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Vol. 519, Cell 51
Our Once In A Year Daily
April 1, 1962
ARE
NNE
lull
AW
TOWER
1 JJH-
Pi Eyes ' Beer Hangout
Uncovered in Caverns
Further mobbing bv Hard-
ley's Boys into the sinking
lvioamng Tower incident re
vealed a second tunnel sys
tem connecting all major
maternities with sororities
and girl's zoos.
Descending into the tunnel
opening with a squad of
armed Air Farce Rebel Rous
ing Tree Climber (AFRRTC)
cadets, they reported a gap
ing, smoke-filled cavity be
low 16th Street, estimated to
extend from the Phi Delta
Pride house on R St. to Sig
ma Alpha Moses on U St.
"Several students (later
identified as the two Pi Eyes
suspended last fall) were
managing a self-service beer
pizza cafeteria under the
franchise of the Diamond Bull
and Grog," said one of the
AFRRTC cadets.
Upon entering the cavern,
AFRRTC cadets immediately
f!f issA
sassy--, .j .4 -
Miss Smartling
Slide Jocks
Give Award
Miss Sham Smartling was
given the cube root award by
the Slide Rule Jockeys it was
announced Sunday at their an
nual Founder's Day banquet
at Tastee Inn.
Miss Smartling, a member
of Delightfully Grubby soror
ity, measures approximately
49.322648-21-35 expanded and
approximately 38-27.322648-35
relaxed. When asked wtiat
the key to her success in this
area is, she attributed it to
Playtex.
Council Chairs
NSA Vote Again
Stupid Council in rapid
fire, hot blooded fashion to
day cooled the National Stu
dent Abolition (NSA) resolu
tion by chairing it until April
31.
The motion calling for NSA
to be put before the students
to vote on was chaired when
Council President Dumbo
Rage used its 312 pages for
cushining on his chair.
When certain members of
the minority segment of the
Council, that is the Anti
mopism group, tried to object
to the Dumbo's meathod in
handling t h e controversial
motion, Dumbo told them in a
not too executive manner to
"zip their mouths" before he
compromised them.
"It's tough watermelon
pickles," he raged. "If you
want to fool around with
issues that have student in
terest, don't expect this body
of mops to make any deci
sion on them."
20 OCOOOOOOOO OQOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOGOO OOOOOOOOOO OOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOO OOOOOOOOOO Of
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surrendered their pogo sticks
and mouse ears to James
"Pit" Ticketseller for an
mission pass and sub-rosa
identification card, according
to Sgt. Parking Ticket, cam
pus cop.
Twisting Coeds
The sergeant himself was
pushed by a mass of twisting
coeds and maternity men to
a large throne whereupon sat
King of Joy, Van Eric East
over JIT
In an exclusive interview,
Eastover reported that he had
assumed this University posi
tion as King of Joy at the di
rection of Chancellor S p i f
Hardley as a part of the ad
ministrative reorganization
last spring.
"We (the students) main
tain the underground facili
ties at no cost to the tax
payers of the state," said the
King, "and all receipts above
operating costs are turned over
to the University Professor's
Relief Fund to aid those in
structors cut short by Sen.
Richas Marble's budget com
mittee." "The labyrinth was con
structed in 1954 after Univer
sity officials and police had
been unable to stop a mass
panty raid on girl's dorm,"
he added.
"The twist, pizza and beer
provide a constructive outlet
for the energy of the college
Pops Give
Grant Aid
To Groups
' The AUF, that is, the Ali
mony for Unwed Fathers, an
nounced recently that it is
branching out and giving its
most hard-worked-for-funds to
a few new organizations.
The new ones receiving the
most funds are: Advancement
of the Juvenile Delinquency
of Children in Homes, Dope
Pushing committee on cam
pus, the AUM, that is, Ali
mony for Unwed Mothers,
purchasing of Pi Eye pledge
pins, new books for the li
brary, new chimes for the
Moaning Tower, clods for the
newly-initiated Cornclods, yel
low paint for some said or
ganization, turkey roosts, is
land for an island party, bars
on the zoo windows, panties
for the next panty raid, and
a new Issak Walton Park for
Crete.
Zoo Mom Gets
Yellowed Shoes
"Those rats have painted
my shoes!" shouted the Zoo's
housemother Smelly Broad
strap last week as several Pi
Eires were busy with their
famous yellow paint and no
torious stencils.
Said Miss Broadstrap, "I
was making my usual nightly
rounds when I saw a group of
those girl-crazy drunkards
right on the front porch doing
that awful deed! (painting
that is).
Spif Hardley, chancellor of
the University, who caught
the trio of Pi-Eyes had only
one thing to say to the raging
house mother. "Where does
the wind blow? Up a fresh
man's . I'm one too!
'fir
male, normally satisfied in
panty-raids or pledge . torture
during Hell-weeks," according
to John "Psycho", counsellor
in psychology.
Dean Melon Spider de
scirbed the festivities as "un
justly restricted to University
undergraduates" since admin
istrative and faculty members
can attend only after Wednes
day Faculty Senate meet
ings. Alcoholic Women Stewies
president Patricia S p i k e-it
said this proposal was a slap
at the rights of the non-drinking
girl. "An AWS ruling
strictly prohibits taps in the
girls dorms and sorority
houses until a special classi
fication is incorporated into
the AWS point system (which
would take into account the
stimulus and relief which in
would enjoy)." she said.
Apparently C a p t. Lean
Gangsters, head of the cam
pus police (dubbed the "Un
touchables" after the cavern
incident) knew of the cavern
for several years, but has
been bribed by the sub-secret
Theta No-good Embolmers to
keep quiet.
The amount of the bribe has
not been disclosed, but it is
believed to be in the form
of slugs to feed the new
Money Mad Parking Meters
which are being installed all
over campus.
Sen. Silverwater Tells Goals
"Ladies and gentlemen of
the University no applause
please -I am here to tell you
why I would make the best
President of our degenerate
land."
"First, I, Barry Silverwater
of Arizona, stand fort he com
mon man because he can't
stand for himself. What the
common man needs is a lead
er who will make gigantic
improvements in the country
and in the world.
"My first act as President,
if elected and of course I will
be, is to promote myself to
the rank of a five-star general
in the U.S. Air Farce," Silver
water said.
"As a loyal Apache Indian,
I am also obligated to wipe
out all the white man's forts,
but of course new ones will
be built in place of them.
What decent human would
think of living in less than a
Hilton hotel? What will the
Russians think of our stan
dard of living?"
Chief Silverwater continued
talking -in his native tongue,
whatever that Is, (baby
talk??) and then decided to
take some action on the inter
national scene.
"There will be many more
summit meetings," he said.
"We get so much done at
every top level conference.
Why Mr. K and I not only
talk about disarmament, but
we actually get it done. After
a few social gatherings we
are completely disarmed.
"One of my biggest fields
in international relations will
be in Central and Latin Amer
ica. The United States actual
ly has many friends to our
south especially 90 miles off
our coast. The bearded won
der and I see eye to eye
we're the same height you
SAVE
mi
8 fcsi?ssss
'ALL THE WAY TO ROCHA'
With the proper school spirit, the Moaning Tower ap
pears to be heading "All the way to Rocha." The well
know University symbole was discovered last night to
have fallen into what later was discovered one of the
main tunnels of a whole system undermining the campus.
understand. And all this
nonsense about his being Com
munist backed, it's just a
front.
"Now that you know my
views just give me your
votes and I'll give you any
I 1
NV Panty Raid Includes
Men, 300 Eager Women
A panty raid involving 400
turned-on boys and 399 eager
girls took place last night
at the Girl's Zoo, according
to Lean Gangster, campus
police chief.
The raid was caused by
several red pairs of pants be
ing hung out the window and
waved. "Come and get it"
and "Hi, there big boy" were
observed written on the pants.
At this point, a Lincoln po
lice cruiser equipped with dog
was called. This did no good,
however, as the officers joined
in the raid and the dog "Kep"
wag over getting "acquaint
ed" with the Phi Kappa Per
ceyville'g pledge trainer,
Dutchess.
All of the fire escapes were
folded down, and red carpets
MONEY
!Z3
7 !ars
"! ft
thing you want even trac
tors," Silverwater concluded
"Now get some initiative.
Go out and inherit a depart
ment store!"
Barry is sponsored by the
Young Dammits.
were extended down them.
The 400 boys proceeded up
the fire escape after the 399
girls. The girls, however, hav
ing reconsidered their posi
tion, became paniky. They
immediately got all of the fire
extinguishers and turned
them on the members of the
MP's (mother's precious) who
had been called out in a last
ditch attempt to quench the
raid.
The next event was the exit
made by the 400th boy. "Boy
am I leaked," said the de
scended. Roger Discontent, president
of Ram-it Council, stated, "I
think that it is a barbarous,
unprovoked attack on every
young woman's morality, and
besides, my girl is in there.
ONLY
, 'it --;
A 1
$ BIG
Catacombs Utilized
To Siphon Exams;
ingleader Caught
it
Officer Kenny Parkingticket
of the campus cops discov
ered the Moaning Tower sink
ing slowly into a steam tun
nel last night.
Investigation by Hardley's
Hall administrators found
that a tunnel built by student
gangsters of cheating syndi
cate fame had collapsed.
The collapse of the tunnels
was caused by the accidental
explosion of seven cases of
Haig & Haig which were be
ing stacked by Frank Costello,
Dean of Men.
Campus detectives discov
ered fourteen feet of pneu
matic tubes connecting all
buildings on campus leading
Renewal Campaign
Begins at Celstink
NEVER-ON SUNDAY slaves will hold a
blueprint burning at the kickof f ceremonies of
the Campus Renewal campaign.
The event will be held on the Quadrangle
roof, in order that all students may be able to
view the action.
Chancellor Spif Hardley will
light the match which will
start the campaign for the re
newal. The blue prints of the
new Twin Gables dormitory
will be burned first.
All references to new build
ings will be deleted from all
University records as the
campaign progresses.
Brainwashed
All individuals who have
new ideas for buildings or oth
er campus construction and
remodeling will be brain
washed or banned from the
state.
Hardley explained the pur
pose of the campaign.
"To renew all old structures
to their original state and to
reconstruct demolished ones."
The plan was the brain
storm of an ultra-liberal mind
ed Nebraska Senator, Snarl
Bi utis, who suggested the res
toration of all ancient build
ings in the state and the de
molation of any communist
inspred construction.
A mob demonstration is
planned this afternoon. Par
ticipants will be carrying
clubs; they hope to gain en
terance into the Pharmacudi
cal Building, new part of the
Union, Hardley Hall, Uni
High, Engineering Building,
Hysterical Society, the two Lu
theran student houses, the
Methodist and Episcopal
chapels, the Zeta Too Awful
house, the addition of the Aw
ful Chi Omega house, and
other relatively recent struc
tures to break all windows.
Large bulldozers will begin
on the heavier work tomor
row, and will continue as long
as it takes.
"We don't believe in rapid
changes," Hardley added.
"We believe in slow progress
for improving the situtation,
not radical attempts to change
the scenery of the campus.
Cooperative Effort
"We do not want to force
anyone into anything. This
DISCOUNT
from beneath the Tower. The
tunnels were apparently used
to collect finals and hour
exams which were left in
wastebask ts, on desks, in
desks, in L.'ing cabinets and
in safes of the building on
campus.
A 10,000 horsepower fan
powered by tapping into the
University steam lines sucked
air through the pneumatic
tube when the fan was turned
on, drawing papers, waste
baskets, filing cabinets, desks
and safes into the fan room
beneath the Tower.
Ace g to Officer Park
ingticl. the cases of Haig
and Haig were labeled Chan-
will be a cooperative effort,"
he continued.
"Brainwashing techniques
will only be used when ab
solutely necessary.
"Friendly persuasion is our
motto."
Long-range plans show the
University restored to its orig
inal layout. All 9,000 students
will need to be crowded into
Nebraska Hall, which the pro
moters hope will be restored
in the immediate futuere.
Old Blueprints
All 80-100 year old alumni
will meet next week to try to
pool their resources in order
to draw up the lay-outs for
some structures, whose blue
prints have been lost though
the passing years.
"Every building will be as
it was," Hardley continued.
"We should be thankful for
the insight of our senators.
legislators and voters. With
out their efforts this would
not have been possible."
Cornclods Start
Kicking Contest
Cornclods will sponsor a
clod kicking contest on a new
found cowpen west of Lincoln.
Spokesmen for the cloddy
organization say: "We hope
that everyone will get out and
support us by coming out and
slopping around. There will
be plenty of room for all be
cause all the hogs will be re
moved; to make room for
some more? Oh well, if no
body shows we can always
stand around and sling mud
at each other," said a few of
the newly initiated clods.
"If we run out of clods we
can always back to the Union
and hold a HUGELY attended
pep-rally. Lets all get out and
yell! Please???, And remem
ber above all, without support
we will dwindle."
$
(i.e.
THIS
cellor Spif Hardley, Hardley's
Hall, Univ . . .
All hour exams and finals
have been temporarily stored
in RRTC Warehouse (former
ly the Helgin Bldg) until
Costello and his boys can
either jack up the Moaning
Tower or move to new head
quarters. Chancellor Hardley has giv
en no statement until his
Haig and Haig is returned.
University spokesman say
said after all had returned to
pseud o-normal that the
Faculty Sensureit was ex
pected to hold an informal in
quisition on the case next
week. In the mean time Cos
tello has been suspended from
duty and placed in the Hard-
ley Hall padded cell, room
308.
Ringleader
Dean of Men
Likes 'Dumb9
NU Students
"But I onlv did it to helr
out those dumb kids who
couldn't get by an odder
way," said Frank Costello,
dean of men, explained today
m an exclusive interview in
his padded cell, room 308
Hardley's Hall.
Costello was abducted earlv
this morning bv the Stuoid
Council as ringleader of a
sub-rosy cheating syndicate,
whose enlarged pneumatic
tunnels caused the sinkins of
the Moaning Tower.
"The first thing vou eol to
do is put dem kids in cages
concrete ones with stainless
steel sliding doors. Den all I'd
have to do is push a button
every morning at 8 a.m. and
their doors would open and
qey couia go to class.
"At five D.m. I'd nush An
other button and their cafe
doors would shut again. Gee,
i ii Ke xo pusn buttons!
"For my office. I'd like a
big castle, instead of my arm
pit in Hardley Hall.
And I'd have a moat with
campus cops swimming in it
around my castle just for
scenery. Yea, and I'd dedi
cate it to Miss Sham Smart
ling," said Coltello, chewing
at his straight Jacket and tak
ing another bite of his opium
block.
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