"What shall wo do
BY WAY OF with the Philip-
SUGGESTION , piues ? " This ques
tion is revolved in
every citizen's brain. Though some of
them , influenced by partisan prejudice ,
undertake to prove that the accident
which placed us in control of the fair
isles of the Pacific was not an unfor
tunate one , secretly every thinking man
knows that the archipelago is a burden ;
the question is how best to shake off
that burden. The Conservative has
given the perplexing problem careful
thought , and submits its views to the
public.
The fairest and most productive of
the islands we would give to the people
of the Philippines , to do with as they
may see fit.
A large island we would supply with
a brewery and dynamite factory and set
it aside for the accommodation of all
of the anarchists except such as are
hereinafter enumerated to be occupied
and owned by them only so long as they
live contentedly without laws or rulers
of any sort whatsoever.
Another large isle should be turned
over to the socialists , their title to lapse
as soon as as they cease to operate their
government entirely upon the lines laid
down in their present declaration of
principles. It is important that these
people should be made to understand
that upon their island there will be no
individual ownership of any property
whatsoever , consequently nothing to
stimulate industry , no reason why a
man should labor a minute longer than
he has to , or seek to work out scientific
or mechanical problems. No reward
could be given him in the event of suc
cess , as that would be inconsistent with
the principles of socialism. *
We would select a large and fertile
island and install therein all of the
Mormons and polygamists and allow
them to draw from this country all fool
women who might care to share their
lot. This island would do a valuable
work by ridding this country of a lot of
nuisances who hang about back doors
endeavoring to impress kitchen wenches
with their stories of Zion and the
prophets who do not however have
any permanent street address at present
and likewise relieving our land of all
the women foolish enough to take any
stock in their fairy tales.
A smaller island could be occupied by
common fools ; fellows who point loaded
guns at people , and fellows who enjoy
having guns pointed at them ; people
who feed babies bug poison by mistake ,
and men who ride bicycles at break
neck speed around sharp corners and
through crowded streets ; fellows wlio
jerk chairs out from under friends or
stretch cords across sidewalks on dark
nights. This island must be large and
productive , in order to accommodate the
crowd.
We would select a few of the smaller
islands for the reception of individuals
who cannot live in peace with anyone
else. Senator Wellington , Carrie Na
tion , General Miles and like characters
who have never loved anyone or any
thing , should be given a small island
each , as absence makes the heart grow
fonder , and , living alone , they might
learn to love somebody or something
upon the principle illustrated by the
author of "you will never miss your
mother till she's gone. "
One island , remote and inaccessible ,
should be provisioned with forty years'
rations , a printing press , megaphone ,
phonograph , a tin sword and "Coin's
Financial School , " and fitted up for the
exclusive occupancy of one Peerless ,
who would thus be placed in a position
where he could expound to his heart's
content , without bothering or disturb
ing men who have real business to at
tend to , which is at present slightly
damaged by the periodical flood of elo
quence which inundates the lower
walks of life , and casts a
malodorous spray over the habi
tations of men who sit in high places.
Certain Americans
REAL ESTATE are accused of hav-
TRANSACTIONS. ing been unduly in
fluenced in the mat
ter of the purchase of the Danish
West Indies. One Walter Christmas
claims to have expended enormous
sums in purchasing lobbyists and
newspapers , and promoting the sale
generally , and asks the Danish gov
ernment to pay him $500,000 commis
sion on the deal. But the Danish
government asked to be shown an
itemized statement of the expendi
tures , and having been favored with
it , promptly allowed it to leak out ,
and there is said to be trembling in
high places.
Americans should not , however ,
accept unhesitatingly the unsup
ported statements of this man
Christmas , particularly as he and
his alleged co-operator have been re
pudiated by Denmark whose officials
absolutely deny having authorized or
countenanced the expenditure of a
single dollar in this enterprising
way , particularly as it was known
from the start that the treaty would
be ratified by America and the only
place where any pressure could have
been thought necessary was in Den
mark.
Possibly that little statement was
made for the enlightenment of Den
mark alone ; at any rate its publica
tion has exposed its absurdity , as
none of the men to whom the sums of
money are supposed to havd been
given took any active or particular
interest in promoting the transaction ,
nor do they seem to have in any man
ner attempted to bribe or otherwise
influence legislators to work for the
treaty , which seems to have been
the result of an outcropping of
the modern American desire for ex
pansion by acquiring commercially
worthless , and strategically unim
portant territory. If Christmas &
Co. are doing an international land-
vending business , and are able to
convince Denmark that a commission
is duo them on this sale , that is not
our affair , as the American people
certainly favored the purchase of the
islands at the figure named , and are
not a cent more out of pocket should
Denmark decide to give away the
entire purchase price.
We have pro-Afri-
HEROES UNcans , pro-Boers , pro-
HORSED. Chinese , pro-expan
sionists and prohibi
tionists in plenty , but of late very
few pro-Americans. It is really
dangerous to do anything for this
country , as an evil fate seems to
overtake all who do and dare for the
land of the free. Shatter , Miles ,
Funston , Dewey , Sampson , Schley ,
Hobsou have in turn submitted
their claims for popular approval ,
and have each been shoved off
the pedestal excepting Shafter and
Fuustou who somehow never could
manage to clamber upon it. But
worse than all this , Henry Watterson
refers to Colonel Roosevelt as "that
man on horseback , " and Grover
Cleveland dubs Colonel Bryan an
"afflictive visitation. " Mr. Watter-
son's characterization of Mr. Roosevelt
velt is easily understood , because Mr.
Roosevelt never pretended to be any
great sort of a man in the field ,
but how Mr. Cleveland should dare
to refer to the man who secured the
ratification of the treaty of peace
by superhuman exertions , and subse
quently repudiated every clause and
passage of it by even more strenuous
efforts , as an "afflictive visitation" is
most inexplicable. There went our
last patriot , unless we choose to
worship at the shrine of Pat Crowe ,
or the mythical gentleman who made
Milwaukee famous.
So far as The Con-
ENOUGH SAID , servative is con
cerned , the Samp-
son-Schley controversy has been
dropped. More properly speaking , so
far as The Conservative is concerned ,
it has never been opened. We be
lieve that the navy , the country and
the newspap 3rs would have been as
well off if no mention of the unfor
tunate misunderstanding had ever
been made. However that may be ,
it is now patent that the welfare of
the American navy demands that
the controversy be ignored from this
time forward ; consequently we have
been forced to refuse space to several
L
