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PAGE' 2
THE DAILY NEBRASKAN
Monday, April 2, 1951'
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Editorial Comment
' Squeaks'
Dr. Hanson Shaves Van Dyke
In Favor of Jacquet Goatee
By Atoysius Gerp
r
The Fire House five plus two have just proved
a new record that is a cinch to break all exist
ing record sales. The tune, "The Firebird Suite,"
by Stravinsky, has so much strength and bal
ance to it that all music lovers will enjoy to the
end this rendition that the seven do. The first
movement is opened with a surprise. Harper
Goff plays a beautiful banjo solo that is done
in true classical style.
In the second part the entire group blend to
gether to form the background for a tuba solo
played by that noted tubist Edward Penner. The
third and final movement is a wonderful ar
rangement of clarinet and piano with another
solo.
This time the solo is by Danny Alguire and
his cornet. For a song that is done by the men
who can do it, hear "the Firebird Suite" as done
by the Fire House Five plus Two.
Word has just been received that Dr. Howard
Hanson, noted music composer and lecturer has
shaved off his Van Dyke in favor of the goatee.
According to the press dispatch, Dr. Hanson has
done this to throw off the false feeling that he
has for classical music.
From now on it is nothing: but the modern
progressive music for him. Although Dr. Hanson
agrees that the music of the old masters is pas
sible, that music can not compare, can not hoM
a candle, to the modern progressive music of
Stan Kenton, Illinois Jacquet and Dizzy Gillispie.
In fact, the goatee that Hanson is now sport
ing is a direct copy of Jacquet's. The complete
change that the Doctor has made can be summed
up in his own words. "From now on I am a gone
cat. It will bebop and nothing else."
Comedt
(Errors
8" iffc Rjf f
6WS ill ilIW
Skunks Open Fire
I'm sure that you are all familiar that as of
late Les Paul has been doing a wonderful job
with his new sound on record. The sound con
sists of dubbing one record over another one.
Now he has done the greatest. He now has a But now that Kegline season is back-tracked
song called "22 Guitars." For the newest sound
on wax hear this latest release by Les Paul.
By John and Marcla
"AN ODE TO APRIL"
Spring has sprung and winter
has come and went.
we all
thousand beavers, armed with I sal crime syndicate and will
ctool hplmAte nnrl shflrnened ' throw out all anti-crime meas-
ine unneci ixiauons iorces re-; teeth, had dug mile-wide trenches ures.
treated sixty miles from the 38th across tne Tjgriver. U.N. troops! "After all, you-all," the Presi
parallel last week. tripped and "plunged" four miles dent told newsmen upon return-
United Tripe reported that Chi-: jnto unknown depths, but re- ing from his' recent five-year va
nese communist ammunition was sumed normal upright positions cation to Key West, "what would
exhausted after ten battalions 1 under the protection of commu- the country do without its long
committed hari-kari from sheer ,nist yak-yak which was aimed at remembered gunfights staged by
boredom. However, the commu-tne beavers in payment for their j such national heroes as Lucky Lu
nists staged a new defensive outstanding disDlav of militarism, ciano and Dillinger?"
I whereby fifteen thousand skunks Chinese war correspondent,! The president plans to stage a
I were patrolled n:ong the 38th sing-Me-Song, reported the com- national campaign for a huge me-
e
au get skinny, observing parallel. The skunks were armed ' munists are working feverishly morial to Charlie Binaggio, th
ow that tfiin- !Mmn i, . bulet-P,of vests which on fresh opposition along the j Kansas City crime hero who wa
Stan Kenton and his orchestra have just cut
a new record that is sure to go over great. At
every dance that "Stan has been playing he has
been requested to wax this top tune. Under the
pressure of his public he has done it. The "Ten
nessee Waltz" with a trumpet solo by Maynard
Ferguson.
Up In the Village in New York, Tony Pastor has
a brand new trio, with a great thrush. The "Mil
lion Dollar Trio," as they are called really sent
the cats out of this world with each song that
they do.
The trio consists of Art Rubenstien piano, Jash
Hefitz violin, and Greg Piatigorsky bass. The
singer is Helen Traubel. I do believe that some
day these people will be known as great musi
cians.
The Boston Philharmonic Symphony have just
cut some new records for Victor Red Label.
These scores are some of the best that they have
ever done. Reason for this is the new additions
that have been made to the orchestra.
They include such all times greats as Buddy
Rich, drums, Lester Young and Flip Phillips,
tenor sax, Ziggy Elman, trumpet, Bill Harris,
trombone, Chubby Jackson, 'cello, and Woody
Herman, clarinet. With these new numbers, the
music has added spice.
That's all Paul.
"Pilfered Material"
Bold Com Shucks Staff
Steals 'Rag9 Writers
By Lucy Schmatz
Happy April Fool's Day to all you fools who
are going to read this column today.
With spring in the air all over the country,
students at campuses all over the country are
finding it difficult to concentrate on their book
larnin'; as a result, purgatory has broke loose
on many of these schools of higher education.
Dearie, do you remember when the "Rag" told
you the lurid details of the case of the missing
Daily Northwestern newspapers at Northwest
ern university? History has repeated itself, more
or less, at your own University. Usually I print
only stolen goods from other papers, but I feel
that in the public interest, I should report this
to you. . . The bold Corn Shucks staff is plan
ning on stealing not only Daily Nebraskans, but
the Daily Nebraskan staff as well.
From now on, the Corn Shucks will be printed
daily, and the "Rag" will be printed six times
a year.
Now who was it who said that any change
Is a change for the good?
The Chancellor of the University of Animal
Dentistry in Oshkosh, O., has disclosed a report
stating that the board of regents at that school
have been dismissed. Details of the dismissal
were held strictly secret until the student news
paper at the university interviewed the chan
cellor and wheeled out the details.
"The story boils down to this," stated the sen
ior class president at Oshkosh, Ayran Smith. "It
seeems that the regents went on a beer binge
instead of attending their weekly board meet
ing." "This in itself wasn't bad," stated Smith, "ex
cept, the chancellor felt left out and hurt when
he found that there wasn't enough beer for him."
The chancellor has appointed new regents al
ready. They are: Dr. Alvin Budweiser, Mr. Her
man Schlitz, Dr. George Hamms, Miss Wiihel
mina Storz and Dr. WiHiam Miller, a prominent
member of an Oshkosh family high in the life
of the university.
"I will see," stated the chancellor, "that such
an occurrence never reoccurs again on our fair
campus.
The University of Stalingrad just held a cam
pus election, reports the Daily Pravda Blow at
that university.
They wrote, and I quote, the election results:
School president, Bob Stalin; veep, Marylou
Molotov; secretary, Jack Gromyko; treasurer,
Gloria Vishinsky.
School spokesman, Al - Abcdefghijklmnopqrstu
vwxyzicoff, stated that "the elactions vas fair
and sqvare. Dere vas no ballot box stoffing, no
at-the-poll campaigning, und best uv all, ve did
nut even hev to use our guns; I gass dat EVERY
BODY knew jost how to vote."
The Lousley-Benton university at Lousley
Benton, Tex., reports a new and ultra-modern
method of graduating from university. Thanks
to new governmental policies at that univer
sity, no exams are being given, and all students
are going to receive grades no lower than 8.0.
The deans and chancellor of that school put
this ruling into effect after they had been kid
napped and held for ransom by students there
whose averages averaged a 7.9, and who had that
"left-out" feeling when in the company of those
whose averages were higher.
The board of regents there are still laughing
over the humorous prank. They stated (hysteri
cally laughing all the while), "I guess that boys
will be boys!" (this is a remarkable statement
considering the biological fact that boys cannot
be girls. This proves what I have always main
tained: there is absolutely nothing like a college
education).
So much pilfered materials for now.
So long,
"Flush"
really here.
Let's all go out and have a
beer.
We aren't concerned with this
and that,
Or who is and who ain't gettin'
fat.
Nor with Prof. Burbank, and his
lamous potato
Kids, what we want to know
is,
HOW IS YOUR OLD TOMATO.
Digging deep for the material
found in this column, the "Cats"
found these little tid-bits of news
for the day.
Fritz, "Lord Winterbottom"
Wefso and HowarC Dennivitch
were seen in the realms of Ron's
Supper club Saturday eve churt
ling over a glass of milk and their
own jokes.
Duke Ellington wants everyone
and especially Jerry Beripan and
Ha Jungbluth to know that "He
loves you, madly!"
Gerome Pssvol and Andrew
Risquclavitchs were married Fri
day in the First Sault Peter
church. The groom was dressed
in a hand woven imported China
silk tie, high botton shoes (black
bottons), box-back T-shirt with
roll away cuffs, and black flannel
trousers. This was high lighted
by a midriff westcott. The stun
ning outfit was set off by a World
War I bandoleer which jointly
served as a Cumberland. This in
cidntly was a gift of the bride.
Miss Risquclavitchs wore the con
ventual white satin gown.
Pinnings of Tie week-end in
clude: Betty Kennedy and Ted
Randolph, Burdette Randolph and
Bill Mundell, Charles Chill and
Little Orphan Annie, Betty Mun
dell and Bruce Kennedy. Boris
Karloff and Shirley Temple.
Among those present at the
Breck Nazaire were Bob Jensen
and Lane, Keith Lytle and Mary
Lou Rips, Frank Jacobs and Mary
Mackie and Walt Stevenson and
Dean Wilderness all were
dressed appropriately in the latest
spring fashion, with black built
in flask pouches.
Couples spending their idle
Easter vacation hours at the State
Reformatory's annual shin-dig,
the "Jail House Jump," included:
Figg Flugg and Donna Bully, Tex
Guardiner and Rusty Totter,
Frank Costello and Nancy C.
It is rumored that Mati Japp
has been named by the Univer
sity to represent Nebraska in the
all Big Seven invitational indoor
beer drinking tourney to be held
next week good luck Matt.
Coming events: Friday: Alpha
Sigma Sigma formal in the men's
lounge of the O'Shea Rodgers ga
rage; Saturday: All About Marge
and the Gay Decivers, double fea
ture playing at the Ellen Smyth.
Upon completing the physical,
the doctor said, "Mrs. Jones, I
have some very good news for
you!" Whereupon the lady said,
"But I'm Miss Jones, not Mrs."
To this the doctor replied, "I'm
afraid I have some bad news for
you!"
Seen on Mockingbird Hill were
Beautiful Brown Eyes, Redwing,
Pretty Baby, Bill and Mother Mc
Craee dancing the Tennessee
Waltz on their way to the Shanty
in Old Shanty Town.
An open note to Lucky Luci
ano: So you should go play in
your asparagus patch!
all ammunition SO 7nmilQ front tr hnlH hark new
that the U.N. troops were forced tj n troops
to "run for their lives." i
Retreating thirty miles from rr, i . r
the "overpowering fumes and Iruman liOOStS Crime
ammunition," U.N. troops at-! Truman will fight for crime!
tempted a mass comeback. After' President Truman stated last
advancing ten miles, opposition Thursday that he will take "posi
was again encountered. Sixty itive steps" to fight for a univer
1 "
J
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51 SPRING FASHIONS Miss Ethyl Alcohol models the latest
garb for the cool days on the campus. The classic dark skirt is
made of men's weight flannel and is 21 inches above the side
walk. The contrasting light blue parka and pink fuzzy-wuzzy mit
tens are worn to protect the coed in her defense battles against
the Nebraska winds. Her shoes, Navy gun-boats, and service
weight hose keep her from getting her legs dirty on "dirty sock
days" when she is jumping the little mud puddles.
Hoods, Mouton Mittens, Cuban
Heels 'Fashion for Spring
Draft Hits Campus; Grad Students
Predict, 'No One Will Be Left'
Let's face it. The draft has
hit the University.
It has not only swept come of
the students away, but has also
engulfed many in its radically al
ternating gusts of hot and cold
air.
Temperatures roared to an all
time high when white hot and
red winds came blustering from
several of the assembly halls on
campus recently.
Hot air customarily sweeps
from a number of the classrooms
daily, but never had the students
at the University experienced any
thing like this.
"The red heat wave has washed
so many students up, that before
long there will be no one left,"
commented one of the more pro
phetic graduate students recently.
Throw Greenbacks to Wind
Cold drafts have had an en
tirely different effect. It has
swept the coeds off their feet.
They have been forced to throw
many of their greenbacks to the
MnbT
Intercollegiate Press
roRTV-KIOHTH fEAB
The DbIIt Nebrtkn li puMUhed by the faculty of the University of Ne
braska for expression of their views. According to Article II of the by-laws, "It is
declared policy of the Board "hat any news which Is printed In this publication shall
be purely coincidental. Any resemblance to the truth shall be purely accidental. If
any views published In this paper are libelous It shall be the duty of the University
chancellor to pay any fines renal tins; therefrom."
Subscription rates to the paper shall be 2c an issue or $M per semester. Pub
lished during the school year with the exception of Tnesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, holidays, blue Mondays and washdays. Entered as
natter with the Dally Worker. Joint sebscrlptloni may be obtained by contacting
Misa Joan Krueger, communist saleswoman, at this office.
Editorial
MMar Horace Greeley
Manarlni editors Kin. ti i.ihnr nnrifmv
News editors Judy Holllday, Julius Caar, Hcdy I,ainarr, Queen Elisabeth, I be TUSt-prOOf, collapsible but not
k. a. oustavson' crumbly and the plutonium ele-
wind with the onrush of the cold
front and accompanying new
styles.
Since the frigid gusts have
compelled the girls to blow their
dough, a new ornament for skirts
has been introduced. The great
est thing since the dog leash belt,
the lead weight hemline is taking
the campus by storm.
As a result, Chicago is storm
ing. Boston is storming.
Said one fashion expert from
the "Windy City," "War demands
have left our lead supply almost
wholly untouched. The Univer
sity of Nebraska, now the crit
ical world situation, has depleted
our reserve."
University coeds, In response,
have thrown up their hands in
defeat, although they argued at
length that it is one of the most
sensible innovations that hit the
campus along with the draft.
Scientists Heed Plea
Scientists all over the nation
have heeded their pleas. They
are now working on a more dur
able alloy, composed of aluminum
and plutonium.
"This," they say, "will be a
substance that Willi ast longer
than lead. In fact, it may even
replace lead entirely in the very
near future."
These alloy amalgamists pur
port that it, the "alutonium," will
pporss Mitor Iledda Hopper
Assistant sports editor Harold E. Stamen
Feature editor Porohantas
Ag Editor B,thr M. Zilch
Hoeiety Editor Wln.ton Chnrchlil; Krvt.A ohservfr
Pbetograpber An, y. vin.hln.ky 8eYe ODServerS,
ment will add the desired weight
and strength to the aluminum.
"It is beyond a doubt," ob-
Bualneas
Msim Manager
IsaHatant Business Managers.
(Npealallon
tght News Editor
Nebraska coeds can, with this
innovation, battle the cold winds
l.ucretla Borrla with th pvtrn-nrlripH woicrht nn
Ireaay Thumb" Ouilli, Moo Tw Tung,, ui: . t 4V, ,
Richard Iludnut nemlines and 8t the Same tlme
shir'ey May France stifle the hot-winded manufac-
Queen Elisabeth turers in Chicago,
Ferguson Nanied.
As Fire Hazard
rerguson halt has been con
demned as a fire hazard.
This announcement was made
by Dean Roy M. Green, dean of
the College of Engineering and
Architecture.
"It appears we have been
gypped," he said. "A report by
the University engineer indicates
that construction of the building
was very sloppily done. I am hor-
Tified, not to say shocked."
engineering classes will have
to be moved back to their former
quarters, Dean Green said. Status
of the astronomy classes was un
certain, since the building which
formerly housed them has been ning and will not crawl under
torn down. i any condition.
Hoods, preferably anchored to
the coat, dyed mouton (bunny to
you) mittens and comfortable Cu
ban heels are a neccesity in ac
cessories this season. The hood
serves a double purpose as a
windbreak and a cover-up for un
ruly locks. The mitten are not
only colorful, dyed to match any
costume, but will provide excell
ent protection in case of a boxing
match with a Roman.
Shoes with the low heels and
stable shoe strings will prevent
any coed from getting cought in
man-hole covers, side walk vents
and mud traps by the Phi Psi
house. This stylish heel also pro
vides a stable base for any inebri
ated action that is to be taken.
Skirts are to be shortened a few
inches to presribe to the new
length, 21 inches from the floor.
The new length also enables the
viewer a scenic glance of the
new cotton mesh hose which are
guaranteed to cover up all knee
dimples and keep knock knees in
check. These hose are non-run
In evening wear turtle neck
gowns of such lavish materials as
burlap and soft spun barbed
wire will find a lovely setting at
the Plamour brawlroom. The
slender figure may be highlighted
by shoulder pads, hip pads, knee
pads and "falsie" pads.
Something new in accessories
for evening is the shoulder feed
bag. These bags are easily ob
tained from any deserted horse
barn or may be whipped up from
any old plaid blanket, used or unused.
A. T. Anderson Gives Report
On False Russian Claims
The Russians did not win the
las war single-handed.
This was revealed in a report by
Alben T. Anderson, following five
years of research on the subject.
In his report. Anderson savs
that the Russians did not invent
the sewing machine, liquor, wom
en, Hadacol, the electric light,
the revolving door, reducing ma
chines, automobiles or kitty cars,
as was claimed in a report by the
Russian press, Pravda.
Anderson spent years pouring
over repo-ls from both sides of
the Iron Curtain. He spent hours
interviewing Sen. Joseph Mc
Carthy, Sen. Dudley LeBlanc and
others to determine the truth of
the Russian statements.
"Such reports are vicious and
untrue," Anderson said. "It ap
pears that the Russian government
nas lied irom the start to finish
about its achievements. It would
almost appear that the govern
ment has lied from start to fin
ish." First Publication
This is undoubtedly the first pa
per to publish the dramatic story
of Anderson's adventures while
he carried on his research from
both sides of the Iron Curtain.
He spent two months learning
to manipulate the acetalyne torch.
At the end of this period he was
able to sear a hole in the Iron
Curtain, big enough to take a
push cart through, In less than
five minutes. To escape detection
he immediately welded the open
ing shut again in the spectacularly
short time of seven minutes and
four tenths seconds.
Once through, Anderson donned
the clothes of the laborer and
proceeded along the highways
(dirt pathways) to the various
cities where files on Russian
achievements were kept.
When he had gathered suffici
ent data Anderson changed into
a military uniform and victori
ously strolled through the sliding
door the Russians had made into
the American sector of Germany.
From Germany Anderson
rushed via rubber life raft to the
United States and Morrill hall
where he compared his findings
with those of U of N scientists
(music majors).
However it seems that Ander
son's movements were not entire
ly authorized by the government
and the dean's office. The Student
Council promptly opened an in
vestigation which is broadcast in
ts entrety over a major network
of wheh KNU s afflated.
Anderson has been ill these
last few days and prior to that he
was reluctant to answer the
questions of interrlgator Louis
Pierce. Anderson objected strong
ly to publicity given him by
Frank Jacobs, editor of Corn
shucks, a notoriously known
scandal sheet.
Many believe that all charges
will eventually be dropped but
the investigation nevertheless has
been effective in arousing interest
in Russian claims of inventions.
Because of the proceedings it ap
pears likely that more Russian
firsts will be proved stolen.
was
cruelly shot to death by a vil
lainous policemen while staging
one of the most spectacular and
heroic gun battles in history
against Kansas City cops.
This memorial will be a huga
fourteen-carat-gold bullet with
the awe-inspiring inscription, "To
my favorite promoter, Charlie,
from your little pal, Harry."
The President plans to have the
memorial finished by the time of
his retirement from the presi
dency, in 1995.
Minor Drunks Foreseen
Beginning April 1, all minors
will be allowed to buy beer,
whiskey and to gamble anywhere
in Nebraska.
This decision was made by the
Nebraska Legislature last week
after five thousand Lincoln chil
dren, ranging from two to thir
teen years old, stormed the state
capitol in protest.
"Give me thome whithkey,"pro
tested one three-year-old, "or I'll
tell my Daddy!" A ten-year-old
girl stated that she was in dire
need of a daily supply of gin to
cure her rheumatism.
Professor Old Grandad Blatz
told state senators that what had
formerly been called "intoxicat
ing" drinks have proved to be as
mild and healthful as milk. The
senate finally voted 649 to 1 for
the measure.
However, the senate has re
ceived many protests against the
bill. University students especially
feel the new bill may pull other
wise innocent freshmen and soph
omores into habits that may ruin
the non-drinking, non-gambling
college community. Rod Smod, in
The Daily Nebraskan, expressed
the feelings of students all over
the campus with his unforgettable
words, "No, never, not this!"
A-Bomb Attack Awaited
Two men and a woman were
found guilty of stealing America's
A-bomb secret in behalf of com
munist Russia.
The trio were congratulated by
the President and commended by
the federal court jury. "They
have done us an outstanding serv
ice," commented the court judge,
Irving R. Kaufman. "With our
new anti-A-bomb spray gun, we
dare Russia to bomb the U.S."
The President stated, "It's about
time Russia got hold of that bomb.
They finally got the brains to dis
cover what we've been trying to
give them for thirty years."
The country will anxiously
await an attack by Russia within
the next few months in "Order that
they may test the new spray gun.
NU Bulletin
Board
Monday
BABW final meeting at 8 p.m.
in the Barb activities office. All
outgoing board members are
urged to be present.
Thomas N. Ekberg will meet
his friends in Joe's at 7 p.m.
Ti'fsHav.
Gurgling Geishas meeting at 2
a.iis. in faculty lounge.
Idiots Anonymous meeting in
201 Union
Mortae Board monthly meet
ing at first floor lounge at men's
dormitory.
Faction meeting at the witch
ing hour at the third TNE sign
west of 16th street. The public
is cordially invited.
Connie Gordon will meet any
one at 4 p.m. in the "Rag" office, i
Lavendar Lovers meet in the!
linen closet from midnight on.
Al Prices Cut
Food, clothing and cigarets will
be cut to at least one-half their
former price within the next
month.
Women's suits will be priced at
$15 or less. Men's suit-nd over
coats will not be priced above $30.
Butter will go down to 16 cents,
and a good T-bone steak dinner
can be purchased for 65 cents.
Cigarets will be priced at 39
cents per carton and free lighters
will be included with each car
ton. However, the average worker's
income may go up to $35 billion
a year, according to Price Con
troller, Lucky Spendthrift.
The price outs and increased
wages were brought about be
cause of the terrific decrease of
needed funds for the national
budget. Also, sixty-five countries
have paid back $75 trillion dol
lars of the $76 trillion owed the
U.S.
Main Features Start
State "Virginia City," 1:26,
5:23, 9:20. "Dodge City," 3:31,
7:28.
Husker: "Navy Bound," 1:00,
3:07, 5:14, 7:21, 9:28. "Sinister
Journey," 2:04, 4:11, 6:18, 8:25,
10:32.
Varsity: "Lullaby of Broad
way," 1:28, 3:28, 5:28, 7:28, 9:30.
All students who want to see
their name in print on the
Honors Day convocation pro
gram, see Hank Cech, scholas
tic honorary chairman, Booth
2, DB & G, any time during
the day. There is no deadline
that must be met, since the
program will not be printed
until at least one person re
ceives a passing grade. Cech
blames the dense feeling
caused by the dense interna
tional situation for the low
grades.
SNEAK
PREVIEW
TONIGHT COME
AND SEE
"LULLABY OF
BROADWAY"
& A SPECIAL SNEAK
Rand to Address
June Graduates
Sally Rand Inoted performer,
will address the University grad
uates in ceremonies, June 5.
This was announced today by
the chairman of the convocations
committee. Miss Rand will dis
cuss, "How I Became a Success."
She will describe her efforts to
get to the top and how she got
there.
Each graduate will be allowed
a personal interview with Miss
Rand if they so desire.
.11 tM rl 4
WITH AU-STAR CAST
DODGE CITY'
AND
'VIRGINIA
CITY'
H0PALONG
CASSSDY
"SINISTER
JOURNEY"
lot BIO HIT
i .
L 4
PLUS
GENE NKAL
"NAVY
BOUND"
