Page 2 EDITORIAL Friday, March a, 1
A Tale of Spontaneous Laughter
Once upon a time, there
lived in a small town in
one of our great mid
western states a man
named Snommis. I must
tell you first that Snom
mis was a Conservative.
Snommis was also a Tax
payer. Snommis was also
a graduate of the Law
College of the State Uni
versity. Immediately you
may deduce that Snom
mis, being an eminent
man of the law, was at
all times rational in his
thinking. I must also tell
you that Snommis was a
commendably frugal man.
With all his shining fru
gality, the man of the
law felt that a dollar
spent should return a dol
lar's worth of goods.
Snommis, well versed in
logic, naturally extended
and applied this eminent
ly practical Law of his
to the Taxpayer's dollars
also. In all fairness, 1
must admit that Snom
mis' motives were com
pletely unselfish: he only
had the interests of the
Conservative Taxpayers
at heart. Conservative tax
dollars, he thought, should
buy Conservative goods.
Now one day, with
nothing better to do,
Snommis happened to
read The Congressional
Reerfier, which was an
institutional newspaper
supported by tax dollars.
Now, you know nobody
ever reads the Recorder.
But Snommis read it; and
his intuitive and law
trained reaction was
something like this:
'Egad! This newspaper is
LIBERAL!" Then he spat,
which made him feel
good all over. "Conserva
tive Taxpayers pay for
Conservative newspapers,"
he said righteously, as he
turned Iris framed copy
of the Bill of Rights round ;
to the wall. Now Snom
mis was forgetting, of
course, that a majority
of the members of Con
gress were liberals; and
forgetting, too, that they
had a right to their lib
eral opinions, and to have
their newspaper print those
opinions. Snommis saw,
with alarm, all the deep
est shades of Red.
Then Snommis went to
work. Day and night he
labored, until he had
gone through endless
mountains and 157 years
of dusty back numbers of
the Recorder. He culled,
he extracted, he snipped,
And he discarded, until
he came up with a 32,000
page "document" The
'document" said the Re
corder was liberal and
was indoctrinating the
Congressmen. Actually, I
must ten you it was the
other way round: the
Congressmen were liberal
mid were indoctrinating
the Recorder.
Snommis tried to ped
dle his ''document," but
no one would buy it. He
went to the President, but
he was a liberal. He went
to the Congressional
Board of Directors, but
they Were impartial. He
. went to the Recorder of
fice, but it ignored him.
Clutching his little Red
''Document" In his het
little hand,. Snommis ran
around with it, unable to
sen it, until one day there
just happened tc tie a con
vention of True Bide Con
servatives in his Capitol
City. "Eureka!" cried
Snommis. He ali o cried
"Eureka!" when he real
ized that the Congression
al budget was then being
discussed. The Conserva
tives invited him to read
his "document," which he
did, in a great, stentorian
voice, being a politician
of sorts. The momentous
issue was exposed the
cat was out of the bag,
KEVEXTY-SEXmri YEAR OF
PUBLICATION
Ttitf.Utit (77-S7U, est Z7M, 2SF9, 2350
Member Associated Collegiate Press,
International Press Representative, Na
tloiEfel Advertising Service, Incorporated.
Published at: Room 51, Student Union,
Lincoln ft, Nebraska.
14th R
. ..... 4
JBaaarinr KJMer ....
'ewt ftditer
Sawrle Ktftter . ..
aHMm fcaarfcj Eaitar
Cum ta'teni . .
Scalar Ctatf Wrier ,
aalar aH Writer
or the herring out of the
net, whichever figure of
speech you prefer CON-,
GRESS WAS LIBERAL!
A great hue and cry of
alarm went up to the
sides all over the Con
seivative land.
The Recorder staff got
on the phone and tried
to interview Snommis.
The questioners ham
mered and Snommis
hedged, until about aU
they found out was that
Snommis didn't like lib
erals. They also found out
that he had a double
standard for freedom of
the press: one for com
mercial newspapers, and
another one for institu
tional newspapers. They
also found out that he
really loved his Congress.
You must admit it was
aU quite irrelevant.
The publisher of the Re
corder defended his staff:
!They aren't an that lib
eral! And, besides, even
if they are," he said,
"they're very fair mind
ed." He gave Snommis an
"F" for his poorly done
paper, which made Snom
mis very mad. You must
admit it was an quite ir
relevant. Then somebody went to
great lengths to show that
the Recorder wasn't tax
supported at an. It seems
as though the Recorder
was paid for by the Con
gressmen themselves (no
doubt with money from
Taxpayers back home). I
believe it worked some
thing like this: every
time a Congressman reg
istered for a new term, he
paid a donar to support
the newspaper I might
add that he also paid a
dollar to support his un
ion haH, where he danced,
gambled, drank, ate, and
debated, sometimes,
which wasn't very Con
servative. Now this sur
vey, to prove that the
Recorder wasnt tax-supported,
only proved that
Snommis didn't have an
argument, on his terms.
You must admit it was
an quite irrelevant.
Somebody published in
the Recorder a copy of a
statement by the Con
gressional Board of Di
rectors concerning com
munism in the Congress.
The statement guaran
teed freedom of speech
and press in the Congress.
But publishing it then,
you see, forged the link
between "communist"
and "liberal" that Snom
mis desperately wanted,
but hadn't dared to make
himself. So Snommis
leaned back and smiled,
saying "Thank you
Thank you very much!"
You must admit it was
aU quite irrelevant and
damaging.
Then a Congressman
(he was a liberal) who
was watching, began to
laugh. He laughed so
hard that he nearly split
his sides. "How complete
ly ridiculous," he said to
himself. "We're an stoop
ing to argue with Snom
mis on his level, which
is exactly what he wants
us to do. Snommis is forc
ing us to prove our inno
cence, which is irrelevant,
and is denying -us our
right to think differently,
which is inalienable.
Snommis knows we don't
have to prove our inno
cence. He also knows that
up on our level, where he
could only debate the is
sue of freedom of the
press, he has no argu
ment at an."
So our Congressman
laughed harder at the fol
ly of it all. Then he got
mad. He took out his pen
marked "for Satire,"
which hadn't been used
since Senator Goldwater
Daily Ncbrasican
maeaalelr. lar what
a, taw.
EDITOUAL SI AFT
M
J
- -
Friday, March 8, 1963
by cctri henry mills
brutally butchered the i
Laws of Definition, and
he wrote a satire, hoping I
to mend the ways of the
world through laughter.
He got his satire pub
lished in The DaUy Mid
Western, where it w a s
sandwiched in between
"Findings over the Week
end" aM an article enti
tled "Supra-Rosa Rears
its Ugly Head Again." .
The people who read it
laughed. They laughed at
Snommis for trying to
trick them, and they
laughed at themselves for
being tricked, too. They
realized they couldn't turn
Donkeys into Elephants
by denying they existed,
or by saying Donkeys
reaUy looked more like
Elephants than the world
thought. They realized
that when Snommis
turned his copy of the BUI
of Rights round to the
waU, he actually told Na
ture to stop making Don
keys. So Nature, who was
busy, and couldn't wish
something of hers out of
existence because it didn't
look like an Elephant, or
because it wasn't an Ele
phant, laughed at him
too. Some of the Donkeys,
instead of laughing with
Nature, tried furiously to
make themselves look
less like Donkeys, and
Nature laughed at them.
Some even tried to prove
that they were not Don
keys at an, so Nature
laughed at them too.
Soon, however, everybody
was laughing gooa-na-
turedly. People laughed
so hard that the guffaw f
could be heard for twen- f
ty-five miles around. And
the laughter made every-
body feel good all over,
Of course, in those days
there was no constitution-
al guarantee needed for
laughter, so it rolled in
great waves over the mid- i
west countryside. Very
soon Snommis became sy- I
nonymous with snicker, I
and all the people snort-
ed "Snommis!" whenever
they snickered.
But, dear reader, Snom- I
mis won out in the end, i
because nobody could
make him face the real s
issue. So The Congresskm- f
a) Recorder became True
Blue Conservative, even
though the majority of
the people it spoke for
were still liberals. Na-
ture had been hood- 1
winked: the braying of 1
Donkeys was made to
sound like the trumpet-
ing of Elephants, and a
great darkness descend-
ed upon the Conservative
land.
Now one day, with noth-
ing better to do, Snommis
happened to read The 1
Daily Mid-Western, which
was an institutional news-
paper supported by tax
dollars. Now, you know
nobody ever reads The f
Daily Mid-Western. But
Snommis read it; and his i
intuitive and law-trained I
reaction was something 1
like this: "Egad! This
newspaper is FUNNY!"
Then he cried, which
made him feel good all
over. Sour-faced Taxpay- s
ers pay for Grim newspa- 1
pers," he said solemnly,
as he turned his framed 1
copy of the BiU of Rights
guaranteeing 1 a u g ht e r
round to the wall. Now
Snommis was forgetting, f
of course, that a majority 1
of the members of t h e f
Mid-West had a sense of
humor; and forgetting,
too, that they had a right ' 1
to their humor, and to
have their newspaper
Erint reflections of their
umor. Snommis saw,
with alarm, an the deep-
est shades of Fun. g
Then Snommis went to 1
work ... I
enteral M sfutm rim matter, et-rtaae eat.
a etllw la Urn-nhi, NakraaVa. E
Tfcr DaJtr rJehreafcea hi autiHalwl Meeda. Waineeaav, E
TMraaar ana Frttar 4arlaf the eckeel raar. eaeaat anrlut g
aarailen ana exam arrtnd. and ansa aarhtc Aartm, ar x
ataAeata at Oh tlohraraUr al Nrtorwnkn anacr (be entMrfe E
ttoa el the CemmlUee aa fttudenl Jtrfilrt aa aa enuraaatea 5
ef ataamM aamtoa. raMleatiaa aaaer Ike tnrhuhrtMa af E
Ike eukt-mnmlUee aa fttaaent Publlratlea ahail be free
tram e4lterll eeaaerakJa aa Ma eort ar tar twkmaimlltae
ar aa Ik- aart at aw aaraea eatalde the Dalrer.Hr. The
aiomken af the Dally Mibraakia taff are aeraenallr e
tkar aaa. araa.fr eaaaa a b artatne. -
s
Jaaaea
Oarr Lara
............ .. .......... , Jaka Maul !s
Terra Anaenee
Mink Itaa
lirua Oemrea. Kaale Batter. Wraey ftaern E
tuvm. Urn Maere, Wuaaa ftmlthkercer x
aha LaajujaM, aile fteirtet. Oarr Mltler
(EDITORS NOTE: Tr Mlualii -Wfnn
rrfWte tt Tirs f
A Prrtc. fftate Mltofe twer rr
the Nebraska Feaeratk a Teaae
BeaabHraaa.)
That the students were
not the only political
whipping boys is by now
plainly clear but I thank
Mr. Han for the phrase
and I hope he will not
object if I plagiarize and
apply it to the Republi
can Party.
Ray Simmons made po
litical whipping boys out
of the Republican Party
when he ungraciously and
without any decorum
used the party as a
spring board for his own
private political bias.
Now I cannot purport
to speak for the whole
party not for our state
chairman, Mr. Denney;
not for the campus Young
Republican presi
dent, Steve Stastny; not
for the voters, not for the
students, not for our con-
Problem
Of The
Week
By Pi Win Epsflon
PROBLEM: Every liv
Jng person has shaken
liands with a certain num
ber of other persons.
Prove that a count of the
number of people who
have shaken hands an
odd number of times
must yield on even num
ber. Bring or send answers
to this week's problem to
210 Burnett. The solution
will be printed next week
along with another prob
lem. SOLUTION: The solu
tion to last week's prob
lem: No, it is not possi
ble, for at each move the
knight goes from a square
of one color to the other,
and the knight must move
63 times, thus it is impos
sible for the knight to
move as required, 63 be
ing odd and the diagonal
ly opposite square being
of the same color.
Leo M. Harwfll, Lane
Isaacson and Val Policky
submitted c o r r e c t an
swers to last week's problem.
I atrospaci j
I tOlTHWtST
noHUtt J
GlIiiilHD
A RED HERRING?
gressmen I speak only
for myself.
But it, is my opinion
that we've been duped by
this figure from the" right
side of the right. Sever
al weeks ago this gentle
man spoke on the ridicule
undergone by the right
wing. And many of us
were in sympathy with
him then.
But we were duped be
cause Mr. Simmons is
not a rightist he is a po
litical hack-man who has
placed himself clear off
the 'left-right' spectrum.
He deserves not only the
criticism of both sides,
but also our sympathies.
There was little decor-,
am to his actions from
start to finish. As long as
these things had to be
done at least they could
have been accompanied
by some sense of proprie
ty or sign of wisdom.
In an fairness, Miss
Jensen could have been
forewarned (Sim
mons had the chance for
' she was in the hotel just
before he dropped the
bomb). The Republican
State Chairman could
have been warned ahead
of time (they, too, saw
each other beforehand).
Surely the ChanceHor and
the Regents could have
been notified but no one
was.
The reason is that any
acceptance his claims
could gain would de
pend on the element of
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surprise. Read his report
and see if you dont
agree. Yet this is not the
real ' reason either t h e
real reason is that Mr.
Ray Simmons could care
less what is printed in
our paper the content of
what he said was of lit
tle importance so no one
needed to be forewarned.
What was important
(this may sound as ridi
culous as does Mr. Sim
monsif so bear with me
as I've just finished read
ing his report) is that
Mr. Simmons had the
opportunity to wave the
liberal bone in front of
the conservative cage at
the legislature. I do not
care to go any farther
into his motivation for
that. I do not care to say
that this makes the whole
affair either a bi-partisan
or a . non-partisan issue.
It is not for me to re
sent his attack on our
university. The Chancel
lor and Regents win take
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"IT PAYS TO LOOK YOUR BEST"
r
by charles a. peek
that into account.
It is not for me to re
fute what he has said.
That is the duty of the
paper and I'm sure Miss
Jensen will comply to this
procedural decorum.
It is . for me, as a state
officer of the Young Re
publicans, to say that I
am indignant at the use
of the party as Mr. Sim
mons has used it, to say
that what he has said is
neither Republican prac
tice or platform, to say
that I disjoin my name
from both his actions and
his methods.
It is for aU of us to
make certain that the leg
islature is not affected by
this attack and you can
help. You can assure the
university of at least a
minimal budget by
standing behind your pa
per and by knowing Mr.
Simmons for what he is
a man outside the politi
c a 1 spectrum, without
truth and without dignity.
IMaae Oaakar.
iaa Mark g
BtmiNEM TAFT
s
-- jaka Sellaaer
..... ... , Mike ManLeaa s
In Oreth s
BID Baa aha, Bak Caealath aaa. friar Urn m
ClrralaUaa Maaafar