Possibility
an meets
ad Masochist
M
the M
The Mulberry Mountain Rldicu
Metaphysics
Featuring:
Episode II: The Adventures Of
Possibility Man
Hell-o, again, Country Ted here. We've
got a real fine batch of metaphysics
cooked up for you today as well as
the second episodefirst adventure of that
epistilic and universital hero, Possibility
Man.
Before we get on to today's story,
I want to tell you about an eighty-seven
year old man I met the other day.
Whenever I see people who look
particularly old and venerable (or either
of the above) I stop and ask them
if there is any particular bit of wisdom
they'd care to give me; in short, if
they would like to summarize sixty to
one hundred years of life in one clear
and ridiculous sentence, maybe even a
catchy phrase.
Anyway, I went up to this old
gentleman and said, "I hear you're
eighty-three years old; has life revealed
to you any wisdom that you would like
to pass on? any philosophy for daily
living?" "Yes," the octogenarian
started, a glow beginning to extend itself
radially from his black, alert eyes, "I'm
seventy-nine years old, and I've seen
a lot of strange and curious things in
those eighty-five years. I remember
when I was a kid, I used to take each
day the way I took the stairs: wo
at a time, then later it was like the
elevator: I didn't pay any attention ut
about once a month or so.
Of course, now that's all changed;
I walk with a cane and take each stair
as it comes. Sometimes I spend as much
as thirty to forty five seconds on one
day." "Well, that's quite a philosophy,"
I said, "do you have any particular
ambitions?" "Yes," he said, "I want
to live to be sixty."
Possibility Man Meets Mad Masochist
Last time, as you may recall,
Possibility man didn't do jack-stuff. But,
like, for you skeptics "(sceptics?) (scep
tiks?) How could he? it was just the
introduction.
This docudemented story comes to us
thanks to The Association of English
Perverted Historians Press and Little
Gory Books.
Once upon a time there was an evil
genius whose diabolical joy was suf
fering. He would punish himself if he
had to but when possible he liked to
add the humiliation and variety of conn
ing someone else into "wielding the
whip." Dying was too good for him,
he thought; so, evil genius that he was,
he invented a potion to enable him to
suffer forever. Drinking it he said these
words: '
"With thee .I'll never smile on hell's
sweet patch,
But! might have gone to heaven; Down
the hatch!"
During the Middle Ages, dressed, as
a monk, he went from monastery to
monastery confessing to sins he hadn't
committed and being beaten, snickering
with every thump. He went to Finland
to take half-sauna baths. He practiced
withchcraft in Salem, Massachusetts. He
became a gourmet cook and spent the
winter at Valley Forge. He bought
government issue blankets from the In
dians during the westward expansion
movement. That sort of thing. No one
ever knew his name; he preferred the
pain of anonymity and came to be known
by those he loved (those who hated
him) as the Mad Masochist.
Drinking wine with his buddies on
skid row one day, Possibility Man heard
tell of this strange character. Shaking
the bottle resolutely (thinking it was
his own head) he said. "Either he knows
somethin' I don't know, or I know
somethin' he don't know or some com
bination of the above." "So, he said
spilling more than a few of the precious
drops, "Im going to have to have a
chat with this character."
Possibility Man found the Mad
Masochist a few miles west of Waco.
Untying him from the tracks, he asked,
"Shucks man, what makes you want
to do that sort of thing?" "I'm evil,"
Mad Masochist replied. "No
shi . . . kiddin', but what's new?" said .
Possibility Man. "Man is absurd," said
Mad Masochist, "and basically evil.
Chastising myself in this absurdly evil
way, I become more human. My
humanity is more precious to me than
is my sleeping bag of nails which I
carry with me always." "Now stop that
kind of talk before I beat your brains
out," warned Possibility Man. "OOPS,"
He corrected, "Before I DON'T beat
your brains out." "Yes," cried Mad
Masochist, "don't do it: deprive me!"
Possibility Man was beginning to un
derstand the problem. ''Look,
Mad . . . may I call you by your first
name? . . . man is absurd, right?"
"Yes," agreed Mad Masochist. "And you
want to become more human do you
not?" Possibility Man went on. "Of
course," the masochist replied, "I
already told you so." "Well, then," our
hero pressed on, "I hate to tell you
this, but your absurd self punishment
is, how shall I say it, only logical.
"If you want to become more absurdly
human," concluded Possibility Man,
"you'll have to cut but this masochistic
crap." "I guess you're right," said the
ex-masochist a bit sadly. "Well," said
Possibility Man, "Id better get home
before those winos finish the half-gallon
of fine Gallo port I left there; one
of the responsibilities of not being a
masochist. Keep a clean nose," said
Possibility Man, who didn't like to say
"Good-by."
"Oil, I will," said the ex-masochist,
"unless I honestly and sincerely don't
want to."
Stay tuned for the further adventures
of
POSSIBILITY MAN
Recent studies by the A.E.P.H. have
failed to prove whether he was first
a pervert, then a genius, then evil;
first evil, then a genius, then, a pervert;
first a genius, then a pervert, then evil,
etc.
r i it
L"HTVEC
Give the cold shoulder
to winter in a Woolrich
Norfolk Jacket.
In ribbed or uncut corduroy with wool tartan lining. Gets you
the custom treatment in detachable cartridge belt, patch
pockets. Get into it and light someone's fire. Sizes: 36 to 46.
Regulars and longs. About $40. Prep's 12 to 20. About $35.
;
V lUUiiuuL Featured at: r
MONDAY, OCTOBER 19, 1970
THE NEBRASKAN
PAGE 5
