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Page 4
THE PINK SHAFT
Monday, April 1, 1963
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By SPORTS SOMETHING
Athletic director Lippy Phi
contemplating his former sal
ary of $50 per year plus
tips, announced today that Ne
braska Is dropping all inter
collegiate athletics because
of the extreme liberality of
the practice.
Professor Seymour S. Siga
foos was misquoted as say
ing, "We all know of the thou
sands of dollars and hours the
communists have spent on
sports, and we certainly don't
want to be like them."
Sigafoos mentioned the Uni
versity of Mississippi Rebels,
undoubtedly a devationistic
aggregation somewhat less
than 100 red-blooded Ameri
can, the Cincinnati Reds, the
Corning, Iowa, Red Raiders,
the Chinese Bandits of Loui
siana State, and other such
suspicious sounding athletic
teams.
Curling coach Hal Ogen,
who is also an associate pro
fessor of chemistry, made the
following remarks: "Recently
I drove east on Vine Street
from 12th to 14th Sts, north
on 14th to Avery Avenue, west
on Avery to 10th Street, and
south on 10th past the sta
dium. The Coliseum, men's
physical education building,
and stadium were all on the
left side of the street. Think
of the effect on our helpless
youth."
It is rumored (We say this
when we are making some
thing up and want it to sound
pseudo-authentic ) that the
state cocK-tignung lobby in
tends to purchase Memorial
Stadium to use as a cock
fighting arena if legislation
permitting cock-fighting is
ever passed, which is unlike
ly. The football practice field,
Coliseum, men's physical edu
cation building, and the Ag
College gymnasium and athlet
ic fields will besold to local,
Diffen Leads Truck Assault
Organizes Revolt At MU
By QUERY ANDTHENSOME
In the early predawn light,
a group of footballers, led by
Huckster Monty Diffen,
charged a Robert's Diary
truck as it lay unsuspecting
in its Nothing Street lot The
truck was captured success
fully and led away and con
ducted on a guided tour of
the city, escorted by city of-
ticials.
la a statement later Diffen
stated that it was all a part
of a new football honorary
based on principles similiar
to those of the DiPhis. The
club meets once a week to
debate the merits of inebria
tion. After considerable pros
and cons (mostly pros as the
club is highly biased), the
club devles into other areas
of endeavors in which the
group excels.
Tha attack on the unarmed
diary truck was the result
of a night of heavy activity in
which the discourse of intoxi
HUSKSTER LEADS AS
SAULT Huckster tackle
Diffen organized a charge
on the recent assault of a
Robert's Diary truck as it
tat unsuspecting in its Noth
ing street lot.
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With Liberal Practices
realtors, to be used as housing
developments, trampoline
centers, birch tree acreages,
etc., according to Mr. Harry
Aghho.
The Cornhuckster coaches,
who all have winning ree
ords and who have all an
nexed at least four Big Eight
championships in the past
five years, were extremely
disappointed by the decision.
Jed Throttlebottom, still
as lean and trim as during
nis cness and Scrabble careei
at Moan College, has offered
300 like-net table tennis balls
for sale cheap. The limit is
one to a customer unless you
want more than that, and you
must be accompanied by a
parent unless you are over
four.
New water polo coach Sob
VanDeigny, who last fall pi
loted the Hucksters to nine
wins and only two drowned
players, expressed his ex
treme regret at such a de
cision. As he is a highly
sought after coach, he will
probably be offered a lob by
the California Institute of
Oceanography at La J o 1 a,
which has one of the largest
water-polo practice fields in
the world.
Jake Jock, 587-pound foot
ball center from Gillett, Wy
oming (He s a real pal, a true
gem, very chic, and no little
shaver), had the following
remarks to make: "This is
my biggest shock since I
found out that the week be
fore classes is known as Rush
Week instead of Lush Week.
I guess I'll just have to go
to IOU, which pays room,
board, tuition, and $500 a
month for books whether you
read or not."
All other athletes will re
sign from the University en
masse and enroll at the Iowa
Institute of Misogyny. The
coaches are undecided about
their future plans. Bony Harp,
Hank Beguine, and Fos Fates
may work for Professor Sledd.
He needs some runners.
cation was particularly long
and involved. The club soon
died out due to the lack of
administration support but
Diffen passed the format on
to friends in Columbia, Mis
souri. There at the University of
Missouri, the information was
given to Bonnie Bowlin, star
halfback of the Fitful Figers.
They at once recognized the
merits of the f o r m a t and
formed their own club and
based it on the principles of
midnight auto supply. Coach
Ran Revine, in a statement
after the club's efforts had
been exposed, hoped that the !
froup would get back into the
fitful fold soon.
DON'T READ
NEBRASKAN
WANT ADS!
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FANS AND BANDS New Huckster fans turnsports and subsequent announcement of the
out for the first annual Memorial Stadium purchase of the stadium by the state cock
cock fights after Lippy Phi's announcement fighting lobby,
of the cessation of Huckster intercollegiate
Sportswrifers C hail en
ornhuckst
osf
o
The Rag sportswriters have
challenged the Cornhuckster
varsity to a basketball game,
with all proceeds, if any, go
ing to the John Birch Society.
Naturally there will be a
handicap system in effect.
Sports editor Query Andthen
some will not use his hands.
Assistant Sick Lewd will be
blindfolded and will not be
notified of the game time or
site.
Fabulous forward (former
ly center) Blury Bashman is
expected to be the star of the
game as usual and should
easily score 150 points even
though he won't be allowed to
pass, dribble, or shoot.
The same restrictions hold
true for Dip Fakin and Fan
Lack, the remaining two
pencilpushers who have not
yet been relieved of duty on
the Rag.
The varsity will be allowed
ten fouls per man per quar
tor with the stinulation that
a technical foul be called
whenever a sportswriter is
-jOSOf?
killed or severely maimed.
As yet there have been no
charges of gambling, fixing,
or point-shaving, but next
year's Pink Rag will be quick
to libel any suspects we can
come up with if we haven't
forgotten the incident entire
ly. Many will remember that
the Raggers have won the
grudge match for the past 32
years by forfeit. Last year
referee, Pin Stripe, disallowed
the varsity's protest as usual.
When the Cornhucksters
showed up at the YWCA at 3
a.m. (Raggers had been al
lowed to select the time and
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One
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wish ixy zr-
COULD i if'
AFFORD YkC
ANEW M;'"p
CAR!
'H'f iff 1
HERE'S HOW YOU CAN HAVE
THAT NEW CAR YOU WANT:
You Name It And
We Will STEAL It.
Call
JOHNNY WOLAND
Auto & Tire, Co.
Columbia, Missouri
in
place), a police officer ar
rested them for violating a
University curfew. The curses
were far from few.
The varsity's probable line
up is:
Dead Pannen
Often Grabby
Peril Putsch
Barley Bones
111 Intent
Fan ("Boom-Boom") Lack
will play center for the Rag
gers and will undoubtedly be
the center of attraction. In the
likely event that Bashman
scores all of the points as us
ual, his four teammates will
form a private cheering sec
tion. The improbable lineup:
Blury Bashman, 5'10", For
ward. Sick Lewd, 4'8", Even
more forward. j
Fan Lack, 4'6", Center. I
Query Andthensome, 3'9",
Guard.
Ick Fakin, 4'4", Guard. !
The Raggers have an aver
average IQ of 55. When asked
if they thought they would
win, they chorused in unison,
"What me worry?"
Denied
Liberalify
World Herald Writer
Criticizes Sports Page
BY SIC LEWD
Be denied, prominent
World- Herald sports writer,
charged Friday that the Pink
Shaft's sport page contain too
much liberalism.
Denied distributed a 32
page pamphlet at a recent
meeting of the Nebraska
Press Association that at
tacked the Pink Shaft Sports
Eidtor Query Anthensome
with suppression of conserva
tive' sports coverage.
Denied pointed out that the
Shaft did not support the
recent successful Nebraska
basketball season. In addi
tion, the pamphlet claimed
that basketball players of this
year's team were underated
in the Pink Shaft columns.
Denied wrote a local Ne
braska sports writer, Dried
Sweet, that he would entertain
a motion to the Nebraska Re
gents to conduct a compre
hensive survey of the Shaft
sports staff.
A personal survey by denied
has revealed that a picture
of Abraham Lincoln hung on
the wall of the Shaft Sports
Editors office. Denied pointed
out that the picture probably
promoted undue liberal in
fluence.
Yo-Yo Champ
Competes
Arabella Airedale, yo-yo
champion of the women's "phy
sical education department,
has challenged any University
male to a match this spring.
"Women have been consid
ered insignificant long
enough," she said. "I aim to
prove that men can easily be
out-yo-yoed. After minutes of
practice, I have perfected my
style and am confident that
I can beat any mere male."
Yo-yo competition has been
neglected in the University
sports schedule, Miss Aire
dale feels. "I hope that Lippy
Phi, athletic director will
recognize the merits of yo-yo
competition and add it to the
schedule." she said.
"Hey Joe, I think
damn thing black
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Blury Bashman Grabs
H If f f CjI aaIian
Aff-ufifversiiy jcicuiuu
Four Others Fill
All IM Cagers
Freshman Blury Bashman
disdaining all fraternities, liv
ing units, organizations, and
such collections of lesser
mortals, is a unanimous se
lection to the Pink Shaft All
University intramural basket
ball team. ,
Reportedly offered from
$300,000 to $500,000 by the oth
er seven Big Eight schools to
come play varsity basketball,
Bashman has refused because
of his dislike of their crass
ness. Nebraska's ex-coach Lush
resigned, despite the fervent
pleas of Athletic Director Sic
to stay, because he could not
interest Bashman in varsity
basketball.
The brilliant Bashman, who
stands only 5'10" tall and
weighs 145 pounds, scored ev
ery single point for the Uni
corns, a minor team he gra
ciously consented to use his
multitudinous talents for.
Averaging 156 points per
game, with a high of 204
points, Bashman also grabbed
every single defensive and of-
f e n s i v e rebound in every
game in which he played. .
Coach George Ireland of
Loyola University of Chicago,
this year's NCAA national
champions, has admitted that
Bashman is being groomed at
Nebraska to succeed him as
head basketball coach at Loy
ola, unless the University of
Cincinnati should top L o y
ola's opulent offer.
A straight "9" student car
rying his usual 36 semester
hours, Bashman has a re
markable 388 IQ. He holds
the all-time record scores on
the Scholastic Aptitude Test
and all Achievement Tests,
the Preliminary Scholastic
Aptitude Test, the American
College Tests, the N a t i o n
al Merit Scholarship Tests
and the Nebraska Regents
Scholarship test.
Bashman is anxiously await
ing the baseball season, since
he has pitched 344 no-hitters
and a one-hitter ("my worst
game ever") and hits .895.
we're going to have to
now!"
A J is i-J . i
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Bashmen, Unanimous se
lection Blury Bashman,
versitile NU freshman was
selected to the All-Univer-"
sity IM cage squad despite
wide-spread portests of di
rector Red Roundbottom
who said that the Rag was
partial to the city slickers.
Bashman may switch to golf
this year instead though ,-v
occasionally shoots as high es
70 and is lucky to make one
hole-in-one per week.
Four other guys complete
the team, but they aren't real
ly very important.
paint the whole