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Circuses
require
bread
by Arthur Hoppe
Wilbur Snathe University,
August 1, 1984-This new
university, latest jewel in the
diadem of American higher
education, - was dedicated in
appropriate ceremonies here
today.
The 116-acre campus has
been described as "the ultimate
in functional planning for the
modern university." Its
features include:
1 - A 250,000-seat stadium
suitable for football, baseball,
track, field hockey and horse
racing.
2 - An 85,000-seat arena
for indoor sports ranging from
jai-lai to roller derby.
3 - Housing for the
university's student body of
673 athletes and faculty of 347
coaches, trainers, publicists and
ticket sellers.
4 - A 107-acre parking lot.
Snathe U. represents the
culmination of a trend first
apparent in the early 1970s.
It was in August of 1971,
actually, that Wilbur Snathe
himself, then a humble
asbestos siding salesman,
noticed in the paper that the
University of Michigan had
made $200,000 renting its
stadium to a couple of
professional football teams.
In that same month, the
story said, such August
universities as California, Notre
Dame, Princeton and Yale
would also hire their stadiums
out to the pros.
It was then that Snathe had
a stroke of genius. He
immediately contacted Dean
Hiram Siwash of Siwash
University, which, like all
American colleges, was' in '
serious financial trouble.
Snathe laid the newspaper
clipping on Dean Siwash's
desk. "Lucky Michigan," said
the Dean, shaking his head.
"But our stadium only holds
48,763. I'm afraid it isn't big
enough for professional
football."
"Aha!" said Snathe, holding
aloft a forefinger. "But it's big
enough for dog racing!"
There was, of course, a
modest protest from,
hidebound old alumni about
using Siwash Stadium as a dog
track. But, as Snathe pointed
out, dog racing was just as legal
as professional football, far less
violent and, if conducted six
nights weekly, productive of
far more revenue.
Both Snathe and the
University prospered. In a year
there was enough in the till to
expand the stadium's capacity
to 150.000.
"Now, we'll rent it to. the
pros," said the Dean, rubbing
his hands, "Just like the other
great universities."
"Don't be a sucker," said
Snathe. "We'll field our own
pro team."
Again there was some
outcry when it was learned
that Siwash was paying its
players from $20,000 to
$100,000 a year. But, as
Snathe noted, virtually all
colleges had long paid their
players free room, board,
tuition and $15 a month for
laundry.
"The reason college football
is not as lucrative as
professional football," he said,
"is that you get what you pay
for. Surely, we shouldn't be
condemned for paying our
athletes a living wage."
The wise investment quickly
paid off when Siwash won the
Super Bowl, netting half a
million from the television
rights alone.
Snathe and the Dean
eventually had a falling out
over the University's Library.
The Dean knuckled under to
traditionalists and vetoed
Snathe's plan to tear it down in
favor of a massage parlor. It
was then that Snathe decided
to build his own "dream
university."
"It is the function of a
modern university," he
proudly said at today's opening
ceremonies, "to give the public
what it wants. And that we
plan to do."
The Snathe U. Gladiators
then took on the visiting Lions
before a capacity crowd. The
final score was Lions skewered,
14; Gladiators eaten, 12.
Copyright Chronicle Publishing
Co. 1971
ISP
FOR SALE
Stereo Components Discount.
Nationally Advartisad Brands.
Special Sala. Ampex AMFM
Starao Racalvar Llt $250
now-$165. Memorex Cassette
Tape. C-60-$1.70. 466-0930.
1969 Camero convertible. 4-speed.
477-6664 after 6 p.m.
1964 Corvette Convertible, metal
flake paint, 327, 4-speed, $1600.
476-7881.
1971 Sears 5-speed bicycle. Very
good condition. Best offer.
489-1636, after 6:30.
Smith-Corona Manual Typewriter.
432-5383 after 7 p.m.
Cigars for pinningt. Cliffs Smoke
Shop. 12th & O St
Studded snow tires, 6.85 x 15. Will
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2 tickets to Oklahoma game.
Contact Mike Chapman, Abel
909.
Auction Sat. Nov. 27. Granny's
funky furniture, etc. Starts at
10:30. 4527 Cleveland.
Everyone, it seems, has something to say about the Thanksgiving Day clash between Nebraska and Oklahoma-even motels.
Holiday Inns in Lincoln and Norman exchanged poetic views on the game last week.
Our Father who heads the athletic department,
Devaney be his name
Thy fieldhouse come; they will be done; on the Astro-Turf
as it is in the Unicameral
Give us this year our dozen wins and forgive us our
dropped passes as we forgive those who complete them against us.
Lead us not into overconfidence,
but deliver us from defeat
For think ,s the Big Eight and the national championship
and the Number One forever and ever. AMEN
Fairbanks is our shepherd; we shall not want.
He maketh us to run down to green endzones,
He leadeth us to the national championship.
He restoreth our spirit for Oil sake.
Yea; though we run thru a valley of corn,
We will fear no tackle for He is with us,
His coaching staff comforts us,.
He prepares a victory before us in the presence of our enemies.
Surely victory will follow us all our seasons
And we will dwell on the top of the Big Eight forever. AMEN
I J
tmif&mMi life . , v
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MP
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