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PAGE 8
Everything but cat food
Lost items? find Nebraska Hall
Anything from cats to car
keys may turn up at the
University Lost and Found
Department, located in
Nebraska Hall.
"We get somewhere between
ten to twenty items turned in
per week," said Supervisor
Koijert L, Cunning. "These
articles are usually brought in
by the custodians and Campus
Police. We had to refuse the cat
because we didn't have any cat
food."
Glasses, rings, ..clothing,
books, and notebooks fill boxes
and shelves in the department.
All items are kept for one year,
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except glasses and rings.
At the beginning of each
school year the unclaimed
articles are sent to Lincoln
Welfare to be . distributed.
"We have a 90 per cent
return rate on articles of high
value," said Cunning. "On
notebooks we return as few as
10 per cent of them. People
don't seem to miss their
notebooks until exams come
around."
He said books and other
items with identification in
them are mailed to their
owners. Books with no names
in them have only -about a 20
per cent return rate, Cunning
added.
To claim an article a student
should go to the Lost and
Found window, first floor of
Nebraska Hall, or call 472-2532.
Cunning . . . Cats, car keys, clothing.
Free University Covrst
in
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Harper Hall
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Can Parietal Rights Bring Happiness?
The second most serious problem currently facing our troubled
campuses is the problem of parietal rights. (The first most serious
problem of course is the recent outbreak of moult among sorority
house canaries.)
Let us today look for answers to the parietal rights problem, for
that is the purpose of these columns: to analyze the dilemmas that vex
our colleges, to seek feasible solutions. I write them for the brewers of
Miller High Life Beer. In return they pay me money. That is the
American way. It has made this country great.
But I digress. A parietal right, as you know of course, is the right
of a student to keep a parietal in his room. A parietal, as you know of
course, is a small North American marsupial somewhat like a chip
munk in appearance but actually a species of fur-bearing herring
(mutatis mutandis).
Naturally you all want to keep a parietal in your room. Not only1
are they endlessly cheerful alwavs
their little binaries but they're smart too. They're not as smart as
dogs of course, but they cub readily learn simple tricks like fetching
your slippers or parsing a sentence.
But the main reason you want a parietal is because they eat noth
ing but beer cans. I promise you, friends, you get yourself a healthy
adult parietal and you'll never again have to lug empties to the trash
barrel. And of course the better the beer can, the more he'll eat, which
of course accounts for the popularity of Miller High Life on every
campus. Obviously a beer as good as Miller is bound to come in a can'
of the same superb quality. And that's what Miller has-superb qual
ity. Also malt and hops and water and a marvelous brewing formula
that's been kept secret for generations. In fact, this formula is so secret !
that it's known only to the chief brewmaster and he is never allowed
to leave the brewery. So if you ever find yourself in Milwaukee, look
up his wife.
But I digress. A healthy adult parietal, I was saying, will eat his
t- , "l M'1Ier beer cans every day' However you drink your
Miller in bottles -as millions do, and no wonder, for who is not tempted
by such sparkling amber goodness in such crystal-clear bottles? Eh?
Vho is not?-if, I say, you drink your Miller in bottles, I have to tell
you that panetals won't help. They don't eat bottles. In fact, the only'
pet that does is the scaly bursar (taramna newjersua), but take my
advice: don't get one. The scaly bursar at best is a beast of sluggish
demeanor and uncertain temperament. Oh, sure, sometimes it will play!
a little Monopoly when it's In the mood, but mostly it just lays around'
grooming its addenda. Moreover, it's given to suddep fits of pique and
may tusk you without warning.
But I digress. Why, you ask, won't the dean let you keep a parish
tal in your room? I'll tell you why: the parietal, a nocturnal animaU
sleeps only by day. At night it is always awuke and-here'a the rub-
during its waking hours it utters a loud, guttural croak approximately
once every 2! j seconds, ft Hill in r! mmutltiM.f D.....L ft 1. i
well, naturally when r.v lm . .
down the corridors, every proctor In the dormitory leaps out of bod
and comes running. Last year alone mors than 30,000 of them wrs!
killed tripping on their nightshirts.
And so, dear friends, you see that the dean ion hare a point !
Sk t y,U cP dWn your ir"nad, nd hav nnlnful diatofusS
wita nim7 Sweet reason can still save your eollegs. Don't lot it to the
way of so many others-abandoned hulks today, stark and silent on-
pl - y UDdn ,choln 10 th9 niht: "or . . . rZl.Tt
Wt, th, br,w,TM of Miller High Lifr Brt disnmrdina 0 anuLi
v
THE NEBRASKAN
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 29, 1970