O O ZD 2 1
o o
O O
h'.'-- J -. '1:. i
i cm
1' J s
WITH MAX SHULMAN
iButtu author qf Rally Round tht Ftag, Bout . . . Ooltit Gilti . . .tic.)
Prexy' s Complaint
Do you know why you haven't wen the president of your college
lately? Here's why: he quit.
You don't believe me, I see. You sneer and make coarse gestures.
But it's true all the same. Not one college president in the entire
United States came back to work this fall. They chickened out, every
last one.
A few will return: they're ju:t taking a year off to study karate.
But most aren't coming back ever. And can you blame them? What
kind of work is this for a dignified, elderly person cowering under his
desk all day long, wearing Jjullet-proof underwear, hiring food tasters,
getting into fistfights with sophomore girls?
It's hard to realize that only three or four years ago a college
president was a figure of respect and regard yea, reverence event I'll
admit of course that undergraduates were much more tractable in
those days because, as you will no doubt recall, sex and drugs had not
yet been introduced from Europe.
But even so, they were lively rascalu, yesterday's undergrads,
scampering all over campus on their little fat legs, cheering and halloo
ing, identifying lichens, conjugating verba. But no matter how en
grossed they were in their games and sports, whenever Prexy hap
pened by, they would instantly run over to kiss his vest and sing 24
choruses of the Alma Mater, Ah, it was a lovely and gracious time,
now gone, alas, forever!
Incidentally, you'll notice that I used the word "Prexy." That of
course is what college presidents are always called, as I'm sure you
know. But did you know that trustees are always called "Trixie?"
Similarly, deans are always called "Doxy" except of course in the
South where they are always called "Dixie." Associate professors of
course are called "Axy-Pixie." Hockey coaches of course are caiied
"Hootchy-Cootchy." Students are called "Algae." -
And Miller High Life is called "The Champagne of Beers." I men
tion Miller High Life because I am paid to write these columns by the
brewers of Miller High Life. They are, I must say, a very relaxed kind
of employer. They let me write whatever I want to. There's no censor
ship, no pressure, and no taboos. In fact, I don't even have to mention
Miller High Life unless I feci like it. Naturally, the brewers are a little
disappointed if I don't mention it. but they never complain. They just
smilo bravely and stop my cheek.
Today, as it happens, I do feel like mentioning Miller High Life.
And What botter way than to quote these immortal lines from Oziiman
titan by thi beloved Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, or "The StvwlMi
Nightingale," as ho was bettor known as? I quote:
M'WU U ill V'iltll hltlWK,
A tut knrpn petting iller,
Thru n irine manic hum
ft in tinm fur Millar,
M htU peppy hop?! W hat gnniru nitdtx!
S'u litwr can tfa what M iller .
thtem'p ami hurklyuu hunt waits,
And ifou love thti world, including fiuz.
Hut digress. Prexy, I ay, Is gono and nobody wants the job.
V hurt', then, will thti colleges find replacements?
Well sir, a lot of schools lately have been hiring robots. Don't
laugh; you cuu get robots today with a bald spot and everything. In
fact, I mis ntly saw one so lifelike that alumni Were giving it money.
The big trouble of course Is that after a few weeks as Prexy, anv in
ti.lllgMhl robot will say, "Who needs thi?" and become a toll booth.
And so it remains unsolved, this Prexy problem, and In future
.columns I'll t.juk Into it again, along with such other burning questions
as " Ami Monuuitti sanitary?" and "Can a student of 18 find happiness
with mi ecori professor of !()?"
Us. it s tme. , U brewers of Miller High Life Deer, are rrullu
Mtum Mm Shiftman write whatever he want in tint column. Tltttt mm.
Jlul nMring inm huar i our legal department.
Cipriano ... relaxing with experienced guards Stewart (center) and Nissen.
Husker guards best in Big 8?
Nebraska basketball coach
Joe C i p r i a n o takes a cau
t i o u s breath when he says
it, but he may have the best
guard duo in the. Big Eight.
Cip's only problem (it it can
be called that) is finding which
two guards work best together.
"Right now we're going with
experience at the guard posi
tions," explained Cipriano.
This places veterans Marv
Stewart and Al Nissen into
starting roles. "But
sophomores Tom Gregory and
Randy Watts have been looking
good and are pressing for
starting positions," continued
Cip.
Both Stewart and Niswn
have encountered early season
problems. Stewart has been
bothered by a sore knee and
missed Monday's workout
before going through light
workouts Tuesday and
Wednesday.
"Marv had the knee looked at
Monday night," offered
Cipriano, "but he won't have to
have an operation and he
claims that i t is feeling bet
ter." ' Nissen's problem has been on
the court. "Al has just been
making too many mistakes,"
pointed out Cipriano. "He
really hasn't had a good week
of practice yet. 'r
But Cipriano just feels that it
is taking Nissen a little while to
get untracked. "He's doing too
many things the way that
they're set up." explained Cip.
"You can't do that in basket
ball. You have to be able to
read things while you're out
there. But I'm sure Al (Nissen)
will come around."
With Stewart being briefly
sidelined, sophomore Tom
Gregory was given plenty of
work at the guard position. "He
looked real good," offered
Cipriano. . "He can shoot real
well from out. And Watts has
been doing a great job on
defense." ,
As for the- one remaining
forward position, Mike
Peterson appears to be the top
candidate for the job.
"Peterson's knee is better and
he's starting to realize what his
role is on this team." explained
What is Peterson's role?
"Rebounding," answered the
Husker coach. "We need board
work from our forwards and
Mike is starling to get the job
done."
M EWODEGW YOU
SAW mourn
o LOWEST PRICES ON CIGARETTES
o ICE CUBES ALWAYS READY-50' DAG
o MO BETTER GAS SOLD . . . ANYWHERE
DIVIDEND
BONDED GAS
16th & P Sts.
We Never Close
PAGE 10
THE NEBRASKAN
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER
13,
1970