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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (Oct. 19, 1970)
Possibility an meets ad Masochist M the M The Mulberry Mountain Rldicu Metaphysics Featuring: Episode II: The Adventures Of Possibility Man Hell-o, again, Country Ted here. We've got a real fine batch of metaphysics cooked up for you today as well as the second episodefirst adventure of that epistilic and universital hero, Possibility Man. Before we get on to today's story, I want to tell you about an eighty-seven year old man I met the other day. Whenever I see people who look particularly old and venerable (or either of the above) I stop and ask them if there is any particular bit of wisdom they'd care to give me; in short, if they would like to summarize sixty to one hundred years of life in one clear and ridiculous sentence, maybe even a catchy phrase. Anyway, I went up to this old gentleman and said, "I hear you're eighty-three years old; has life revealed to you any wisdom that you would like to pass on? any philosophy for daily living?" "Yes," the octogenarian started, a glow beginning to extend itself radially from his black, alert eyes, "I'm seventy-nine years old, and I've seen a lot of strange and curious things in those eighty-five years. I remember when I was a kid, I used to take each day the way I took the stairs: wo at a time, then later it was like the elevator: I didn't pay any attention ut about once a month or so. Of course, now that's all changed; I walk with a cane and take each stair as it comes. Sometimes I spend as much as thirty to forty five seconds on one day." "Well, that's quite a philosophy," I said, "do you have any particular ambitions?" "Yes," he said, "I want to live to be sixty." Possibility Man Meets Mad Masochist Last time, as you may recall, Possibility man didn't do jack-stuff. But, like, for you skeptics "(sceptics?) (scep tiks?) How could he? it was just the introduction. This docudemented story comes to us thanks to The Association of English Perverted Historians Press and Little Gory Books. Once upon a time there was an evil genius whose diabolical joy was suf fering. He would punish himself if he had to but when possible he liked to add the humiliation and variety of conn ing someone else into "wielding the whip." Dying was too good for him, he thought; so, evil genius that he was, he invented a potion to enable him to suffer forever. Drinking it he said these words: ' "With thee .I'll never smile on hell's sweet patch, But! might have gone to heaven; Down the hatch!" During the Middle Ages, dressed, as a monk, he went from monastery to monastery confessing to sins he hadn't committed and being beaten, snickering with every thump. He went to Finland to take half-sauna baths. He practiced withchcraft in Salem, Massachusetts. He became a gourmet cook and spent the winter at Valley Forge. He bought government issue blankets from the In dians during the westward expansion movement. That sort of thing. No one ever knew his name; he preferred the pain of anonymity and came to be known by those he loved (those who hated him) as the Mad Masochist. Drinking wine with his buddies on skid row one day, Possibility Man heard tell of this strange character. Shaking the bottle resolutely (thinking it was his own head) he said. "Either he knows somethin' I don't know, or I know somethin' he don't know or some com bination of the above." "So, he said spilling more than a few of the precious drops, "Im going to have to have a chat with this character." Possibility Man found the Mad Masochist a few miles west of Waco. Untying him from the tracks, he asked, "Shucks man, what makes you want to do that sort of thing?" "I'm evil," Mad Masochist replied. "No shi . . . kiddin', but what's new?" said . Possibility Man. "Man is absurd," said Mad Masochist, "and basically evil. Chastising myself in this absurdly evil way, I become more human. My humanity is more precious to me than is my sleeping bag of nails which I carry with me always." "Now stop that kind of talk before I beat your brains out," warned Possibility Man. "OOPS," He corrected, "Before I DON'T beat your brains out." "Yes," cried Mad Masochist, "don't do it: deprive me!" Possibility Man was beginning to un derstand the problem. ''Look, Mad . . . may I call you by your first name? . . . man is absurd, right?" "Yes," agreed Mad Masochist. "And you want to become more human do you not?" Possibility Man went on. "Of course," the masochist replied, "I already told you so." "Well, then," our hero pressed on, "I hate to tell you this, but your absurd self punishment is, how shall I say it, only logical. "If you want to become more absurdly human," concluded Possibility Man, "you'll have to cut but this masochistic crap." "I guess you're right," said the ex-masochist a bit sadly. "Well," said Possibility Man, "Id better get home before those winos finish the half-gallon of fine Gallo port I left there; one of the responsibilities of not being a masochist. Keep a clean nose," said Possibility Man, who didn't like to say "Good-by." "Oil, I will," said the ex-masochist, "unless I honestly and sincerely don't want to." Stay tuned for the further adventures of POSSIBILITY MAN Recent studies by the A.E.P.H. have failed to prove whether he was first a pervert, then a genius, then evil; first evil, then a genius, then, a pervert; first a genius, then a pervert, then evil, etc. r i it L"HTVEC Give the cold shoulder to winter in a Woolrich Norfolk Jacket. In ribbed or uncut corduroy with wool tartan lining. Gets you the custom treatment in detachable cartridge belt, patch pockets. Get into it and light someone's fire. Sizes: 36 to 46. Regulars and longs. About $40. Prep's 12 to 20. About $35. ; V lUUiiuuL Featured at: r MONDAY, OCTOBER 19, 1970 THE NEBRASKAN PAGE 5