Wednesday, April 1, 1959
I
I
Editorial Misrepresentation:
Rag Becomes Shopper;
Mendacity Destroyed
In line with our usual fearless editorial
policy and the real principles and pre
cepts of that sacred goddess of truth and
virtue journalism the Pink Rag will to
day tell the true story behind one of the
campus's most secret and closely pro
tected organizations.
The organization in question has long
enjoyed the protection of those in govern
ment who would keep all hidden from the
searching eye of the press. The cloak of
secrecy now, however is swept aside. The
Pink Rag today reveals the true situation
in that most perfidious of all departments,
the very scourge of a good newspaper:
The Daily Nebraskan business depart
ment. We have discovered, after long and care
ful perusal of the books, ad mats. Invoices,
ink pads and especially the business man-
Good Old Trib
Today we are going to write about the
Student Tribunal.
We are going to write about it because
It fills space so nicely and is so secretive
that we can make all kinds of misstate
ments about it without fear of contradic
tion. Also, we are going to write about it
mainly because we have taken a stand on
this furshlugginer thing a long time ago
and now we're stuck with the issue. Can't
afford to lose face you know.
The Student Tribunal was organized
around here because the students wanted
to govern themselves. Having thus estab
lished their inalienable right to take every
measure possible to avoid the wrath of the
mighty in the student affairs office, the
students walked away and, left the thing.
Much to their surprise, once the Tri
bunal got' organized, they found that it
went on handing out the wrath of the stu
dent affairs office like it had never heard
of such terms as whitewash and leniency.
This is a disgraceful way to be acting.
It is a betrayal of the simple trust the
good hearted electorate placed in the
hands of that Tribunal when they con
ceived it.
Moreover, it is conducive to law enforce
ment. Otherwise termed "crackdown" in
the student vernacular.
Now everyone knows that crackdown is
a bad thing. It forces people to exercise
self-restraint, and when you are young and
B student burdened with the problems of
sjudenthood, self-restraint just ain't the
thing to do.
To make matters worse, the Tribunal
Insists on surrounding itself wiht secrecy.
This always leads people to thinking in
terms of ''tool of the administration" and
ail that jazz.
Not only that, but it makes newspaper
columns awfully bare on Friday.
ager's personal bank account, that adver
tising is at an all time peak.
In view of the situation as it now stands
(more or less) and the cosmic conse
quences which are irrevocably involved
in any consideration of this situation, the
people of the Pink Rag have decided to
come to a conclusion.
We have decided to quit lying to you.
For this reason, The Rag has gone shop
per. Mostly, we have decided to quit lying
about the obvious status of this newspa
per because if we come out in the open
about this whole thing, maybe we will get
a salary hike.
Anyway, we feel it is time that we
stopped deluding the student body and our
selves that the publication of a newspaper
anywhere serves the altruistic purpose of
informing a free and democratic society
about its institutions, thus enabling them
to choose freely the course on which they
will set the nation's feet. (Yes, I know that
is a mixed metaphor, Dr. Hough).
There are four reasons for calling this
delusion what it is: They are to wit and
we emphasize, etc:
1. There ain't no news worth printing in
this paper anyway.
2. If there was any news, people
wouldn't read it.
3. If they read It they wouldn't do any
thing about it. (Note this sly reference to
apathy clever what?)
4. Newspapers are published for profit
anyway. (There now we've said it drag
us off to the torture chambers on the third
floor of Burnett Hall.)
Down with mendacity. Call a spade a
suite of cards. Let's face it let's be ma
terialists. What is all this rot about the
ideals of the nation's press?
Move over Sellentin. Here we come!
So there, children, is the reason for the
advertisement on the front page. That also
is the reason for the general ground swell
of advertisements throughout the paper.
Attention should also be given by the in
terested shopper for rare and occult bar
gains to the new. improved classified ad
section. Insidiously, the business depart
ment added a classified salesman at the
beginning of the semester to build up this
often forgotten department.
Now, prospects are bright for a full page
of classified ads with a classified special
consisting of a front page banner to be
run every day.
In conclusion let us say that this new
policy may not offer any distinct advan
tages to those who contemplate the Daily
Shopper as a stepping stone to the senior
honoraries, but it sure is nice for we who
are working our wav through.
$$$$$s$$$$$sss$
Stuffy Views
by Etaoin Furd
"y- ,f
Today in my editorial column I must
take a step that I would rather not, that
is to publicly come out in somewhat of a
form of opposition to the policy of one of
The Pink Rag's stands.'
In the past, we had op
posed coeducation on the
University campus and
listed our reasons for do
ing so.
Although the arguments
are strong for no coeduca
tion, I can really see no
narm in it. Ana wnue i a
feel a deep loyalty to the Jpt 1
policies of The Pink Rag, mt.,l
this is an issue on which I Fnrd
feel so strongly that I
must speak out.
The reasons are many, but among the
strongest are the position of the female in
this complex, shrinking world, and careful
consideration of what a college education
means to a young lady.
These arguments have been presented
opposing coeducation on the NU campus:
that the young ladies present a distraction
to the male student; that their intent is not
really for an education but for a good
time; and that they cause dissention and
argument among the men who should be
more concerned with the favor of a science
professor than a girl.
Counterplay
I would like to counter these arguments
with the following:
1. Perhaps certain coeds do present a
distraction to male students, but look
around you this number isn't very large.
Besides, the distractions of most would
not be ones that would cause more than
momentary concern, because the average,
studious NU man wouldn't want more than
one look.
2. Most of the NU coeds are here for an
education, contrary to reports. As Molly
Golly, sophomore Awful Ogle Pie said,
"Boy, you should know what ve learned
since I've been here. Nothing like a liberal
education."
Mary Blurp, unattached and unaffili
ated graduate student, said, "Talk about
education. I've had my nose in these lousy
books for five years. How come? Well, I
haven't had a date since the dorm formal
when I was a freshman. And I had a blind
date. The only reason I keep studying is
so that some day I can be rich and famous
and some handsome gold-digger will mar
ry me."
Social Life
3. Dissention or vying for dates is ob
viously dying out on this campus, so that
argument no longer holds up. With fewer
and fewer social events, this has been the
natural course. Besides, it is only an un
cultured dolt who would try to date a girl
another has escorted in the past. It would
be a breach of trust and a blot on the hon
orable code of the Nebraska man.
So that is why I contend coeducation is
OK. Let the girls go to school here if they
want. Live and let live.
All right, I wrote it, so please stop twist
ing my arm, pinmate.
Pink Rag
SIXTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD n
Member: Associated Collegiate Prest
Intercollegiate Prest
Representee: National Advertising- Service,
Incorporated
Published at: Room 20, Student Union
Lincoln. Nebraska
14th tc R
Th Pink Ra U frnerallj pobllhI m April I im-
h Khool ytmr. upt Sarins titnrt wiu-n .prl 1
JH during vacation or wlm th nivUlon Mudrnt
Afflr confiicatrs tbe prwufi, bjr itudrnt f the 1 nl
rly of Nebrk DrdfT thr to-rll-d -,ath'-.rl7.t'i
th on,mm on StndMi Affair. r 1 npnsova f
atndrat opinion, JaM aftoat all thr n ..Vwl ... nl
anp ontalnrd hrrWn in a pack of 11". " n- aairr
lot b IM vr wnt lflt. Mnrr monrr ".Iwt nay. Tiw
Knotn of itae flak Urns !' nmtunUi ,ft re-
pmuiblr for what thrjr nr, do or tmt to be printed.
Apr. 1. 1W.
Knnwrlptkm rat are M per mmKr or S lot tbe
arademtr rear. Wliat a jp.
F.nterr4 a tuna rtafcs matter at the post offfee la
Lincoln, braka. mitrr thr art of Au,-uit 4, 112.
EDITORIAL STAFF
Plrtator Gro. "MUprlnt" Mojer
As!. Dictator Mix Well (and fterve with an olivet
Ubel Controller .Oolnevere ldeii!!neft
fan and fr'rolle KdJtor R-jirlom I .a Tib
rrncU VUeldrn ..Carroll. Hamljr and CiiHr.
with h-lp from Annie
Jr. Penrll Wieldrrs Patty and Torrmy
Inln-pld Brf-'orteri 3!ar:la Tea. Sondrj Ware and
John Homy
Staff Photoitraplier Minute Rlre
m r-,;.VE-.a nta: k
f. ' '. Chesfer Jerry Seller
A .. heaiem !;:il n Morra 'n And;- HT:.out.
th.h:,y nU by Ytiar
ClrrulaSon .Ir . tf t'i ..m
Libel buit Clarence Iarrv
r
don't care if it was water ... it wasn't registered!
The Liar Patch
by Robin Redface
Aren't you glad?
It's time for my column
again and now you will all
be enlightened.
Today I am embarking on
a scathing ,
attack on
every-
thing from " ,
the Aye You X
Eff to help f JIT.' j J
But be-
fore I go on - 'v
to these jyrx
bvlons-ge- tL 1
ly worth- 6, ;,nj
less activi- Robin
ties, a word first about
these pagan practices some
times known as pinning
ceremonies.
First of all, let us con
sider the physical effects
when a coed takes on one
of these fraternity badges.
First, the danger of get
ting pin-sticks is doubled
when the coed wears two
pins. Think of how Student
Health could devote time to
healing of lepers, delivery
of children and appendix op
erations. Second, the physical stat
ure and posture of the coed
is endangered as she puts
an even heavier weight on
the left side of her quiver
ing little body. No wonder
so many pinned girls are
showing up nowadays with
one leg longer than the oth
er and twisted spines. The
wearing of two pins has a
very dangerous unbalancing
effect.
Thirdly, budgets are
ruined by the buying of
cigars, candy and other as
sorted items by the parties
involved in these pagan
rites. And the worthlessness
of it all is terrific. It has
been proved that only half
of the fraternity men re
ceiving cigars after a pin
ning smoke them to half
their length.
Besides, when the soror
ity girls get their candy it
adds to an already obese
community of coeds who ob
viously shouldn't eat more
than one meal a day any
way. Now that I've completely
trod over pinnings. I ll at
tack the so-called help
weeks some fraternities
have been trying to put into
effect.
Ha!
Patsy-watsies. When I
went through hell week I
was nearly beaten senseless,
I didn't get an hour of sleep
and I consequently flunked
three consecutive hour ex
ams. And I loved every
minute of it.
Let's keep our frat men
tough. Don't let pledges talk
back. Hit them in the mouth.
Bah! Humbug! Desolation!
Despair! Masochism! Fie on
Dental College! Bah!
And now for a few of the
people who have asked me
to put their names in my
column: Dean Spyder. Bob
Higherland, Orville Klautz,
Ed, Ed, the coolhcad. Eto
ain Shrdlu, Niaote Uldrhs,
Charlie Brown, Z o r g, The
Kingstone Trio, J. F. Dulles,
. G. ivers. Jon Mover
and Gloria Moratorium.
Ard before I completely
deflate Aye You Eff. I will
stop. I cannot stand it
Tom Slum has entered the
office. I think he is leaving.
As I was saying, are
Outstanding Nebraskans rea
ly? But I digress, as usual.
On with an attack on the
Kellogg Corn Flake Center.
What a worthless endeavor.
That is all that need be
said.
Aha. drinkers beware. I
have given my official sanc
tion to the Administration
and now they may stringent
ly enforce all those laws
they should have been en
forcing before.
I officially will see to it
that anyone" under twenty
one who is not drinking at
least one time during week
ends must appear before
the Student T r i b u n a 1 on
charges of conduct unbe
coming a University stu
dent. Such effrontery can
not be tolerated.
And now on to Aye You
Eff. I have just forgotten
what I was going to say
about it, but you can bet
that it was something that
wasn't very flattering, ha,
ha. But I'll get t h e m next
week.
So now kiddies, back to
the mausoleom for another
week until I can dig up
more dirt and slander about
all sorts of old, established
regimes.
Try to study until then,
honor your professor and
your housemother, and last
but not least, take lye.
Nothing
This space is largely emp
ty because we havn't any
thing to say anymore and
why bother you with some
meeting in the Dairy Barn.
Hi and Lois
ip youVE ear ws
likte hi anp me
OF WHOM YOU'RE J !
I'M OUtL HELP
TMEIR FUTURE VVITH
A U.S. SAVINGS
0ONP
Childsplay
by Wendie Wetsie
The forthcoming exams
again prompt some efforts
to please the sensibilities of
the noble opposition in the
grading department. Let us
start off by buttering them
up with:
Hunches
' I have a hunch (I had a
hunch?) that that perennial
best seller of the Mistory
Department. "The Heretics
of Western Decadence" will
again catch the eye of the
populace. Some of its more
popular features are vari
ety, sprightly style, human
interest, high quality paper,
a durable cover, numbered
pages, smatterings of tex
tual material, and a fine in
dex. It is interesting to note
that this book is made up al
most entirely of plagiarized
material.
These, of course, are ad
mirable things to say of any
book, but I feel that in the
interest of democracy and
the easily swayed, feeble
minded-children that will be
reading this book, that it is
obviously the work of a rad
ical. First of all just take a
look at the names of the ed
itors, Bailey and Johnson.
Any names as innocent as
those must be hiding some
thing. Then let us turn to the
table of contents. On that
list we find first of all a ser
ies of foreigners led by the
first recorded traitor, Soc
rates. Then in rapid succes
sion come the well known
figures Isaiah, Ezckiel. and
Job. Obvious pseudonyms.
I have not read their works,
but I am positive that men
with names such as that
could not be for American
principles. A prominent
name on the list, whose
writings take up 400 pages,
is that of General Cashiers,
a tyrant, if I ever saw one.
Last of all come several
works by Marx and Engels
and I guess that should be
sufficient warning. But in
case it is not take a look at
the next name VLADIMIR
ILYLYCH LENIN. WELL!
the
distillery . . .
Since dis is da foist time I wrote a column for da
Pink Rag, I got nothing to say except; Why don't dem
guys Phil and Frank . . .
A Few Unkind Words
c.e.c.e.c,e,ch
Have you ever browsed
through a dump? I have. In.
fact it was while browing
through this dump that I
discovered this, browsing
through this dump through
which I was browsing, this
dump. Oh! And lo and be
hold I found that it wasn't a
dump after all, but rather
the University Book Store.
Let me tell you that's an
interesting place! So never
browse through any dump
that isn't a dump and then
write a column unless you're
prepared to make it really
fascinating.
I saw a Cadillac the other
dav occupied by people. I
really thought that was in
teresting because they were
driving it in a manner un
common to the common
manner of driving a Cadil
lac and so there. It is out.
I wish I had a Cadillac. I
would drive it commonly.
Pardon me a moment, I
must r e 1 1 g h t my huga. It
goes out every three days
and then I must restoke it
with poppy seeds. (Catch
on?). As I was saying,
I went over to West Lin
coln the other day to
look at the ocean and al
though I have seen the
ocean in that very spot sev
eral times, I noticed that
something was awry. I
could see the land just like
.always and I could see the
sky just like always, and in
addition to that I could see
the ocean. (Fooled you that
time you thought I was go
ing to see the bottom of the
ocean.) But that day as I
looked out over our beauti
ful Pacific I saw . . . Blast
ed pipe. Some days it just
will not light. Maybe if I
put some tobacco in w i t h
those green poppy blossoms.
As I was saying I saw Eu
rope. Isn't that strange? It
was a little foggy at that.
Walking in the countr!
Who asked me that? George
did you ask me that? Ern
est? Jack? Sue? Alice?
Dmitric? What if nobody
asked? I still want to talk
about it. No, I don't walk
around the country like a
fool. Why I couldn't even
get out of the state in my
condition. But if lever
get a chance I'm going to
dream about the country
where you really find
out things. Some of the things
I dream about I would even
dare writing about, and
that's why I don't write all
that silly nonsense that you
can read about anywhere.
There goes that huga again
I think I will take it down
to Dmitric's and have i t
cleaned he has some very
sharp drills besides it is a
nuisance to carry all those
ashes around.
Cigarettes? I never car
ry them. Why should I there
are always plenty lying
around where you can get
your hands on them. The
other day I found one I bet
had three inches left on it
did I tell you about the
ocean? George? Sue? I
have? Why I didn't even
notice. Well since that
proved my point which was
to keep your column look
ing like a column and some
day someone will notice it
and start a controversy and
you will then be labeled a
columnist I had better close
now because I am sobering
up and I haven't even got a
match.
Kith
(By the A uihor of " Rally Round tkt Flag, Eoys! "and,
"Barefoot Boy with Cheek.")
THE TRUE AND TYPICAL CASE .
OF CHATSWORTH OSCEOLA
You all know, of course, that ever' engineering senior is receiv
ing fabulous offers from dozens of corporations, but do you
know just how fabulous these offers are? Do you have any idea
how widely the corporations are competing? Let me cite for
you the true and typical case of Chatsworth Osceola, a true
and typical senior.
Chatsworth, walking across the M.I.T. campus one day lat-t
week, was hailed by a man sitting in a yellow convertible
studded with precious gem stones. "Hello," said the man, ''I am
Norwalk T. Sigafooa of the Sigafoos Bearing and Bushing Com
pany. Do you like this car?"
"Yeah, hey," said Chatsworth.
"It's yours," said Sigafoos.
"Thanks, hey," said Chatsworth.
"Do you like Philip Morris?" said Sigafoos.
"Of orris," said Chatsworth.
"Here is a pack," said Sigafoos. "And a new pack will be
delivered to you at twelve-minute intervals every day as long,
as you shall live."
"Thanks, hey," said Chatsworth.
"Does your wife like Philip Morris?" said Sigafoos.
"She would," said Chatsworth, "but I'm not married."
"Do you want to be?" said Sigafoos.
"What American boy doesn't?" said Chatsworth.
Sigafoos pressed a button on the dashboard of his convertible,
and the trunk opened up and out came a nubile maiden with
golden hair, flawless features, a perfect disposition, and the
appendix already removed. "This is Laurel Geduldig," said
.Sigafoos. "Would you like to marry her?"
"Is her appendix out?" said Chatsworth.
"Yes," said Sigafoos.
"Okay, hey," said Chatsworth.
"Congratulritions," said Sigafoos. "And for the happy bride,
a pack of Philip Morris every twelve minutes for the rest of
her life."
"Thanks, hey," said Laurel.
"Now then." said Sigafoos to Chatsworth, "let's get down
to business. My company will start you at $45,000 a year. Y'ou
will retire at full salary upon reaching the age of 26. Vhen you
start work, we will give you a three-story house made of bullion,
complete with a French Provincial swimming pool. We will
provide sitter sen-ice for all your children until they are safely
through puberty. We will keep your teeth in good repair, and
also the teeth of your wife and children unto the third genera
tion. We will send your dentist a pack of Philip Morris every
twelve minutes as long as he shall live . . . Now, son, I want you
to think carefully about this offer. Meanwhile, here is ten
thousand dollars in small, unmarked bills, which places you
under no obligation whatsoever."
"It certainly seems like a fair offer," said Chatsworth. "But
there is something you should know. I am not an engineer. In
fact, I don't go to MJ.T. at all. lama poetry major at Harvard.
I just came over here on a bird walk."
"Oh," said Sigafoos.
"I guess I don't get to keep the money and the convertible
and Laurel now, do I?" said Chatsworth.
"Of course you do," said Sigafoos. "And if you'd like the job,
my offer still stands." e 1W,, M
Speaking of engineers, the Philip M orris company makef
filter cigarette that'i engineered topleane the moat discern
ing of filter smokers Marlboro, the cigarette with better
"make's." More ftacorplus more filter equals more cigarette!
..-- .-rj . -.--
