April 1, 1962
YOU CAN
Several coeds and a fellow maternity
man watch cn with feeling and give en
couragement to a participant in this
year's maternity-paternity week games.
Maternity-Parenity
Fulfills Concrete
This year's Help Week proi
ect for members of the ma
ternity-paternity system was
lo discover a new method of
removing the bods from the
arena during Greek games.
Good Greek Games to
amuse the NU Greek savages
is the ace number-one pri
mary goal underlying the con
cept of a Greek Week, slated
John Noles, Intermaternity
Council spokesguy.
"On the whole, however,"
nuoth Noless, "Greek Week is
the result of a belief on the
part of maternity and sorori
ty members that greek-letter
organizations are CONTINU
ALLY FULFILLING A POSI
TIVE GOAL on the campus
and in the community.
Continueth Doger Pander
son, stoolman of the IMC love
affairs committee, "Greek
Week, and the vents which
constitute the week, are de
signed to be representative of
the work that goes on ALL
YEAR LONG in maternities
and paternities.
"By combining these repre
sentative events into one, we
are are able to see more
clearly a general overview of
Greek life and the DIREC
TION IN WHICH IT IS MOV
ING." However, he noted, the
members of maternities and
paternities realize that their
goals and ideals must be co
incidental with those of the so
ciety in which they live.
Capon Burt, chief of the
propaganda-blackmail d i v i
sion, pointed out that "the
fomplete success of Greek
Week LIES IN THE PAR
TICIPATION of EACH
liouse."
In a memo to all Greeks,
Burt outlined the rules for
the Greek Games:
Chariot race: freshmen in
harness, Percherons at the
whip. The wheels must both
be on the same axil, and
there can be only one wag
gon tongue.
Women's Tug 'o War: an
Nolxxly-to-Wlio Has
Wooitaie Up North
Pip Duplin, chairman of the
nobody4o-who (or whom as
case may be) program an
nounced that there will be a
special meeting of all those
interested in having an inter
national woodsie. The busses
will leave for the Canadian
border tonight at 11:03 p.m.
Dean Melon Spider has given
permission to the Betas to
have late minutes.
LITTLE MAN
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IF YOU THINK
anchor chain will be used, if
you've got twelve men in your
house who can lift it, you win.
Men's Tug "o War: mem
bers of the IFC versus all
other greeks if we find a
rope long enough.
Pyramid Race: three men
carry two more on their shoul
diers while the sweetheart of
the house sits on top. Every
Cornflake Center's Goal
Is Ending All Education
Great new strides have
been taken to make the Corn
flake Center for Ending Ed
ucation on our Campus the
most outstanding of its kind.
The Hall of Juveniles is
planning some coeducational
conventions to help students
forget the aims of education
and to encourage having a
good time.
The International Don Juan
Association will be meeting
at the Center this weekend.
Painstaking Kissyface, pres
ident of the group, will be
the principal speaker. Pelvis
Brestly will also attend the
session and show the mem
bers the newest techniques in
twisting.
Bikini Club
The local Bikini Club will
have a tea at the Center
scheduled for same time the
Don Juans are having their
midnight snack.
"Mink" is the password for
the girls, of whom many can
not say anything else.
The girls, all top pledges
of sororities, flunked out of
their classes with flying
colors and were absorbed by
the Center's promoters.
"Ending education," is our
goal," explained the director
of the Cornflake division.
Signs Posted
"Signs to the effect have
been posted," he added.
"We also have our flakes
sing a song: 'Down with
Education,' whenever milk is
added. The words- come out
to the melody of 'Downward
Satan's Warriors.' "
Currently nearly 400 youth
from the nation are attend
ing the Platonist Youth Fel
lowship Conference here.
Platonism Is next to fergo
nianism they claim. A few
demonstrations are in order.
April 24-25, the Nebraska
Nutty Institute Workshop for
ON CAMPUS
YOU CAN
The event pictured is raising telephone
poles. Once raised the poles will be left up
to hang caged pledges and barbs from.
Week
Goal
body is on water skis. The
object is to get your six par
ticipants to Oak Lake and
back with out falling down.
Women's tricycle Race:
all the air will be let out of
the trike tires. The race be
gins at the field house and
ends on the third floor of Feg
uson Hall. Any coed reciving
help will be scratched.
Youth is scheduled, at which
time some 350 youths will
undergo psychoanalysis and
treatments.
Adult Wing
The adult wing of the Cen
ter also has some outstand
ing events scheduled.
The Fullbright Scholars will
meet this week to d i s c u s s
ways and means of discour
aging the promotion of edu
cation. The group is afraid
and has adopted a goal to
keep the number of scholars
at status quo.
A meeting of Health Serv
ice officials from small col
leges will meet to ponder and
share ideas of germ-warfare
to keep the students out of
colleges.
A tax seminar is scheduled
for the 24th and 25th. Em
phasis will be on how to
shrink the tax returns and
fool the government.
Reading Improvement
Reading improvement for
business and professional peo
ple will be held at the end
of the month and again in
May.
"There is nothing harder
than to make people forget
how to read," said the di
rector of the session. "We're
after a complete illiterate
state, so we've got to make
reading difficult. We're pro
posing a bill in Congress this
year.
"The bill asks for permis
sion to print books without
invisible ink," he explained.
Evening entertainment is
planned for every nght, in
formed sources revealed.
To find out what they are,
they added, one would have
to enroll in one of the
courses or attend a session.
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IN ONLY THREE EASY LESSONS YOU TOO 1
I CAN ACQUIRE GRACE AND POISE
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ELUE'S SCHOOL of
Our Once In
Maternity
Council
Censors
Animal Society
Is Lax on Rules
The Intermaternity Council
(IMC) went on record
Wednesday night to censor
the Society for the Prevention
of Cruelty to Animal (SPCA)
for lax rules on the regula
tion of pet rabbits.
"Undue negligence on the
part of six year old children
in leaving pet rabbits free to
ravage fraternity men in
back yard cages" was the
cause of the unfortunate inci
dent last week when two fra
ternity pledges contacted
hare lips from their attempts
to makef riends with a baby
rabbit, according to John No
less, IMC president. Panty
Pandemonium President
Nancy McGass called on all
Greek goddesses (all moror-
lty women) to join with the
maternities in this year's
help weak projects.
"To teach this year's
pledges true bonds of brother
hood and sisterhood (normal
ly learned during sadistic
week), we have opened our
arms to the maternih sys
tem to show the public the
bonds of love and liquor that
pacify the two systems," said
Noless.
The following sadistic week
projects were suggested for
the Greek system:
Phi Delta Pride to con
struct from snow modeling
Greek gods of all Phi Delta
Pride actives. i
Beta Theta Pixie to build
a stairway to third floor of
the fraternity house so that the
actives can sing the "Beta
Mating Clue" to the power
flush toilets.
Kappa Awful Thirsty to re
turn to earth.
Kappa Swigma to rent out
the hotel;
Diddley Tau Diddley to
return the front door, and to
paint "Didn't We" on it;
Delightfully Grubby-to
keep the rushees from squeal
ing during next year's Gush
Week;
Phil Kappa iPerceyville to
keep from getting caught this
May Day;
A Turkey O to move into
the Celstink after next fall's
harvest.
Kappa Kappa Grabbit to
replace the twins.
All For Free to paint the
house a PURE white,
Alpha Gamma Rabbit to
reincarnate pet rabbits:
Farm House to LIVE;
Coyotes to find a blind
husband.
Pi Flyes To chase that
stork of the roof.
Loveme Reveals
Details On How
Library Is Used
Although it is usually
thought that a library is used
for study, reading, and re
search work, it has been re
cently brought to the atten
tion of Frankly Loveme, di
rector of Libraries just what
the building is used for.
Among the most predomin
ate forms of games are:
twisting in the carols, hiding
during pledge training, stu
dent tribunal secret meetings,
rumbles between the Pi Eyes
and TNKnees pledge classes,
toad conventions, handing out
and selling of all stolen tests,
hiding place for all "closet
cases" during rush week.
stomping grounds for ihose
who have been kicked out of
Moral Hall for stealing.
A Year Daily
4
Chancellor Spif Hardley (center) chats
with Maj. Garth Rassmother after a bed
side conversation with Col. Raul, head
hondo of the RRTC detachment at the Uni
versity. Their conversation was reported
as being concerned with getting the de
Chancellor's Wife Ticketed
For Striking Police Officer
Chancellor Spif Hardley
motored down to Camp Ash
land Saturday to review the
Army RRTC brigade which
is spending the weekend train
ing at the National Guard in
stallation.
Chancellor and Mrs. Hard-
ley made the trip in a jeep
which had a fLt, tire in Elm-
wood. Mrs. Hardley changed
the tire, because, "it would
have cost the taxpayers mon
ey to have a filing station
man or myself do it" accord
ing to the Chancellor.
Mrs. Hardley was issued a
traffic ticket near Waverly
for "distracting traffic," "il
legally joining a funeral pro
cession" "passing a State
Trooper on the right, entering
the interstate on an exit and
leaving same on an entrance to the Star Spangled Banner,
and striking an officer with Colonel Raul's aide, however,
-EXPOSE-
Curtain of Secrecy Falls
From Around RRTC Brigade
Welcome to your first
RRTC class of the year, all
you little cadets, my name if
Major Rassmother and I am
an instructor here at the Rab-
el Rousing Tree Climbers bri
gade here at ah, at-
well my last assignment was
with the nurse's corps in Ger
many.
I have been in the ah,
the ah, Army tor eievnty
three years; I am six foot
four feet tall and my fighting
weight is 123 pounds all dy
namite by the way and the
first little cadet wno cans me
"slim" or "long tall Sally"
gets two demerits.
Mv name is Colonel Raul,
no relation by the way, and
T have served many years in
the tricycle corps. Men!! The
tricycle corps needs you!!
Doesn t it Major nassmoin
r? Ah. who wants to wake
up Major Rassmother? Care
ful, don't touch his bad arm,
he fell off a barstool during
manuevers the other night, he
got carried away watching
The Big Picture on TV.
Are there any conscientious
objectors here? Put your hand
down, Major Rassmother,
that's in extremely poor taste,
and besides, you know you
QAHGI.HG !
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her hat." Charges were dis
missed when Spif got spifed
off and Mrs. Hardley ex
plained that she did not have
her prescription windshield
on the jeep.
Chancellor Hardley stated
that he was sorry that Colonel
Raul was unable to attend
the review due to the effects
of a sortie into Ashland the
previous night. Action on the
rifle range was to be re
sumed as soon as the Colon
el's condition improved.
The Chancellor watched the
troops go through latrine dig
ging exercises, shoe shining,
brass polishing, and b r o w n
nosing. i
The highlight of his tour j
was the parade when the en-!
tire brigade passed in review
are supposed to muzzle stuff
like that.
Say, does anybody know
where we can get a barstool
with seatbelts in it? No? Oh,
well, I guess that's just wet
ammo to you. Major Rass
mother, for God's sake wake
up, Rassmother.
fif Make a me Qf '.II
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I THAT . AD F0
I AT HOME
RRTC
tachment some new equipment. An
authoritive source from within said that
the Chancellor said "If the state doesn't
give the University any then you can't
have any either ... so there!"
requested that the noise be
discontinued.
Chancellor Hardley was
rather relucant to drive back
with his wife, so Colonel Raul
was helped into the jeep and
he and Mrs. Hardley no doubt
had a quiet trip back. Chan
cellor Hardley rode back with
several cadets. The car was
destined for Lincoln, but was
detoured to Emerald via Mal
comb. immediate openings
for an
exciting career!
BE A
STEWARDESS
FOR
PAM-PAM
AIR LINES
I
YOU MAY QUALIFY..,
FOR A JET-AGE CAREER IF YOU
ARE BETWEEN 45 AND 60
YEARS OF AGE
ARE FT. TO 6-fT. -iri.
IN HEIGHT
Page $
Hardley
Initiates
Program
Spif Hardley has decided to
initiate a new program into
the University curriculim, an
nounced Hardley's Gang.
The new program will in
clude a variety of new
courses which Hardley feels
are needed to make the stu
dents' development and edu-
completely well rounded.
The courses will be in the
RRTC WareHouse (formerly
the Helgin Bldg.)
On the top of the building
will be a Heavenly Body class
conducted by the Kappa Swig
ma, the A Turkey O's and
the Phi Delta Prides. The In
struments being installed will
be focused on the sun decks
of the ioo, the AOPiggie
house and the Kappa Awful
Thirsty house.
Directly below the Heavenly
Body class will be the
Bureau (pictured above)
which will provide the class
with information on what
may be expected to be seen
that day. Hardley commented
that this would eliminate
wasted time on the part of
the students' of the class.
The second floor of t h e
building will be used for tri
cycle training. Hardley de
cided this would Increase the
quality of the races on Lust
Day and make them more
competitive.
The ground floor will be
used as a training arena for
pledge trainers. It will be
painted red and a new heat
ing system installed to make
the atmosphere more realis
tic. Hardley is giving them
hell.
HAVE WEIGHT PROPERLY
PROPORTIONED
HAVE 5S-17 VISION
IN GOOD HEALTH
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