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Vol. 74, No. 86
The Pink Rag
Tuesday, April 4, 1961
Clod Head To Pen Pos
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PRO - TA
Local Lincoln businessman G. Wells
worth Jeileybean is shown protecting Corn
husker Protege Joe Fudgesickle from a
raid conducted by Campus Police follow
ing the orientation meeting at which the
OR
'Dean Slowgin, I'd like you to meet my pledgeson."
New Dean of Ivy-Clad Law College
Promises Legislature Investigation
Sweeping changes in policy
are expected to emanate from
the walls of the ivy-clad Col
lege of Law next Sunday with
the installation of Say Fitz
gerald Rimmons as Dean of
the venerable old institution.
Rimmons, who succeeds
Dean Have-lt Now, has prom
ised his first official act will
be to investigate the legisla
ture. He said immediate attention
will focus on an investigation
of working hours at said legis
lature, in an attempt to make
the lawmakers justify their
gross waste of taxpayers'
money.
"Many senators work no
more than five and one-half
hours per week and in spite of
this absurdly low work load,
ihey have five or six fleet
footed pages doing " coolie
work," Rimmons accused.
No Interest
"What's more," he ranted,
"the legislature has apparent
ly done nothing to correct the
situation and has shown no
interest in so doing."
Rimmons said present stud
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tmm mm r r iHi i n i . n ii ao,..-fflmiM. n maim. miI tr"mtm,m,tmJjL waHRttnvwnu.
It was a difficult job, as some of the
members had quit school after the first
semester of their freshman year, but the
Daily Worker staff gathered together all
fee members of the class of 1961 for this
picture. Still wearing their freshman
beanies (which makes identifying your
I H o-fl00 EK
- JAY OR PLEDGESON?
ies of the legislative situation
show that the five and six hour
weeks are only one-third what
they should be thus leaving
the door open for wide-scale
pay reductions.
What do these senators do
with their spare time????????
Horrors, said the little profes
sor. They sit around and chew
the fat.
He said this emphasis on
research is beyond the intel
ligence of the common sena
tor and should have no place
in up-to-date law-making pol
icy. Deplorable
Rimmons said he fears the
deplorable situation will lead
to still more devastating re
sults in the future. i
"By 1963 senators will
work a two hour week and
spend the remainder of the
time introducing voters from
the home district, eating din
ner with lobbyists and taking
expense paid trips to all cor-;
ners of the state, be pre
dicted. '
Rimmons said the problem
will even become so serious
that the state might have to
spend some money.
INTIMATE GROUP
friends difficult), the group met at the
Chancellor's bome during Easter vacation
(attendance was taken, by golly), sang
a few choruses of "Go Big Red" and de
parted quietly (with a campus cop escort).
businessman served chocolate eclairs
stuffed with vodka spiced pimenttos. Jei
leybean said, "You ain't atouchin' him,
boys he's a pro-ta-jay and he oughta
know!"
He dug straight to the
source of troubles and found
what strange bedfellows the
legislature has.
Everybody's Doin It
"All the other legislatures
are doing it too," he ex
claimed, "but does this make
it right?"
And the waste is spreading.
. . . "The University, by not
standing up to this national
dilemma is wasting money,
brow-beating the taxpayer and
forcing other institutions to
accept similar glorious stand-:
ards."
Cries of agony have report
edly been heard from zillions
of people in regard to the con
troversy. !
A solution out of chaos?
Rimmons said the way
could be solidly paved by a
sensible use of tax funds and
the raise of work loads from
an absurdly low minimum to
a more highly absurd mini
mum.
"I hope that the law College
will stay with this thing and
see that it is straightened
out," called out the little pro'
fessor as he trotted off.
Lord Kalvert, manager of
the Sillv Clodanele. announced
been appointed as the new
warden of the Nebraska State
Penitentary.
The Governor made the an
nouncement of Kalverts ap
pointment shortly before The
Daily worker contacted tne
notorious University official,
"lord's continued success
in the field of food planning
and punting nas naa mucn 10
do with his appointment. As a
master of deception in his
own right, we feel fortunate
to secure this capable penol
ogist," the Governor said.
Kalvert started his infamous
career at the turn of the cen
tury when he was born. Short
ly after his iota Dirtnaay, a.ai
vert was civen the "Pessimist
of the Year" title as a Cub
Scout.
IPC: Brothers Unite!
Oh, What to Do
With Green Stuff
The Inner Paternity Council
(IPC) met last night in a
special executive session to
decide what to do with the
excess IPC money.
The money was obtained as
a result of a recent IPC of
fice expansion when the IPC
reportedly hooked Student
Union Manager Al Ben-Hur
rut of $35,000, said IPC Pres
ident Dawn Furtiveone.
The treasurer's report was
given by Dave Sandbag, who
suggested the money be put
into a special fund for a spe
cial Pan-Unhellike IPC func
tion. The debate among the exec
officers waged for three hours
with the various committee
heads and officers unable to
agree upon any definite plan.
Roger Flyers, head of the
activities and orientation
group, suggested the money
be put into a fund to bring in
five more prominent Greek
speakers during Greek Week.
An idea to put the money
into a trophy for last year's
All-Intermural Badmi nton
Tourney Champion and to
sponsor a new tuorney this
year was brought forth by Ron
Bold, D?C vice president and
last year's Intermural B a d
minton champ. '
C. Bailey Juklinski, head of
the political committee, pro
Agatha
The Daily Worker is proud
to announce the rise and fall
of the Fourth Estate's Soul
full Cal. Comrade sir pre
mier will be replaced as our
glorious leader by Comrade
Agatha Souless. She's am'ov
in in.
Comrade Souless is not a
newcomer to the basement
archives. She has served this
jock editor and assistant to
the assistant premier. And
now she has outdone her po
sition as assistant heir lead
er and will be in full com
mand as Boon as Comrade
Soulf ull Cal removes his moth
er of pearl desk lighter, (giv
en to him by his dear moth
er Pearl).
Ta ta Soulful. Don't be sour
full: if you need another job,
I hear tie American Bludgeon
has a spot in its heart for old
editors trying to fade away.
He won the award when his
scoutmaster failed to give him
a merit badge for outdoor
cookery and Kalvert wiped
him out with a home made
bomb.
Kalvert's next step on the
ladder of his career was when
he was appointed aean of
LARK school. It was here that
Kalvert came into his own.
He experimented in the meth
ods of discipline (where he
learned that it is easier to
kick your opponent when he's
down), meal planning for
large groups (five can eat for
the price of 10 if you are sly
enough) and the art of deceiv
ing your friends for the good
of the party.
"I'll always remember my
days at LARK as my forma
tive period in life. When I left,
posed to use the money tc
write another resignation let
ter, then overthrow all other
IPC officers and take over
himself after revealing the
group as a pro-activities
group.
Jim Big, head of the rush
ing committee, added he
thought the extra money
would be "beneficial for 15
more reels of the IPC rush
film."
Pill Pracy, public menace
and relations head, proposed
the money be used to start a
new campus newspaper
called "The Paternal Patsie,"
which would show what the
IPC has done in the last year
and if it plans to alter its set
up anc do anything this year.
Secretary John Nodose had
no suggestions to offer as he
was busy taking notes all
night.
No action was taken on any
of the proposals as "the IPC
has decided to postpone any
action on the financial access
until further investigation,"
according to Fertiveone.
The meeting was adjourned
after three hours, in w h a t
Fertiveone called a "short
busness-like meeting."
Coffee was served to all
members of the exec coop
and the visiting throngs dur
ing the meeting. i
Moves In;
P,
BACK SCRATCHER
Soulful! Cal, outgoing premier of the Dally Worker,
quips to his successor, Agatha Souless (his typewriter
mate), "You've got the job, the typewriter and my mother
of pearl desk lighter, now get off my back, Aggie 1"
I had acquired the talents I
now possess," Lord sighed.
When asked about his most
enjoyable a c complishment
while at the University, Kal
vert pointed to the February
"Dining room Brawl" when
he gave William Chessman
the heave-ho for questioning
the divine right of "Big Broth
er" as Kalvert was affection
ately known as during his
reign at Clodangle.
t y " ' ' - "11
Lord Kalvert, manager of Silly Clod
angle, is shown evicting William Chess
man from the dorm following a violet
argument over the kind of violets served
in the Silly dining room. As you can see,
Piff, Helen Destroy
With Cache of Hand
Students were shocked to i the Old Administration build
find that the entire city cam-jing- Although the authorities
pus was nothing but rubble as
they returned from Spring
vacation due to a devastating
explosion.
All of the University build
ings were destroyed with the
exception of a small dug-out
near the pillars. Inside the
dugout were the only two fac
ulty survivors Chancellor
Pifford Hardnose and (odd as
it may seem) Dean Helen
Damnation.
After a thorough investiga
tion, the FBI found the explo
sion was caused by a cache
of old hand grenades and ex
plosives uncovered beneath
Cat Out
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at ti t
Chessman was ordered to
leave the dorm when he and
Kalvert fell into a violent ar
gument over kind of violets
served in the dining room.
"Big Brother" will leave
the dorm tomorrow evening
at 8:17 through the under
ground tunnel. Accompaning
Kalvert will be Robert "the
back stabber" Souseulka, his
right-hand henchman.
Although Kalvert has asked
for "a quiet get-away." The
DINING R003I BRAWL
at first thought the ammuni
tion was stored in the ground
several years ago, a confes
sion changed their minds.
"Yes, yes, I did it . .
my own little chemistry set
and my ingenious mind," said
the Mad Bomber, better
known as our own Chancellor
Pifford Hardnose.
Got Her Licks In
The people of the state were
further shocked to hear that
Dean Helen Damnation was a
direct accomplice to the
crime.
"I so dearly loved the chan
cellor I gave my only begot
ten University," Helen Dam
nation hysterically screamed
although her eyes were gush
ing with radiation.
The stunned authorities
jaOed the couple in the city
jail where both may be seen
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AY(IH31S3!
Daily Worker has been noti
fied of the formation of a
send-off rally by the residents
of the Clod.
An unidentified sou -ce has
asked that everyone w h o
plans to attend the "rally bi
send-off" to come with noiss
makers (preferably Colt
.45's), confetti (condensed ra
dio active fallout) and any
other suitable instruments
used in similar festive occa
sions.
Kalvert shows little emotion over the rc al
ter, and his only statement was, "Nobody
but nobody undersells the dorm!" Chess
man's reply was, 'Aaaaiiiieeeee ..."
Campus
Grenades
by appointment where they
arefon exhibition to the pub
lic ft 10 a.m. and 2 p.m.
However, the nearly 10.000
students were not too shocked
at the sight of the rubble.
Are We Lucky?
"Whatta crazy fad we've
started now! I'll bet every
other college and University
in the United States is envi
ous," one student declarprf a
the sight of smoking ashes. -Several
downtown Lincoln
businesses have offered to let
students use their places of
business for classrooms. The
following is a schedule of the
make-shift classrooms:
Law College . . . Legislature
Bus Ad . . . D-B and Gee
Engineering . . . Interstate
highway
Dental College . . . Wyuka
cemetery
Music department . , . Bob
bies Happy Korner
All fraternities . . . Persh
ing Auditorium
All sororities . . . Nebraska
Theater
Teachers College . . . Toy
Castle
Union, Builders
Argue 'Way Up'
Builders and Student Union
Committee Chairmen asked -that
all members of the two
groups be on hand at the
meeting Wednesday (mass
meeting, that is) for the first
of the two great debates be
tween the student groups.
The first topic discussed will
be "On Your Way Up," and
both groups will present their
views why their group offerg
the fastest way up.
The second debate win be a
mystery contest between the
two groups.
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