Suppository
by DANIEL LADELY
I am saying goodbye to all you lovely people in this, my
last column for the Rag. I am saying goodbye and thank you
for all the wonderful memories I have of my last four years
of incooperation at the University of Nebraska. I am saying
goodbye and thank you to Lincoln, to Nebraska, to Amerika.
I am making my last farewells and then departing from this
world by the most appropriate method I can think of I am
going to sit on a six foot long, four feet wide giant sup
pository. First of all and most importantly, I want to thank Tricky
Dicky Nixon for doing more work to destroy Amerika than
all the campus radicals, Black Panthers, black militants, Jerry
Rubins, Abbey Hoffmans, communists, Klu Klux Klan mem
bers, religious organizations more than all those anarchists
all combined. That is what he will go down in the annals of
history as his one greatest accomplishment.
Secondly, I want to thank the University administration
for doing their best to catalogue and file us all and reducing
us all to the equivalence of a number.
My heartfelt thanks goes to Captain Gadde and the boys
on the Campus Police Force for giving me so many tickets
for parking illegally behind the Union this past semester. I
also want to thank them on behalf of the University Job Pool
workers for not giving them any tickets for parking in the
same illegal areas while they have their coffee breaks every
morning. It gives me a warm feeling to know that only students
can break the law on this campus.
I want to take this opportunity to thank Clif Hardin for
leaving and I also want to thank Durward Varner for coming.
I am especially thankful to all the Mexican farmers who
work so diligently to provide us with some of the best
Marijuana you can smoke and thanks must go to the border
patrol for being so inefficient that the grass just keeps coming
and coming and coming. Also thanks to the people in SWAT
POT for eradicating all that poor grade Nebraskan grass that
dishonest dealers keep trying to sell us.
I want to thank Mr. Bennett and all the Union staff for
being so friendly, cooperative and helpful to the students who
find this Union a home away from home while we are here
at the University. I like to kind of think of the Union as the
USO Club of the University.
I would really like to personally thank all those people
who made it possible for the Yippies to lose the ASUN elections
if I could only find you. Your voice clearly echoed off the ivy
covered walls of this proud, old establishment and thy will
be done.
I want to thank the AACS for sparing us from all that
racism not to mention the boring, hokey plot of "Tarzan the
Ape Man." Johnny Wiesmueller would have been proud
after all, he didn't know any better at the time.
Thanks to ASUN, CSL, Faculty Senate, Union Board,
AWS, IFC, IDA and all those other wonderful campus
organizations for all their wonderful, enlightening and
educational services and projects they have provided us with
during the past few years. You all have made the campus
progress so far inspite of itself.
.Thanks tc the Centennial College for turning our campus
into a playground. It is just a pity that the rest of us can't
play too.
Thanks to the Unicameral, the Governor and the entire
state government for making this such a wonderful state to
live in. I mean, where else can you find more educated cattle
and pigs and chickens to relate to?
A great big thank you goes to Casey's bar for making
my life here at the University quite a bit easier and much
more pleasant.
And last, but certainly not least, I want to take this op
portunity to thank the Daily Nebraskan staff for keeping the
campus community so Informed and entertained throughout
the years. You, more than anybody, have provided the Impetus
and incentive for our educational experience. You have always
f y 4ifef M r &
4W A WHILE WU 1 WA5 DOWN
reported the news so factually and in such good taste that
it has oftentimes made me sick.
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. It has been a most pleasurable
four years and these people and events have made it extremely
easy to sit on that giant suppository and breathe a sigh of
relief.
Mr. Hope: finger on the heart
by ARTHUR IIOPPE
Bob Hope, who is a commedian,
told a patriotic rally in Boston that
he backs Vice President Agnew in
his attacks on the news media. "A
lot of people are disillusioned by the
media about the war," said Mr. Hope,
"and it is not right." '
Mr. Hope has put his finger on
the heart of the whole problem.
Where did the vast majority of
Americans get the idea that this war
was a lousy, rotten, senseless war?
From reading about it in tho
newspapers.
What's needed, obviously, is not a
change in the war, but a change in
the media:
PRESIDENT NIXON today was
considering reversing his entire troop
withdrawal policy following vigorous
srotests from G.I.s fighting in Viet
nam. "He can't bring us home now,
complained Private Oliver Drab,
PAGE 4
Interviewed during the gallant seige
of the major enemy hamlet of Whar
Dat. "Most of the boys haven't even
been over here a year.
"This has been our finest hour.
There's nothing back home that beats
stemming the tide of Communism in
Southeast Asia. We want to stay and
see this thing through to final vic
tory." "That's right," agreed his buddy,
Corporal Partz. "Besides, we couldn't
bear leaving our wonderful Viet
namese allies tho peasants who
cheer us everywhere, the Saigon bar
owners who ply us with free drinks,
the ARVN soldiers who courageously
lead every charge. Please don't make
us leave them in the lurch."
The soldiers' protests were backed
up on campuses across the country
as students staged peaceful rallies
under the slogan: "Remember our
boys In Vietnam and let's keep them
therel"
Many also urged lowering the draft
age to 11 "We aren't old enough
to drink, nor old enough to vote,"
said one young radical, "but, by golly,
we're old enough to fight for our
country on the ramparts of
freedom."
On Wall Street, reports that the
President might send even more
troops to Vietnam sent the stock
market soaring to new record highs.
"THANKS TO this glorious war, the
Jconomy's booming," explained a
financial expert. "Why, if we brought
a half a million American boys home
from Vietnam, there might be some
unemployment and maybe even
who knows a little inflation. Just
out of selfishness alone, we've got
to keep this wargoing."
Ghetto dwellers felt much the same
way. "We realize the war means less
money for poverty programs," said
militant leader Stokely H. Rapp, "but
It's worth it. The only thing that's
prevented ghetto riots is the ghetto
dweller's knowledge that he's doing
his bit to keep President Thieu and
Vice President Ky in office in
Saigon."
The chief obstacle to sending more
American troops to Vietnam is
President Thieu himself. The
universally-beloved leader has long
secretly hoped the U.S. would with
draw all aid and allow the Viet
namese to fight the war on their
own.
Only his reluctance to offend the
well-meaning Americans has
prevented him from demanding their
Immediate withdrawal and . . .
AND SO ON. But you can't blame
Mr. Agnew and Mr. Hope for being
mad at the newspapers. It's human
nature. You know what kings have
lone for centuries to messengers who
bring bad news.
Of course, Instead of blaming the
newspapers, it might make more
tense for Mr. Agnew and Mr. Hope
to lie In wait for their friendly,
treckle-faced little newspaper delivery
boy.
And when they catch him, they
could chop off his bead. v
MONDAY MAY 4, 1970
THE DAILY NEBRASKAN