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Conservative ,
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Even as a broken
DETHRONED down and retired
MONARCH. w a r-horso ignores
the curb and defies
the rowel when he hears the bugle
call , so Tom Reed must fume and
fret , and long to bolt back to his old
place in the ranks when his copy of
the Congressional Record reaches
him , with its load of ' ' Czar Hender
son" epithets.
One of two
INCOMPATI- things is true ; either
BILITY. the ship subsidy
scheme retreats a
step every time Senator Raima's can
didacy receives a fresh impetus or
Senator Raima's candidacy receives a
fresh impetus every time the ship
subsidy retreats a stop into the
shadow. State the case wliion
way you will , the undeniable
fact remains that subsidy and
popularity do not rhyme nicely.
For the same rea-
ULTERIOR son .which prompts
MOTIVE. an Irish tenant to
entice his landlord
into the bog , the Omaha World-Herald
urges the editor of its hated rival , the
Bee , to run for congress. Editorial
effusions of that nature should be sent
out with a fender on ahead to prevent
the infliction of serious injury upon
confiding individuals who stand upon
the track.
Miss Catharine
CAUSE AND Maude Rice , of
EFFECT. Louisville , Kentucky
laughed herself to
death one day last week , and physi-
( j cians are chary of their explanation.
Not being a physician , consequently
having no professional reputation to
i maintain , The Conservative ventures
the suggestion that as the fit seized
her upon the very day that Ghaffee
announced the entire pacification of
the Philippines , it is possible that
the two interesting events are con
nected in some way.
M. A. Hanna's
HANNA. love of a good figKt
did not pass away
with McKinley. Having no other
warm friend whose candidacy needs at
tention , Mr. Hanna , rather than rust
out in idleness , will even deign to look
after his own affairs , like the baby
which plays with its own toes , when it
is unable to reach anybody's else.
Having hitched to his chariot the two
good horses , "Capital" and "Labor , "
he promises to run a good race , if the
team can only be kept in step. There
is but one circumstance which can pos
sibly prevent his becoming president ,
and that circumstance is Theodore
Roosevelt.
In this democratic
TITLED ARIS- country there are
TOCRACY. many who secretly
sigh for a revivifi
cation of the feudal system , and do
not sympathize with the democratic
custom of allowing military heroes
to struggle along with no title to dis
tinguish them from the common
plebeian herd.
Henry Wattersou spoke for the
establishment of a titled aristocracy
by referring to the nation's executive
as "That Man on Horseback at Wash
ington , ' ' and Senator Rawlins gives
the movement fresh impetus by dub
bing General Chaffee "The Dastardly
Villain of the Philippines. "
Now and then one
THE REAL gets a glimpse of the
SOUTHERNER , real , old-time south
ern gentlemen , little
advertised in the North and some
what slighted by the author of
"Uncle Tom's Cabin. "
General Wade Hampton's funeral car
was driven by an ex-slave , eighty-five
years of age , who was born on the
Hampton estate , and will die there if
his wishes are respected in the
future as they have been in the past.
Many other ex-slaves followed the
body of the man they had never
ceased to call "Mars Hampton , " to
its last resting place , but there is no
report to the effect that Legree and
the bloodhounds were in the proces
sion.
Inspired friends of
POSSIBLE EX- General Miles com-
PLANATION. plain that the senior
officer was given a
stinging tongue-lashing by the Presi
dent , while the irrepressible Fuuston
was reprimanded by wire.
The President will be acquitted of
the charge of partiality by those who
pause to reflect that it is a far cry
from Washington to Denver , and ,
strong as Mr. Roosevelt's lungs are
known to be , he probably feared that
even if his sonorous voice should
prove equal to the task imposed upon
it his words would lose some of
their sting when they reached the
rarified atmosphere beyond the Colorado
rado line.
Brigadier-General
MERITED RE- Frederick Funstou
BUKE. has many warm
friends and ardent
admirers , and out of the thousands
who neither befriend nor admire him ,
few really wish him ill. Upon
every hand is deep regret that he
has so conducted himself as to neces
sitate the promulgation of the fol
lowing cruelly outspoken order :
" War Department , Washington , D.
O. , April 22. Sir : I am directed by
the president to instruct you that
he wishes you to cease f urthor public
discussion of the situation in the
Philippines , and also to express his
regret that yon should make a sena
tor of the United States the object of
public criticism or discussion. Very
respectfully ,
WILLIAM OAKY SANGEK ,
Acting Secretary of War.
To Brigadier - General Frederick
Funston , Commanding Department
Colorado , Denver. "
Jackson's famous reply to those
who urged that the government
should go but of the banking business
was , ' ' Let the banks go out of the
government business ! " With equal
force President Roosevelt might say
to those who denounce the executive
for embarrassing the military branch ,
"Let the military branch cease em
barrassing the executive. "
There is a good
COMPLETE story of an elderly
BIOGRAPHY. individual who ap
peared at the desk
of a metropolitan hotel each morning ,
and helped himself to the contents
of the match receptacle. Unfavor
ably impressed with the appearance
of the individual , and little relishing
his f&miliarity at the desk , the clerk
frowned ominously at him one morn
ing and none too gently remarked
that he did not know why a stranger
should feel free to appropriate the
hotel matches without leave or
license. "Stranger ! " ejaculated the
offender , "Why , Great Scott , man !
Don't you know me ? " The clerk ,
somewhat taken aback , replied :
"My dear sir. Possibly I should
know you , but really I do not. "
With pompons dignity the man who
had been busily picking up matches
during the dialogue impressively
answered : ' ' You do not know me ?
Well , you should ; I am the man who
comes in here to get matches ! "
There is a man who appears before
the voters at each election , and asks
for their ballots. Naturally the
people wish to know something of
him , and his career. They wish fo
know what part of his public record
entitles him to consideration , what
laws he has fathered , what interests
he represents , to what laborers he has
given employment , how many wid
ows' boards are freighted with his
bounty , and how many earthly gar
dens bloom the brighter on account
of his having been born. They see
him ; they hear him ; but they do not
know him. Upon requesting in
formation they are pompously ,
grandly informed : "You do not know
me ? Well , you should ; I am the
man who runs for president ! " That
is all.