb Fa'idy. " I ho "
clue is: who was calling?"
"Okay," says I. "Who?"
"The President," says Paddy. "He spend 18 minui :s tellin-j
Rose Mary What a great country this is."
"I will buy that," says I. "But what about the hum? '
"That is Rose Mary, Joe," says Paddy. "She dos what sire
always does when the President addresses her: She hums Ths
Star-Spangled Banner. "
"On one note?" says I.
"She has a very narrow range," says Paddy. "And vUn sin;
silently hangs up and silently discovers her mistake, sh.-j cjoe:.
straight to the President. 'Sir,' she soys, 'I havo at acluitjlly
destroyed the crucial jape that would fr'" p---"" your
innocenceNoTproblem,' says he. 'There's plenty r.i . iv vvi iere
that came from.' So you see, Joe, she's a cool, silent, honest
secretary who keeps things humming. Which is th u;st kind,"
"It's a fine story," says I. "But . . ."
"If you don't have faith in the President's persons!
secretary, Joe," says Paddy sternly, "who can you have faith
in?"
"The President?" says I.
"Well, Joe," says Paddy. "You got a point there."
So don't sack Rose Mary, President. Wh.-n it comes So
helpful secretaries, like you once suid, "she's one in i million."
And I'll buy that. Which shows the faith I got in you.
TiUy yours,
Joe Sikspak, American
Chronicle Features Publishing Co. 1973
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