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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (March 3, 1972)
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The economic secrets of the universe
are under our feet, and we never look
down. Woe is us if we don't wake up
Nebraska ranks No. 1 in underground
water supply, so hold your, head up high.
The fact that we sit in such a prestigious
spot among the aquatic giants of the
nation carries a lot of heavy implications.
If we can get ourselves together to tap
into that vast reservoir we can provide a
number of vital damp services to the
citizens of the state, the country, and the
world. In future decades, with a corner
on the underground water market as the
state's top resource, we'll be able to name
a Nebraskan King of the World.
For instance, assuming that another
area of the world hasn't cornered the fire
market, we'll be able to produce more
steam than any other area. And with
underground steam at such a premium,
can underground steam baths be far
All the wrinkled people of the world
will be, forced to come to us in order to
fill their steam irons or their clothes will
never be straightened out. Quaint
steam-driven trains will have to set up
shop in our fair state or go by the
And any self-respecting clam who
aspires to a good steaming will have to
pick up and move here to realize his
So looking to the future, it seems to
me all red-blooded Cornhuskers should be
saving up matches for the day the rest of
the world runs out of underground water
and all we have to do is heat a little of
our underground stash in order to control
the lives of millions.
In addition, we can lead the nation in
practical joking. We'll have buckets of
water to put above doors long after the
other practical joke victims have dried
It's time for some backslapping,
handshaking, proposing of toasts and
generally making with a festive mood.
And to whom are all these accolades to
be directed? To us, that's who.
In addition to having our collective
finger on the pulse of the cosmos and
exercising our ability to divine the
questions of existence, the Daily
Nebraskan is an "All-American"
according to some folks we're willing to
The Associated College Press (ACP)
accorded last' semester's publication
marks of distinction (the highest rating
possible) in all five areas covered by the
AO competition. .
During the past year the Rag has been
called a lot of things, including
"pornography," by some of our critics.
It's reassuring to be able to sleep on the
knowledge that nothing's more
"All-American" than a good smut
For Your Information; Most trees do
about two-thirds of their growing during
the night, lemon juice, is sweeter than
watermelon juice, and a turtle usually
travels about 300 yards in a day.
Worst bribe in an attempt to win last
week's snappy answer contest goes to an
unnamed charlatan who put the joke on
us. To you: we lit it up and passed it
around five of us before we realized what
A note from the Wogs for Nimph
contained a terrible answer to the
punch-line, but did carry the touching
note, "We were all happy to hear that
you could breathe again."
-Space denies me the pleasure of
spewing out another asinine joke sans
punch-line but I will offer you the
opportunity to furnish a punch line for
this week's entire column. So do it, if
you're enough of an insensitive buffoon
to try it.
In the beginning there was nothingness. It was pretty bleak.
And behold out of the darkness came a shriek, a piercing,
biting laugh that broke the - nothingness. Thus God was
created. , ..
Now God willed that he should no longer be the formless
shriek, but have shape. He assumed manifold forms. He was
dust, gas, and year again, a laugh.
God became bored with himself with his manifold forms.
There it was that he made the creations of the Universe.
In the first year God created the on and off switch. And
God turned the universe on and there was light.
God said, "What, no colors?", so God invented colors and
said, "Black and white is fine, but living color is better."
Then God created nearly everything else. He created the
stars, the planets, the plants and the animals. And he said,
'This is fairly entertaining'' and laughed with a shriek that
shook the universe. For he saw that the creatures and things
performed the same actions day in and day out.
However, after 40 days and 40 nights the shriek of God
stopped. For the repetition had bored him. God said, "Verily,
there is no perversity in the universe, only repetition." With
that, God went to the heavenly play room to sustain a solution
by shaping Silly Putty.
Now God became intensely involved with the shaping of
the Silly Putty. God said, "Let us sustain another creature. We
shall call this creature man. And he shall be perpetually
unpredictable. And he shall have inherently absurd qualities,
that he might further entertain us."
And so it was man was created. Man, once on the earth did
indeed have to do absurd things. For man had to eat. And
when man caught cold, yea, he had to blow his nose. And
further, man had to leave the arena during the games to go to
the bathroom. And God laughed, shrieked, so hard, he cried,
for 40 days and 40 nights. Thus came the Great Flood.
Now after the Great Flood and the Great Laugh, God
needed yet more entertainment for his decidely perverse sense
of humor. Thus it was he said, "Men shall worship me; men
shall fawn upon me." And so man took calves up to the rock,
sacrifieced them, made big messes, built Pyramids, bowed
down on his knees, fought religious wars all in the name of
God. These events, too, only amused God for a few millenia.
Lo, God needed a new earthly diversion. When God created
man he had endowed man with drives to do certain things that
were somewhat pleasurable. God sent stone tablets to the
earth with the cammandment, "Thou shalt not do what thou
feels like, or thou shalt feel guilty and also burn for quite a
while in Hell." And God laughed mightily at this heavenly
Catch-22, for man was damned if he did and damned if he
By this time God was tired, turned off by the universe, so
he tuned it off. Thus endeth the hassle. Thus endeth the first
Book of Robert.
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FRIDAY, MARCH 3, 1972
THE DAILY NEBRASKAN
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