Ridicu-metaphysics
Elusive Trath lies Hinder raps
by COUNTRY TED
Howdy! and salutations!
Today we have a ridicu-metaphysico-geographic
lesson
of utmost importmance as well
as the second adventure of
Possibility Man.
LESSON: Why
Nebraska is not Italy
As the great Roman writer,
Pliny the Youngest so aptly put
it, the duty of a ridicu--metaphysician
is "Mannerum
speakeasae deus staccato."
Translated: "To indicate the
ways of God to man." Any
schoolchild can tell you that
Nebraska is not Italy, but does
anyone know why? A lot of
readers have been bothered by
this; some merely curious,
some irate and belligerent. I
feel that they deserve an ex
planation. NOW, A CERTAIN.. local
merchant (I shan't mention
any names but "all that glitters
can't have been Gold) may
take Issue even to assuming
that Nebraska is not Italy, but I
believe that he and I agree that
the Colosseum of Rome and bis
fine store will stand even after
the powers of mutability have
wisped Expositione Italiana to
Souix Falls or Wbichita or
wherever.
THERE ARE several reasons
for this meta-geo graphic
dualism which concerns Italy
and Nebraska. For one thing
Nebraska has never been close
enough to boot shaped to be
Italy. Let's face it, to the Italy
Look-Alike Contest, Nebraska
was rated even behind
Panama! Nevertheless, there is
a certain pride to be taken In
this sort of Individualism.
Potential complainers would do
well to remember: "We made
our saucepan, now we have to
sit in it"
HISTORICALLY speaking,
Nebraska is not presently Italy
(among other things) because
Hannibal never crossed the
Black Hills. Historians are now
questioning if he was ever in
South Dakota at all! Taking a
specific geographic example;
Norfolk has never been Venice,
probably, because of the
limited navigation on the
Elkhorn River. The artists,
musicians, jesters, merchants,
and noblemen of Norfolk are
certainly not to be faulted in
the matter.
AT 1STH AND L Streets in
our own city, there is a very
Italian looking balcony. It's
part or the Comhusker Hotel,
and Is ' non-functional. I
, wondered if it were an example
of the egg. coming before the
chicken or of putting the cart
before the horse. I decided to
investigate, kind of an em
pirical mini-experiment in a
micro-cosm to tell if Nebraska
were Italy. I knew that in Italy
people walked around a lot
nights, and stood In the
balconies. I waited. Nothing. A
disappointed but honest scien
tist, I recorded: "13th and L;
not Italy."
We've mentioned
morphological reasons for
why Nebraska is not Italy;
likewise the historical,
geographic and sociological
ones. The last important
reasons to mention are the
mythological ones. Whatever
the value and significance of
this fact, there is just no deny
ing that Romulus and Remus
grew up somewhere else! It
has been blamed by some on
geographical factors, naviga
tion on the Missouri, for one.
Others say simply, "They may
not have liked the climate or
maybe it was something about
buffalo milk. Who knows?"
Well, there You have it; Why
Nebraska is not Italy.
The Adventures of
Possibility Man
Possibility Man says about
the coming of winter, "Gather
ye, rose bulbs, while ye may."
This is the story about:
HOW OUR HERO MET
EVERYMAN
AND DID HIS BEST
NOT TO CONFUSE HIM
It seems that Everyman, as
it is nowadays nearly a stock
joke for him to do, was out
making his way in The World
(allegorical symbol for "the
world") and searching for
Truth. He stopped one day
along the side of The Road to
take a Stone from his shoe.
Thusly engaged, he didn't
notice the approach of an aged
organ grinder (possibility man
in disguise).
"HI, THERE," said the
organ grinder, "come with me
and I'll make a monkey of
you." "No thanks," said
Everyman, "I'm looking for
the Truth." "Haven't you heard
of evolution?" asked the organ
grinder. "I'm looking for
something higher," said
Everyman. "How high can you
climb in that elm tree over .
there?" asked the organ
grinder.
"Who are you anyway?"
asked Everyman. "My name's
Whitman Barth Cromwell Ibsen
Carswell the Third." said
Possibility Man, shucking off
the disguise, "Who are you?"
"Everyman." "Glad ta meet
cha," said Possibility Man,
shaking him by the hand.
"LOOKING for Truth, huh,"
mused Possibility Man. "Yes."
"Where have you been so far?"
"I've been to talk to politicians
and anarchists and
philosophytes and musicons
and lunitives and socialists,
and perverts and crooks and
philanthropies and
psychologers and ascetics and .
. ." '-'Have you found any
Truth?"asked Possibility Man.
"Well, I don't think so." "Now,
how about, and I'm not trying
to push this on you. It might
not even be right;" began
Possibility Man, "how about
trying to fit these, your
observations. Into a met
iigsaw puzzle or totaling them
i column add-subtracuoa to
see what you get"
"THAT SOUNDS like a good
Idea," said Everyman, "but
what if the puzzle is very ugly
when complete or if maybe the
sum total of the addition is
zero?" "I think you'll be a long
time with your puzzle and your
arithmetic, said Possibility
Man, "we'll worry about the
rest, later."
"I guess maybe I'll try," said
Everyman, "Can you tell me:
what's an ice cream parlor
minus a watch repairman?"
"An automobile franchise,"
replied Possibility Man.
The maple syrup runs faster
The Vermont Senate 'strolP
by FRANK MANKIEWICZ
and TOM BRADEN
ST. JOHNSBURY - It is not every
town in the United States which calls
its library the Atheneum, and Vermont
is the only state in the union where
a man can campaign for office as GOP
Sen. Winston Prouty campaigns and ex
pect to win.
The elm trees are bare now, and only
' ' the maples and oaks provide sharp color
against the green. Vermont looks as
Vermont always has looked white
. frame houses, Civil War statuary in the
park, the gentle sweep of the Con
necticut, and Winston Prouty, taciturn,
slightly stooped, getting on in years,
campaigning as a man of property ex
pects to campaign in Vermont.
Here in St. Johnsbury he has made
his second appearance of the day. The
largest crowd ever gathered for a
political banquet in the town's history
408 people has turned out to hear
"the honored guest" who wears a white
carnation.
It is, one senses, a concession. On
his way in he shakes hands with only
three people, and there are none of
the normal political embraces. He has
rested during the afternoon, and after
the speech he is to return to the St.
Johnsbury House for more rest.
The next day being Sunday, he will
rest as a matter of course. He refuses
, questions from two local reporters,
saying he "may have a press release
during the next few days."
The speech would be called low-key
It tt were delivered before a convention
of embalamers. He departs from it to
say that he is so far ahead of his
opponent, former Gov. Phil Hoff, that
"I will win, even if I lose all the un
deckieds "
It is the old politics of he old Ver
running for office, but Prouty is not
really running. A plump, middle-aged
lady with the Vermont housewife's
slightly flushed face unconsciously ex
. plains what he is doing. "We were all
so glad," she says, "when Sen. Prouty
decided to stand for office again.
THE NEBRASKAN
It's the old politics of the old Ver
mont, and Robert Frost, if he were
alive, might detect that the failure of
the ladies personally to prepare the
banquet is the only major change from
the days of Ralph Flanders and Warren
Austin.
A few miles up the road in Newport,
a town largely built by the Prouty mills,
an entirely different politics is at work.
The handsome Phil Hoff has brought
in still another outsider, Democratic Sen.
Mike Graveil of Alaska, to praise him.
The crowd is young, with just a sprinkl
ing of that familiar and aging type,
the "aginer" who in Vermont once made
up the minuscule Democratic Party.
The oratory is of change and of the
future. It is heavy on economics, and
there are many references to the poor
who are plentiful and whom Hoff may
bring out to vote for the first time.
After the speaking, there is a jig to
violins. The young people are bright,
clipped, informed and enthusiastic.
In three campaigns for governor, Hoff
has created a viable Democratic Party
by attracting Republicans tired of
representatives who "stood" and anxious
to do something.
Hoff did a lot. He gave Vermont its
first highway system, its first respec
table social programs. Its first drive
for tourism. He so turned the state
around that it even began to grow in
population. .
But he may have done too much,
and he may be doing too much.
Vertnonters admire both deed and effort,
but not when they show.
The list of luminaries he has brought
in to campaign may be a little showy. -His
honest admission that -he once had
a drinking problem an admission
dismissed in other states as human is
in Vermont embarrassing instead. .
A victory for Hoff would add a bright .
star to the Senate and give his state
a national figure of intelligent activism.
But Vermont, being Vermont, changes
slowly, and in the past those wno stand
for office usually win. v
PAGE 5
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 30, 1970
