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Conservative.
BARBED WIRE.
All the world kicks a kicker.
Judging from the amount of twist
ing it withstands , that tiger's tail
must have a swivel attachment.
There is consolation in the thought
that if Teddy ever does ride a hobby
it will , in all probability , be a long
tailed one.
G/olgosz was jnst twenty-eight
years of age ; which fact gives color
to the claim that there was a great
crime committed in ' 73.
There are no anarchists ; they are
simply "agitators. " True , good but
ter and good laws are the results of
agitation , but please don't break the
churn.
A good half of the patriotic gentle
men who are crying aloud for the an
nihilation and absolute extermination
of the anarchists ought to be arrested
for attempting suicide.
We have a joke submitted by a
friend. It connects Turkey and Greece
with Thanksgiving Day. We consider
it good ; in fact , almost as good as it
seemed to be when we heard it first ,
some five or six years ago.
fa One Buller , who operated a ferry
line on the Tugela river , in South Af
rica , a year or so ago , has made a
speech which rang around the world ,
but the ring sounded not unlike unto
the tintinnabulation of the merry
chestnut bells.
This peerless one's friends still in
sist that ho is planted firmly on the
Chicago platform , but to those who
have carefully read the returns it
looks mightily as though he were
planted firmly under it , and planted
good and deep , too.
Another day of rest and praisi ; ,
Another sigh for by-gone days ,
Another tear of vain regret ,
Another struggle to forget.
Another sermon drear and long ,
Another feast , a bowl , a song ;
Another turkey dressed with care ,
Another good old-time nightmare.
Not wishing to be personal , the per
manent school fund seems to be any
thing but permanent. Still , not wish
ing to be personal , a servant who
works for himself on his master's time ,
or invests his employer's wealth for
his own gain , will not hold his job
very long.
The last one is a minister , and he
says he has invented , and is now oper
ating , a motor which runs from pow
er generated within itself. Says the
wheels have been , turning busily and
continually for three months. Other
inventors , no doubt prompted by jeal
ousy and envy , drop vague hints as to
the probable location of the wheels
which are , to say the least , exceeding
ly unkind.
' . * > - ' , '
* V - f fi'v
The board of inquiry inquired ; the
judges judged ; the reporters reported ,
and the stenographers stenogged , but
out of it all there came no word re
garding that "heavy firing in the
Windward passago" which the yel-
lowoid press exploited so freely dur
ing the late unpleasantness.
In by-gone days the stout oak tree
Felt tender Ivy clasp his knee.
Ho raised her up ; then gently reeked ,
And vine and branches interlocked.
Close clasped in his great sturdy arm ,
Secure from ev'ry care or harm ,
Her clinging tendrils round him roved ,
And thus , contoiit , they lived and loved.
But now , alack I The modern vine
Feels gentle Oak her form entwine.
She stands erect , superb and tall ;
While Oak must grab a root , or fall.
The battleship"Nebraska , " the keel
of which was laid some two years ago ,
is now bulletined as one per cent com
plete. Let's see ; once two are two
and naught is naught ; well , we will
all turn out to launch her in the year
2011 , and there is a remote possibility
that the young lady who has been
considered the only Jogical candidate
for champagne shngor may have some
great , greater , greatest , granddaugh
ter to perform that high office.
Whether Mrs. Roosevelt said any
thing about it or not , the fact is that
any woman who will admit , aye
strenuously contend , time she can
dress and look presentable on $800
per year , is nearer to the American
heart than the one who claims that
$10,000 is not a stiver too much. A
woman , who has to put on $10,000
worth of frills in order to get people
to look at her , ought to be kept in a
dark box stall and fed on pale pills
for pink people.
Who beatHollenbeckV The peerless-
ocracy lays the blame at the door of
the dodolists , who enter a general de
nial , and file a cross petition in which
they allege that the democrats ( mean
ing real democrats without any isms
attached ) are getting tired of the
partnership. The prohibulists say it
was the saloonarchists with their
little round robin , and so these delud
ed men go it , each with his separate
explanation. Who beat Hollenbeck ?
It was little Sammy Sedgwick , with
his bow and arrow. This is a
1' scoop. ' '
"Now , " remarked the statesman ,
musing , "this is growing real confus
ing and there's really no excusing
men who idly pass me by. It was I
who plainly stated all the issues I
created ( which were all exterminated )
and the main one was just I. In the
' 96 convention I believe I made some
mention ( midst a scene of some con
tention ) in my own best metaphor ,
that if I should bo elected , common
men would be protected , and no more
would live dejected , hnrried , trod
den down and poor. Beaten here , I
sought to counter with some issues
paramonnter but emerged from the en
counter with my main mast shot away.
Now I view the situation as a certain
indication that they're off the reser-
ration ; paramounting doesn't pay.
For when came the time for voting ,
though I never ceased keynoting , they
did things to mo denoting that each
had a stingaree , and at last I see the
token that the combination's broken.
Olear from Sitka to Hoboken they
have stacked the cards on me. "
Ho stood beside me in the twilight dim ;
1 felt his icy finger touch my check ,
And on that hand I saw the bloody streak
And speechless , breathless , sat and looked at
him.
I knew the shade of C/.olgosz , so quick
thought :
"Why comes he to the Earth he caused to
mourn ?
Has he returned from that clnrk , distant
bourne
To view the ruin his foul hand hath wrought ? "
"BaseKnave ! " I shouted , "Is thy penance
done ?
Or hast escap't thy dread infernal doom ? "
"I'm on parole , " ho answered through the
gloom ,
'To tell you there are others , " and was gone.
A lady whose head we intend to
measure , spews into the sour columns
of a dyspeptic college paper the
alarming information that 500 out of
600 inmates of a New York prison
"confessed" that they had been smok
ers from youth. Perhaps 500 out of
600 of them also wore false teeth , or
parted their hair in the middle , or
carried umbrellas on wet days , ate
sauer kraut , 'read the ' ' War Cry , ' ' or
possibly snored nights , or performed
many other equally commonplace
acts which , by the same stupendous
logic might easily be proven the
cause of their downfall. Just what
there is connected with the smoking
of a good cigar which would prompt
the smoker to throw away the stub
and go out into the world intent on
robbing a bank , killing a policeman ,
or running away with the preacher's
wife , is not yet entirely clear , de
spite the ponderosity of the argument
above quoted. On the other hand , ca
jole two deadly enemies into smoking
together , and see if their grievance
doesn't figuratively and literally go
up in smoko.
There is no use in trying to keep
it dark any longer , woman is the
coming man. She has ceased her gen
tle pleading and begun to demand
things. If you arc a married man
this means something to you ; if not ,
bo warned in time , for there are
breakers ahead. 'tYou may laugh it oft"
and chuck her under the chin to see
her frown , but just wait. We see a
picture. There is a woman in the
kitchen and he who has foolishly