Also-ran critics flop, thank Goder, Tolkien?
By Bruce Nelson
Through the annals of time there
been many writers who have
in their efforts to write a rrcat
no; vl. Even more unknown, however,
;r tlv; book reviewers who aspired to
.::to err penetrating analysis which
'(!! J h? a vork of art in its own
ri'ht. ci::d who failed as well.
VVIvIe lost in the library the other
.y I c :t"nc ? some old, vallcved
.. vspa;wrs in which I found come
lxv' reviews that never mac'f: it. Here
, '.,' J id Ptace by Loo Tolstoy,
reviewed by Jowjpn McCarthy
"Yep fo!ks, here it is, more
evidence that those pinko Commies
arc t'-yinij to infiltrate our country.
Why it.1.;' y?:-?erday my son told me
t r . t this book was required reading in
h:s col'sgc English class. This just
proves those professor-type
pseudo-intellectuals are all
card ecrryinq Communists.
"Now if you take a close look at
this here book you'll see that the
character Pierre Bzukhov is none
other than that oinko Commie Ike
Ei'-enhowi".1!'. Next time you have a
book burning in your neighborhood
jes' take a look at it before you toss it
in and yo'i'tl w. what I mean."
Long wit'i the Wind by Martha
Mitchell, reviewed by John Mitchell
"Wind is probably an appropriate
title co eo with f.y wife, but seriously
I am forced to admit that this is really
a terrible hook.
"For example, the symbolism of
color expressed by Scarlett's name is
so trite Xhct only my wife could think
of it. And although I humbly
acknowledge that I am Rhett Butler, I
have no idea as to the identity of that
wishy-washy and hen pecked Ashley
Wilkes. Besides, we don'f need another
book on the Civil War,
Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger,
reviewed by Billy Graham
"Dear Father who Art in Heaven,
please forgive Mr. Salinger for the deed
he has done. He knoweth not what he
writeth. But while you're doing that,
Father, I have advocated that Mr.
Salinger's hands be cut off, just as last
spring I advocated that rapists be
castrated.
So help me I mean-you, Father,
we'll stop all this sin for your glory
because we both know that all Holden
Caulfield really needed was a good
old-fashioned whipping. Amen."
The Bible reviewed by Luci Furr
"Evidence is mounting that this
book was actually written by J.R.R.
Tolkien. The evidence lies in the
endless genealogies and histories which
are so reminiscent of the Lord of the
Rings. However, this earlier work is
much poorer. The structure is bad and
the plots, if not endless, are aimless. It
seems as if the bocks Matthew, Mark
and Luke can't agree as to who did
what and when.
"The Gandalf in this book is not as
loving, for one day he may save
Hebrew children from fiery furnaces
and the next day kill 42 others for
making fun of an old man. (Notice
also, the similarities between the
words "Hebrew" and "Hobbit")
This book probably will never sell,
but it is an interesting look at
Tolkien's attempts to create the
formula he finally perfected in the
Rings trilogy."
Classless
gifts sure
to please
Uselessness is r'ic thing in Christinas gifts this year, with
rmio cuteness being the only other criterion for the "in" gift.
This list is designed with economy in mind as well as cuteness.
Some magazines, like Esquire, offer color spreads of classy
useless gifts, but they all cost over S200, except for a straw
basket which sells for $80 at Macy's.
None of that here. These gifts have no class at all, and are,
in fact, in bad taste. Rest assured, nevertheless; lots of people
would be delighted to have them.
k keld
goord
you hove my word
1 ) House junk. This stuff is intended for the young person,
probably a coiler:!; student, whose abode is decorated in the
style known as Counterciiltural Clutter, which is like Late
Victor ian, only cheaper. Some examples:
Dumb little dishes with no cigarette holes.
Rocks witfrwcolored swhls in them, which you can pick up
from along thejoad.
Polished tin cans, cheap larps and, of course, posters,
r.arrl'es and incense.
I mist f fellas
TuO EXTREMELY COMFORTABLE , I n Wftfjf ) TL. 1 0
if 005 ABSOLUTELY WATERPROOF, H 'TOirV,w f M rWO 13
U &y LOOKS LIKE A SHOE WHEN WORN H 2 t lWl ff ASXV)
i yfQ H;ANREcutARiyrn,cEo O fl I! WtMm
a A ' w. . vy. iii iwwwwwwwww limn iM F J I VA-k & 3 PkiwTr-Vi ' mfwxa n
r-wt a b4wai L:1 ff II i f IE T I n ilg II
I x t. II ...h tX rated and animated! CI
I ( J)
2) Your own art. You don't have to be an artist to get
. l ,L!. ft 1 . maamIa a .1 1 1 Lk 4.!IIaI iia4 1
away Willi iniS. IVIUSl Wltvyv ago ynsvynu ni ua uiihi iu yci a
work of art, because they think everybu-iy might as well be an
artist.
Paintings are easy. Buy a cheap watercolor set and slop out
20 or 30 abstracts. If you want to be more extravagant, buy
some colored construction paper and dribble house paint on it.
3) Semi-clothes. ID bracelets, tin broaches, bronzed insects,
tiny scarves, dickies, joke nose rings, fake fingernails and red
lace garters. For men, get bikini briefs in purple peony or red
sunflower.
4) Import bads. Import shops sell junk which is not called
junk because it is expensive and was made in foreign countries.
Many people suffer from zenophobia-phobia, and love
anything made by foreigners.
Import bads include:
Colored bottles and jars made of cheap glass. These are used
to hold matches and dead flowers.
Stinky candles. Thse are available in a variety of repulsive
shapes.
Brittle wooden toys. Thse include painted boxes with
hidden compartments, animals and unbalanced mobiles.
It's an easy era in gift-giving. People are afraid to dislike the
wrong things, today more than ever before. Not only will they
say "thank you" for anything, they will mean it. Merrv
Christmasl
Ring in a
Merry Christmas
A T
ft
f BACKSTAGE
iMENAGCRIt.
1?th K 0 Si.
OfV" c.:.:!i into
t 't'l 9
b Oixn "un.
2 DIFFERENT STYLES IN
GREEN, BLACK, BROWN,
AND BRANDY.
. N. SfcS
MARINA X T
J INTURA
Delight your love with the
sparkling splendor of a Keep
sake diamond ring. Choose
from our golden array of
styles. All guaranteed by
Keepsake and our store.
KAUFMAN'S
JEWELERS
1332 "r St.
. ,s ! "waww. -attM
if) G
daily nebraskan
Wednesday, december 12, 1973
