Monday, April 1; 1963
' THE PINK SHAFT
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An 'Ignominious1 Failure
REGENT BEERBLAST-Of late "Doc" Elliot has resort
ed to wearing an eyepatch because his eye was put out
by Rosie La Rue at a recent beer blast. It seems that
Rosie, who was under the influence of Old Saratoga,
grabbed a red-barbed purple shaft and gouged his eye
out while they were quietly "budding" (not flowering) in
the backseat of Rosie's Nash.
Hums
Coffls&rwativQs
in Clodwrangle
Representatives of the Uni
versity Party for Gross Pros
titution of Purpose (UPGPP)
last night burned to the
ground the 6, 7 and 8,000
building sections of Selleck
Clodwrangle where the con
servative element of the Uni
versity's largest living unit
reside.
In retaliation, representa
tives of those sections of the
Last Stop Selleck plugged the
toilets of UPGPP members
with Barry Goldwater's
pamphlets.
This was an action which
H. Roger D. J. termed as
' The only possible course of
action by which the conserva
tives in Last Stop could re
taliate. The action of the
UPGPP was unadulterated
upchuck. Although I am an
unofficial member of the
UPGPP I cannot condone its
action and refuse to have MY
name associated with this
act."
President of UPGPP, Rich
Dumpless, said that Dudson's
motion concerning discrimin
ation on the University cam
pus "Will undoubedly be de
feated after his statement
concerning our action. The
UPGPP will absolutely not
put up with unfaithful mem
bers." Other action that the
UPGPP has carried out in
the last month includes: Un
officially firing each mem
ber of the Board of Regents
and abolishing all Fraterni
ties and Sororities on cam
pus, an action which Dump
Jess said "will undoubtedly en
hance the success of our
freshman football players'
functions!"
In its last meeting the
UPGPP exposed 43 of those
present as not being mem
bers of the University or of
the party. The remaining sev
en, all officers and members
of the party's Central Coun
cil, conducted the meeting.
When those 43 were quieted
the party conducted its regu
lar business. "It was difficult
for us, but we managed,"
Dumpless said courageous-
Among the resolutions
adopted were the following.
1.) Vhereas: We all agree
that the left wing is the only
wing left standing;
Whereby: We contend that
since it is because of our ac
tion that the left wing is the
only wing left standing;
Thereby: We feel it is our
right to designate the name,
policy, means, and purpose of
the only wing left standing;
Therefore; the name shall
be officially and eternally, the
University party for Gross
Prostitution of Purpose, the
policy shall be officiary and
eternally up to the Central
Council which is composed of
the organization's officers,
the means shall be officially
and eternally those things
which are in direct -opposition
to what is conceived as right
and true in our society, and
the purpose shall be officially
and internally to disrupt our
members which should not
know what is going on any
way becasue the Central
Council, which is made up of
officers, should be the only
body which knows what is
going on, anyway.
Dumpless said he agreed
100 per cent with this resolu
tion because it will allow col
lection of funds and donations
from unsuspecting members, j
TU. i i i .A
iiiose memDers wno uonaie
five dollars or more each
week will receive our medal
of extingished funds, he said.
That is, as soon as we get
some members who are not
members of the Central Coun
cil, who arc all officers, he
said.
2. ) Whereby: We are omni
potent and possess power
one step below divinity;
Whereby: Our beliefs lead
us away from a militia and
towards faith in the equality
of all men and man's unde
viating striving for peace;
Whereby: We cannot figure
out Army ROTC maps;
Whereby: we cannot stay
awake for Air Force ROTC
films;
Whereby: We cannot main
tain consciousness during
Navy physical tests;
Whereby: None of us could
ever pass a military physical
examination anyway;
Therefore: We support the
abolishment of compulsorary
ROTC.
Dumpless said that he par
ticulary advocated this reso
lution becasue he did not be
lieve in the military's con
ception of parliamentary pro
cedure. 3. ) Whereby: We are ex
tremely liberal even though
none of us understand liber
alism; Whereby: The only reason
we are doing this is that we
are bored at Last Stop;
Whereby: We think we are
right;
Whereby: We know we are
right;
Whereby: We know that
everybody else is wrong;
Therefore: We heartily sup
port NSA, National Associa
tion of Student Asses.
Dudson conceded that the
party might be right on this
resolution..
4) Whereby; We want 33
representatives - on Student
Council; Therefore: We will
elect 33 representatives to
Student Council.
After all this business,
meeting, making and second
motion to adjourn.
Dudson caid in an exclus
ive interview that he wai
seriously contemplating mak
ing a motion to change the
name of the organization
from UPGPP to PU-U-U-u-u.
According to Dr. Curtis Elliot, "Research concern
ing the problems faced in adjusting insurance claims is
an ignominious blast."
"For some years," continued Doc Elliott," I have
been investigating the insurance phenomena of the La
Rue Sisters, Effie Eloise and Rosie, and their mother
Queen Maud."
The Nash Rambler people have been especially in
terested in the project, he added.
According to Doc Elliot, the main problem results
from the accident prone nature of the La Rue ladies.
"During the past year their 50 deductible insurance
policy has been 50 deducted so many times that it re
sembles the national debt," guffawed Doc Elliott.
Commenting on the problems facing the claims ad
juster for their policies, the Doctor made special refer
ence to their affinity for Shetland ponies and Old Sara
toga. For some reason this is directly proportional to
their ability to arrive at the scene of an accident about
30 seconds before it happens so that they can take an
important part in the completion of the catastrophe.
The following is an example of one of their typical
forays: Effie Eloise's Nash Rambler is borrowed by sis
ter Rosie without Effie's knowing about it; Effie Eloise
is at this time is driving Queen Maud's motorcycle and
Queen Maud is riding behind on a Shetland pony carry
two fifths of Old Saratoga in the saddle bags, and she
is being carried on a truck bed being pushed from behind
by a tractor.
At this moment Rosie comes tooling around the
corner at 75 miles an hour and attempts to cross over
and turn into Queen Maud's driveway. As Rosie crosses
over She hits into Effie Eloise on the motorcycle and
throws her back over the truck bed on top of the Shet
land pony breaking Queen Maud's neck and shattering
the two bottles of Old Saratoga.
The pony is so frightened that it bolts and jumps
through the windshield of the Nash just as it is driving
through the back of Queen Maud's garage, tearing
through a 20-foot concrete wall and in the process giv
ing the Shetland hoof and mouth disease.
Queen Maud is not carrying her liquor liscence, Ef
fie Eloise does not have her driver's license and Rosie
La- Rue still hasn't gotten a marriage license.
Who is insured if the Shetland pony is drunk and
Rosie is going the wrong way down a one-way street
and Effie Eloise's 20 pay life policy was just trans
ferred to Queen Maud who has ommitted paying the
last 3 payments?
"If you don't think that a case like this is enough to
shorten the life expectancy of an insurance investigator,
you are sorely mistaken," chortled Doc Elliott.
Doc acceded that although his prime interest is run
ning a trendex on the popularity of accidents with the
LaRue's, he is also doing correlative work on the head
aches of the investigator.
With a smile, Doc Elliott added that the whole mess
reminded him of the time that he promoted a panty
raid and the crisis that resulted.
"Naturally, such work has little interest for the
non-callipygian of our campus," Elliott commented.
"However poor demented professors love this type of
work."
Dr. Elliott's research is being underwritten by the
order of the Purple-shafted Red Barb. , ,' ', - n
J)
GOODBYE L O N L E Y
NIGHTS - Adam Broken
ridge gazes dreamily at
the pillar by his side as
he thinks of his forthcom
ing engagement with the
future Mrs. No longer,
will he be embarassed as
he roams alone through
the columns singing songs
of love and passion to his
twelve year old pet pixie
Lolita.
Reserved
Campus
Calendar
Thirty days has September,
april, june and november, all
the rest have thirty one ex
cept when the Union put the
Mortabourgeoise in THE Soci
ety meeting room by mistake
and the daze that resulted is
enough to bleach the baldric
of any self respecting male.
TODAY
STUPID COUNCIL, Facul
ty nosepick, Union room,
Alphonse Bennett Hall.
INTER CO-OP COUNCIL,
special meeting to adopt
the FMA, purpose to change
name to ICCMA and affiliat
ed with FHA in direct oppo-1
sition to the IFC, 330 Al-i
phonse Bennet Hall.
STUrlu council, commit
tee on committee on commit
tees on committee on com
mittees, 1 a.m., Alphonse
Bennett Hall, fourth floor
east.
THURSDAY .
UNION BOARD, election of
officers, 7:30, Alphonse Ben
nett Hall, fourth floor west.
FRIDAY
TBIF CLUB (Too bad it's
Frank), to discuss the possi
bility of reneging on an hon
orary membership, 3 p.m.,
Student Affairs.
BUNGLERS, mass meeting
to discuss why there has to
be more of Jim Moore, 12
midnight, custodians closet,
3rd floor, Alphonse Bennet
Hall.
1 UNICORNS, faculty discus
sion led by Dean Snides why
the only co-educational soci
ety is so horny, 10:45 main
lounge, Alphonse Bennett
Hall.
BIRDS AND BEES 191c, to
discuss the problem of the
senior 'panic with all those
engaged in the last month,
discussion led by the great
snowman and Sin flake,
sometime, store room second
floor, Alphonse Bennett Hall.
RICK SPELLMAN Fan
Club, to discuss the "Rise of
Individuality", 6:30, beaneath
the Singing Silow.
PanHole Thrashes
IFC 'Do-Nothings'
Wild Giraffes Trample Ag Campus
Pink Staff Writer Gets Royal Shaft
The jyinK snail sunereu a,tu ocivc iuouj aim u-1
. ably the first for freedom of
serious loss a few weeks ago tncollege press.
in the form of a staff mem- j w h hj h tt , k
The University Rodeo Klub
plans a rib-smashing three
day stampede for the end of
the month.
In addition to the usual
chuck wagon race, horse
shoeing ' and bull ' shipping,
the ,Klub's annual event will
have for the first time; wild
giraffe, milking, underwater
rawhide plaiting, and buffalo
head butting.
The later contest features
an obstinate coed and a
Phippine carabao on loan
from an alum who's now in
the Peace Corpse.
Grand prize for the stam
pede is a set of crossed long
horns engraved "RIP." This
cross will be given to the
all-around cowboy or cowgirl
along with a $500 funeral.
Other prizes include: a
silver belt buckle to deco
rate a pelvic cast, and a silver-mounted
saddle with a
place for hip pockets outlined
in gold on the cantle. This
is so the rider can tell the
head from the tail.
Round and round and round
we go yea for the Panhol
lenic rotation system.
PanHole met again Mon
day, but since President
Mary Joe MacCooney was un
able to think of anything for
the group to do, they decid
ed to attack IFC for not do
ing anything.
About those extinguished
torches well, anyway, those
aspects of Meek Week drew
sharp criticism from Panpole
and they decided not to give
Meek Week any money.
Not, you understand, because
they didn't support Meek
Week, but because they
couldn't locate their treasury.
By a unanimous vote of
confidence the group decided
once again to support Man-
handlin' Barge as adviser to
the ignominious group.
The girls realized that their
sororities' pledge classes had
been ultra-small that fall, but
that was because Dean
Snides had sized up the fresh
man crop and decided they
looked like the type who
would steal sign-in sheets to
avoid being counted late and
then get caught. So she de
cided to punish them for not
thinking ahead, and instead
of campuses, just wouldn't
let them pledge that pun
ished the sororities who were
really at fault.
Then PanHole unanimously
decided to rotate the posi
tion of vice-president that
gave the next person quali
fied a chance to succeed and
get their name in lights.
On the subject of Gush
Week, it was decided that
Gush Week took up too much
time, so they'd cut out rush
ing anywhere but the front
porch of a sorority. If the
sororities didn't all have an
equal-sized front porch, that
was too bad.
Finally the group decided
to apply the rotation system
to their meeting times. Ac
cording to the prescribed ro
tation system The group
would meet once every other
year . . . ;
No
Classes
Tuesday
JAu, U)ebIl in. Union.
April I Through April 7
WEDNESDAY APRIL 3
Colin Jackson speaks on the Common Market
' 11:00 Library Auditorium
"Take 5" Betty Harding Accordion
3:30 Lounge Curtis Guen Oral Interpretation
THURSDAY APRIL 4
Dr. T. Lilly speaks on Cancer.
11:00 Ballroom
Housemothers Bridge Party
2:00 Pan Am Room
FRIDAYAPRIL 5
Jazz & Java The Challengers
4:00 Crib
Weekend Films
7 & 9 Auditorium
SUNDAY APRIL 7
Weekend Films
7:00 Auditorium
ber who could not find enough
time or devotion in his heart
and more success in his new
extra-curricular activities.
NEBRASKAN WANT ADS
LET ME CHANGE YOUR FACE
Former Plastic surgeon will make you
look like your favorite television or
movie star. Mrs. Lela Jones of Boston
said: "I was amazed when I looked
in the mirror and saw Gary Cooper."
No money down. Easy life payments.
FOR RENT
Haunted house. Complete with draw
bridge, broken windows, hourly
screams, and well-placed trap doors.
Nightly storms and lightning guaran
teed. Ideal for wealthy family with
clinging relatives.
WANTED
Dental assistant with ukulele and singing
ability. I work on patient while you
sing and strum old time favorites.
When patient starts to sing, I extract
teeth in rapid succession and we all
Join in on the refrain.
Stern looking man to work In court
room. Knowledge of law helpful but
not necessary. Must be willing to take
over for Judge, make speeches to Jury,
act as defense counsel, and lo'k up
Jury. Small pay and some college
credit.
ANXIOUS TO LEARN
T' ddle-aged girl wishes to leam every
thing. Prefer man with interest In la ,
tennis, physics, Fabian, chess, or any
thing. Will play the Spanish lute while
you talk.
HELP WANTED MALE
Counselors for Boys Ranch in New Jer
sey. Must be 19, able to work with
boys from 7-16, and like, and be able
to ride horses. If interested and wish
more information, write: P.O. Box
1484, Lincoln, Nebr. State: name, ad
dress, phone, and when available to
be contacted.
BRIDGE
If you like Bridge, you will like Dupli
cate. Student Union, Mondays 7:15 p.m.
and Sundays 2:15 p.m. Entry $.50. Free
cokes and coffee. Come alone or bring
a partner. Kibitzers welcome.
FOR SALE
1953 Ford, 4 door, stick, overdrive,
under 31,000 actual miles, excellent
tires and motor. Reasonable, 435-7588.
1850 Chevrolet motor, Just overhauled.
Call after 6:00, HE 2-8853. Terra! Witt-gow.
Hi
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OLD ADMINI
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